Should I leave or stay? 8 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old 😭

[lillygxx]

A few days ago my partner left themselves logged into messenger on my phone and asked me to send a message to someone for them from their account. I’ve NEVER done this before, but after an argument a few weeks back where he admitted to doing coke on a night out (which he promised he’d never do again when I was pregnant with our first), I decided to click on his boys group chat. He doesn’t talk in it all the time so it didn’t take me long to find lots of disrespectful and incriminating messages from over the last 2 years 😞 talking about doing cocaine many of the times he’s been out since the promise was made, laughing about it, ‘jokes’ about massage women which his friend referred to him as the master of (though apparently this stems from before we were together - who knows), chatting up girls whilst he’s been working away on occasion, etc. Safe to say I’m DEVASTATED. There were red flags of course like the people he surrounds himself with being into all that, but he always promised he’d changed for me (lol). The saddest part about all this is that I’m 8 weeks pregnant 😭 and we have a 20 month old toddler at home. He’s saying it’s a wake up call and that he’ll prove himself (how I don’t know - not like I’m gonna drug test him or realistically know if he’s lying or not, I had no clue all this time). I’m SO scared to go at this alone. I know it’s his fault but I’m worrying about his bond with the new baby not being great if he’s not on the scene and there for the full paternity weeks after birth and pregnancy etc., it’s still my baby and I don’t want them to suffer. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again 😭 am I stupid not to ask him to leave now or do I try and make it work for the rest of the pregnancy/first few months postpartum? I’m having really awful sickness which seems to last all day and night, and last pregnancy it lasted throughout not just the initial weeks. Im scared I won’t cope doing it all by myself as he is hands on in the house and he helps with our daughter 😭and with all this & the timing I feel like maybe I’d be more hurt if he left than stayed. Though I think he’s only stayed all this time for our girl. (Even though he actively wanted our 2nd 😭) Yes I have a village but they aren’t here 24/7 and I can’t expect them to be when they have families & lives & jobs of their own. I’m so sad 😞

In your position I wouldn’t want to be a single mum either not being pregnant, is he willing to give up his laddish social life? I think he really does need this as a wake up call to want to change and distance himself away from mates that offer temptations to behave badly but there’s only so many times.

How old is he and how old are you? Men can be absolute dicks imo when they are young (not all obv). It doesn’t mean they can’t sort themselves out. Do you believe him? What are his parents like (good role models)?

I’m 25 he’s about to turn 27. I don’t believe him tbh, he did it when I was 5 months pregnant after saying he was done with the lifestyle and stayed out until 8am, that was supposed to be his wake up call. 2 weeks ago when I caught him again apparently it was a one off, I forgave him but then I’ve discovered all this. Not a one off at all in fact a regular occurrence 😞

How old is he?

I think more than the drugs it’s probably the fact he has been lying to you which is the problem. He said he would stop, he hasn’t… and now you’ve caught him out.

Does he lie about other things? Or is this the only problem you have?

I'm sorry @lillygxx. Are you ok?

The drugs are bad enough, but the massages (claiming historical) and then boasting about chatting young girls when he is away for work? How are you ever meant to trust him again? You will be constantly worried the minute he is out of your sight.

For this to work I would be asking him to engage in addiction services and couples counselling, Make it clear that's the only way it will work between you.

Addiction services will drug test him regularly. And he will need to put in the work at couples counselling, He needs to understand the effect this is having on you and if it continues long term, your kids.

Sending all the love in the world, please reach out if you ever need a helping hand. We are all here for you.

When he’s been out some of the messages talk about how hot the girls are and things. He said he’s never physically cheated but there’s messages about him spending ages chatting up women etc, he’s always been adamant he wouldn’t cheat, and a couple months into our relationship he flew home from Thailand after a couple of days (instead of 2+ weeks) as his friends were all cheating and he said he didn’t want to be part of it so I trusted him.

He also has to ditch this group of friends, they are not good men. They are encouraging his bad behaviour and he is playing up to it like the class clown. He needs to grow up

Yeah he’s not willing to ‘be controlled’ / ditch the friends, which ofc I don’t want to be controlling but it’s only me that will suffer whilst he’s out or working away crippled with anxiety, not him. He just says he’ll prove himself but how?? 🥲

Also as I haven’t made him leave yet, he’s under the impression we’re giving it a go and wants to leave the past in the past and stop talking about it 🥲🥲🥲 I’ve tried to explain the damage he’s caused me internally and that I can’t just forget but he just says we’re going round in circles. Honestly I know he’s being pretty awful and expects that after 24 hours (max) I should be over it like any usual argument. There are a lot of things I don’t like about him like the way he refers to women, the women he’s ’chatting up’ are “skanky hot” meaning good enough for one thing in his eyes but not hot like a wife material. It’s the worst because me at home, he will cause an issue if I even tried to go without a bra or wore certain things.

I would ask him exactly how he plans to prove himself.

He won't ditch the immature friends who egg him on.
Is he willing to accept help from services? If he has been taking drugs for a length of time he won't be able to just stop.

You are not controlling him, you are asking for a partner who respects you and puts you first.

