Should I leave or stay? 8 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old 😭

[lillygxx]

A few days ago my partner left themselves logged into messenger on my phone and asked me to send a message to someone for them from their account. I’ve NEVER done this before, but after an argument a few weeks back where he admitted to doing coke on a night out (which he promised he’d never do again when I was pregnant with our first), I decided to click on his boys group chat. He doesn’t talk in it all the time so it didn’t take me long to find lots of disrespectful and incriminating messages from over the last 2 years 😞 talking about doing cocaine many of the times he’s been out since the promise was made, laughing about it, ‘jokes’ about massage women which his friend referred to him as the master of (though apparently this stems from before we were together - who knows), chatting up girls whilst he’s been working away on occasion, etc. Safe to say I’m DEVASTATED. There were red flags of course like the people he surrounds himself with being into all that, but he always promised he’d changed for me (lol). The saddest part about all this is that I’m 8 weeks pregnant 😭 and we have a 20 month old toddler at home. He’s saying it’s a wake up call and that he’ll prove himself (how I don’t know - not like I’m gonna drug test him or realistically know if he’s lying or not, I had no clue all this time). I’m SO scared to go at this alone. I know it’s his fault but I’m worrying about his bond with the new baby not being great if he’s not on the scene and there for the full paternity weeks after birth and pregnancy etc., it’s still my baby and I don’t want them to suffer. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again 😭 am I stupid not to ask him to leave now or do I try and make it work for the rest of the pregnancy/first few months postpartum? I’m having really awful sickness which seems to last all day and night, and last pregnancy it lasted throughout not just the initial weeks. Im scared I won’t cope doing it all by myself as he is hands on in the house and he helps with our daughter 😭and with all this & the timing I feel like maybe I’d be more hurt if he left than stayed. Though I think he’s only stayed all this time for our girl. (Even though he actively wanted our 2nd 😭) Yes I have a village but they aren’t here 24/7 and I can’t expect them to be when they have families & lives & jobs of their own. I’m so sad 😞

Thank-you so much 😭 @Lostinmyself@ @AttilaTheMeerkatmy parents are great and they actually live right by me, as does my sister. I know they will support me of course but it’s the evenings and the nights that I think will be the hardest 😞. I think I’ll be having a c section too and my family are away days after my due date 😭😭 I don’t know how to do all of that by myself with a toddler too 😭

Personally, I wouldn't be bringing a 2nd child into this relationship. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. You have an extremely immature boyfriend, who is playing at being an adult whilst with you, and then reverts to single man ladish behaviour with his friends and behind your back. He uses drugs and gambles, and thinks this is acceptable behaviour for a man with a partner and child. He has zero interest in changing, he just wants you at home, keeping house/the bed warm, whilst he enjoys his single life behaviour behind your back. He is not mature enough to be settled into a committed relationship let alone be a Dad. If you stay with him, you'll be in for many years ahead of being the only adult in your household, the only one who has your children's interest at heart, being anxious and constantly waiting for the shoe to fall off the other foot. I would end the relationship.

Is your employment stable? Good support network?
He is a ridiculous man child.

Not really I mean I’m going to really struggle financially without him too, I know I can get help but even with both our finances together there isn’t a crazy amount left to play with 🥲

Also, why should I have to share my children when I haven’t caused all of this 😭 what about birthdays and Christmas, special occasions, holidays, I’m devastated 😭💔 I don’t want to have to miss out because of his actions 😭

This exactly. He’s had plenty of time to ‘prove himself’ He hasn’t. Because he doesn’t want to. He lies to you, he cheats, he has zero respect for women, he gambles. Yet you put up with it OP and even now you still haven’t shown him the door. Is this really the life you want? Don’t you think you deserve better?

I know I deserve better but I feel so trapped, I have to decide to share and miss out on special things and moments because of his inability to do better for his family 😭 I don’t know if I can do that 😞💔

Let your parents and sister help you with the evening and nights. Your partner is not going to step up here and do right by either you or his children; such types end up in their 40s and 50s behaving exactly the same. He just sees you as convenient and has treated you as such so stop being his respectable side here.

If he is not all that bothered about them now he is not going to be all that fussed about seeing them on their birthdays and Christmas either. Oh he may well start demanding 50-50 but he is all hot air as so many of these types are. I would certainly insist he sees his children via a contact centre.

I look at you though; why did you and he get together in the first place? Did you think that the love of a good woman could rescue and or save him from himself?. What needs did he meet or potentially meet in you?.

Don't think about all the times you will miss out on, Think of all the happy, peaceful, loving times you will have with your children without constantly second guessing where he is and what he is up to.

You will be tortured staying with this man. He is selfish, he can't change. Do you really think he will be there constantly wanting to have the children for all the big occasions? He is selfish, he will always come first. I would also ask that contact is supervised, at least by a family member (not involving services) as he is a regular drug user. In reality you don't even know how deep his issues run

You are only trapped because you think you are. Stop with sharing any more special moments re the kids and he; he is not at all deserving. He is selfish in the extreme as well as controlling and for those reasons he is not worth your time and love any longer. It is over between you and he; he's chosen the party/drugs life.

We’re really close to his parents who help with childcare too & she is the centre of their world, he’s also very close to them and we all spend a lot of time together so I know it sounds like he’s constantly out and not thinking of his kids, he probably goes out once a month or every few weeks, and the rest of the time he’s home with us where he does do his share (more than others anyway), and so I do know for sure that he’s probably going to ask for at least a couple of days a week and him and his side of the family will definitely want to celebrate all the occasions with her 😟 I don’t feel like he’s a bad dad, just a terrible partner. He’s a bad dad for not putting us first, but like day to day he’s ‘normal’ ☹️

He's the 'skanky' skank. If it was me I would tell him that. I'm sorry it's over I realise now your too skanky to be husband material, I no longer wish to be married to a skank.