Am I ‘playing the victim’?

[MyCheekyRoseFinch]

Will try to keep it short…I’ve caught my husband cheating quite a few times. I’ve always tried to ‘fix’ it by counselling or whatever but he just seems so entitled. Recently I found out about escort use over some time, again I tried to fix it. Eventually I asked him to leave as I realised it was all me trying. His remorse turned to anger and being mean to me, He has called me a cunt, to fuck off when I try to communicate and recently said that I love and relish in playing the victim. I’ve never thought of I that way, I told my friends as it was too much to deal with alone. My friends refused to speak to him one day and he was angry with me for having told them. He said they were cunts too. The use of that word may seem insignificant however he says it as I’ve previously said how I would prefer jr doesn’t use it as I find it offensive. He does things like that quite a bit. If I say I don’t like something it’s like he relishes in doing it more. He recently said that he is gong to cancel the birthday party I have planned for me daughter. He is just impossible to communicate with, Am I wrong for telling my friends? Should I have kept it private? He seems upset and angry with me that people know,

Sounds like he's gaslighting you and turning it on you.
He doesn't sound very nice 💐

Why are you continuing to stay with a serial cheat who has zero respect for you?

He’s got away with cheating so many times he knows he can do whatever he wants with absolutely no consequences.

How much worse fire his behaviour have to get before you realise you’re wasting your life and he’s the cunt

I’m not staying with him. I’m trying to get him out, Just isn’t easy as we jointly own the horse

Oh dear. You’re worrying about “your wrong” in the wrong direction.
you are 100% wrong from staying with this man and giving one second flying fuck what he thinks.
i hope you see sense and move on.

You are not 'playing the victim', you are a victim. He is horribly abusive towards you and is a despicable cheat. Apparently he expects you to take it all on the chin and aren't allowed to show any emotion at his betrayal.

Perhaps it is time to start thinking whether you want to remain in this marriage.

He's a nasty piece of work, but he has a point.

He's cheated multiple times and is verbally abusive, but you're stuck there, a perpetual victim of his abuse.

What do you need to leave him?

Trying to currently but he is making it difficult

Not your fault OP. Don’t let him get into your head any more than he has. Exposure or not was entirely your choice to make. Why wouldn’t you need some support? So he wants to go around cheating, paying for sex and you have to keep quiet? Unreal it’s everyone’s reaction to his appalling behaviour is what he focuses on. Not the fact he did it. You are the injured party. How dare he try to diminish the impact.
Go see a solicitor and finalise your exit strategy. There’s only one C and it’s not you or your friends. Least they will be there for you. Record him next time he kicks off. That way you’ll have proof if things escalate and way he carrying on could be reason enough to get him out.

And why do you care that he’s upset? You can tell whoever you want whatever you want as long as it’s true. If your question is should you speak to your friends then damn straight you do.
if you’re leaving him then stop caring about what he says. Block him. Yes you share a house but that’s dealt with through a process.

why on earth would anyone put up with this? Madness.

There are some real pricks being written about on MN at the moment and he’s up there with the worst, don’t accept this, he’s disgusting

He will always make it difficult. He is a bully. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but be sure in yourself (hard when dealing with thjs sort of man) and rise above. Nothing will irritate him more than you acting like this words don’t even touch you.

Contact women’s aid for advice on how to get him to leave the house, he’s abusive and you need to be very wary of him

Sorry I don’t know how to add to my post that I’m no longer sticking around and am trying to get him to leave, I left it too long but he is fairly good at playing mr nice guy wihen he wants to

He has zero respect for you. File for divorce and separate your lives.

Really? When I spoke to a solicitor they said it isn’t classed as abuse, lots of things have happened in the past but I have no evidence of them

You need to look at his actions and all he has done rather than falling again for any charm offensive. Guaranteed when he sees it is not working façade won’t last long. Contact women’s aid too. Verbal and emotional abuse really tough to handle.

Yes I do know from a previous time, He came back to the house calling me a slut and threw my phone out of the window so I couldn’t contact anyone.

OP that’s dreadful and is abuse. You really don’t deserve that. Problem with abuse is it creates a new normal and sadly escalates. That man is a total pig. Leaving given his volatile and hostile conduct could be risky so speak to Women’s Aid. They can help you come up with a plan.

I know it’s very hard to understand. I feel the same when I read others posts but it’s very different when you are in it. Some things have happened at vulnerable times when I didn’t feel strong enough to leave eg new baby arrived/financially insecure/debts. Trapped basically. I’m not now though and worked to get myself a well paid job so I’m independent,

OP you need a better solicitor next time. Here’s a couple of links:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

You’re so much better than this. You must know you need to leave. I’m not going to use ‘life is too short’ because I hate that phrase but you really are the only one responsible for making your life good and being happy! No way would o stay in any sort of abusive situation and this most definitely is.

Thank you. Feel like a fraud contacting women’s aid for some reason. Feel like it’s mild compared to others. However when I think about it I’ve become quite stressed and uneasy in some situations. Can’t put my finger on it but actions can seem intentional actions to embarrass me.

I agree. Took me a while to see it but now I do. When he isn’t here (works away a lot), it’s a much calmer environment. He makes me on edge sometimes but other times it’s fine x

I can understand. Many women feel the same but being called a C, a slut, having your phone thrown away so you can’t contact anyone. Mocking you for ‘playing the victim’. Sleeping with other people. Sleeping with escorts and I am sure a lot more besides that you haven’t listed is not great either. Women’s Aid be able and glad to help. Unfortunately it likely not be until you look back you realise how bad it is as we do become desensitised to it. Just know you deserve more, you will get through and help available. I’m just really sorry for what you having to deal with.