I am so angry for you

So he is controlling? and trying to project it onto you. He tells you what is acceptable to wear.

Tells you when you need to be "over" his shitty behaviour. He can't expect you just to roll over and forget it. It's natural to have questions that need answered. You are in shock

I’ve asked him already how he plans to, he just looks at me and says he will. He also gambles (not with joint money just his own) which I don’t like but let him get on with as he’d only lie anyway and as long as it doesn’t affect me whatever. however he had help from services regarding this years before we met and he’s seeped back into it (everyone he surrounds himself with is the same), honestly there are so many things 😞 but I’ll be so sad for our kids, my first adores him and is always devastated when he works away for days/ the week he’s gone. He does bath & bedtime routines, we have a big dog etc and I just don’t know how I’ll manage without him :(

Yeah honestly I hate drinking and I’m quite introverted/anxious. I was honest from when we met and he said I was his dream girl cos he wanted to move away from his lifestyle. I was naive of course and in reality he wanted a doormat who would make a good partner/mum.

“he will cause an issue if I even tried to go without a bra or wore certain things.“

This alone is enough to end the relationship. Do you want your children growing up thinking this is normal in a loving relationship?

Honestly @lillygxx I feel for you. You are in such a shit situation.

I would tell him I can't just leave it, like a normal argument. If he wants it to work out between you then I need proper answers. I need a proper plan in place of what he is going to change to prove it.

Tell him you took him at his word last time and nothing has changed he just got better at hiding it. This time you need more than words.

Be on your own now and raise your children without him In their day to day lives. He’s no father to them nor partner to you. Better to be on your own too than to be this badly accompanied.

It seems like there’s a lot of other issues going on in the relationship. The money he wastes on drugs and gambling should be used couples counselling. If he really wants to change then he will agree to it… he obviously thinks you will back down and forget about it for another few years.

He will merely continue to drag you down with him. You have a choice re him, the kids do not.

His controlling aka abusive behaviour towards you is good reason to end this too. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It’s over really between you two and you really do need to part ways now.

I think for me he’d really have to prove himself. He’d have to cut out drinking, because drinking leads to cocaine - there’s no two ways about it. I’d probably have more of an issue with chatting up other women and using massage parlours, I couldn’t forgive such seediness.

He sounds very immature, both in his behaviour with his mates and his sexist ignorant attitude towards women. Unfortunately it also sounds like he lacks insight and self awareness, will tell you anything you want to hear to shut you up and has not in any way demonstrated he is remorseful or prepared to actually change. He has used ‘wake up call’ numerous times while doing absolutely nothing to change. You’ve seen from his messages the ‘real him’ - chatting girls up, taking drugs and lying about it etc. This is the behaviour of a single man.

You can’t make him change, he has to want to do the work. He clearly doesn’t want to.

In your situation I would seriously consider the viability of a second child at this stage: you will either have to accept you’ve got a single lad on your hands and brush it under the carpet. Or you’ll split anyway as he’ll continue to cheat and lie.

The only way he can make this work is;
counselling with you
counselling by himself
ditching the friends - he needs to see this, not you giving him an ultimatum.

I’m sorry my love, you’ve seen what he’s like and without seriously growing up, he won’t change.

Abuse is not a relationship issue and he controlling what you wear is abusive. Do not continue to be his all too naive and or forgiving doormat.

I really don’t want to get over it, I don’t think I ever will, and I do not want my children growing up thinking that any of this is acceptable treatment. The advice I’d give others is to run run run and would have been long ago I guess, I just don’t know why I can’t take it myself 😞 I’m honestly just so sad I know it’s vain but I feel so insecure as it is and now I’ve got a whole pregnancy to go essentially it’s going to be at least a year before I can start working on me again, exercising etc and as a single parent how will I even find the time 😭 knowing he’ll be living it up for the next year doing whatever he pleases on the days he doesn’t have our daughter and eventually 2nd, and I’ll be drowning alone 😭 part of me just wonders if I should stick it out and pretend I’m okay even though of course I won’t be, get through the pregnancy and birth, save money, plan, work on myself and then say bye 😭 then at least he’ll be here to help when it’s the hardest 😞

You do whatever you need to for you and the kids. I am with a man who I have caught cheating etc, and I tried to hold it in. In the end I exploded and went nuclear, it ate me alive.

I also know how hard it is just to LTB. There is no judgment here. We both know the best thing to do is go, but it's also the hardest.

Please don't let his behaviour make you feel any less. This isn't on you. You sound like a lovely person. Hand holding every step of the way ❤

I promise you can survive without him, he is bringing you nothing but additional stress and you are already having a hard time.

Your kids will look back in years to come and see you as their strong and loving parent. And him as the old waster still chasing a bit of skirt, out his face. He won't stop, this is him. He is unwilling to make the appropriate changes to be a better man. You deserve a better man

Be on your own if you truly do not want your kids growing up thinking this from
him is acceptable because they see you accepting it.

Get proper support in place now from family and friends. Consider a doula re pregnancy . Where are your parents here?. Do not stick it out and pretend you are ok, do not do that to yourself. Do not set yourself on fire to
keep someone else warm.