Am I ‘playing the victim’?

[MyCheekyRoseFinch]

Will try to keep it short…I’ve caught my husband cheating quite a few times. I’ve always tried to ‘fix’ it by counselling or whatever but he just seems so entitled. Recently I found out about escort use over some time, again I tried to fix it. Eventually I asked him to leave as I realised it was all me trying. His remorse turned to anger and being mean to me, He has called me a cunt, to fuck off when I try to communicate and recently said that I love and relish in playing the victim. I’ve never thought of I that way, I told my friends as it was too much to deal with alone. My friends refused to speak to him one day and he was angry with me for having told them. He said they were cunts too. The use of that word may seem insignificant however he says it as I’ve previously said how I would prefer jr doesn’t use it as I find it offensive. He does things like that quite a bit. If I say I don’t like something it’s like he relishes in doing it more. He recently said that he is gong to cancel the birthday party I have planned for me daughter. He is just impossible to communicate with, Am I wrong for telling my friends? Should I have kept it private? He seems upset and angry with me that people know,

So the outside world knows that he uses escorts good that blows up any outwardly fakery of charm personified.
You're not playing the victim and there's only one cunt in this and it's not you op.

He’s a cunt who took away your bodily autonomy - and that’s just for starters.

You are NOT Playing the victim. He’s just a spineless piece of shit who is gaslighting and bullying you.

This should give you a better understanding of abuse. It’s also common for abuse to escalate when someone tries to leave so please be mindful of that.

Totally! To others he is mr nice guy, will help anyone. If most people met him they would think he is a great and friendly guy x

It's unlikely you'll be able to get him out of the house if you're married. If he's seriously threatening or abusive, you can call the police and that might be a route to a non-molestation order, if his behaviour meets the threshold. If he is being abusive in front of your children, that is taken seriously.

What you CAN do is see a solicitor and file for divorce. Show him you mean business. Don't engage in any discussions with him, avoid contact and conversation as much as you can while under the same roof. Your solicitor can advise you on forcing the sale of the house, if necessary. My guess is, once he knows you're divorcing him, like most cowardly bullies, he'll back down. Take action and take control of the situation. Good luck OP 💐

Sounds like DARVO - fairly standard abuser behaviour.

And that’s how he wants it to remain. So you telling the truth about him means his carefully cultivated ‘everyone’s mate’ facade will slip and someone who loves control won’t be able to deal with the mark slipping so he has to blend you.

I tried this but the solicitor wanted between 3k-4k to get things in writing. The only way for me to get him leave would be for me to leave briefly. He would manage the childcare due to his job so it would force his hand a bit

What is DARVO?

He is talking nonsense. He has been a serial cheater, with escort use, uses words you’ve told you don’t like to deliberately upset you and basically does all he can to undermine you. And if you complain, he says you are ‘playing the victim’. Rubbish. He is being deliberately cruel and selfish and is deflecting by making out to you that you are the problem. You are not. He is. There is no planet on which his behaviour is acceptable. I’m glad you’re trying to get out. You can tell anyone who you like about his behaviour, he is not in charge of who you speak to and what you say. I’m glad you have your friends on board. Let them give you courage and support to make the break. Your child and you deserve much better x

Thank you. I found it unbelievable that after betraying me so badly that he could turn on me and be so cold with his words. He didn’t st first but since I’ve said I want him out he changed, He kept his spare phone in his car. Told me I was mad and needed to trust him and that I needed therapy to get over the past. All that time he was ‘messaging’ escorts

DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a pattern of behavior used by perpetrators of abuse, often in response to being accused of wrongdoing, to deflect blame and responsibility

He is an arsehole.
Stop paying attention to what he says. It's just diarrhoea. The sooner you can get to the point where all communication goes through a 3rd party, the better.

He is incapable of understanding or empathising with any situation other than his own. He is the one that needs therapy and lots of it! You are not remotely mad, you are trying to get your head round what he is saying because it simply doesn’t match reality. As a kind and decent person yourself you are trying look for some sense of decency in him but it just isn’t there. No need to try understand him any more. He will never be worthy of you. Never. This chapter needs to close as soon as you are able to, and your future will be so much lighter and brighter without having to deal with this nonsense which must be exhausting. Wishing you all the best x

Yes, it’s common for abusers to maintain a very respectable public face.

It’s very unlikely you’ll get an occupation order but you can apply for a non-mol to regulate how he deals with you. Contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence and they can help you prepare your papers on a free-of-charge basis. If you decide to leave the house, please take your child with you, otherwise he will probably claim you have abandoned your DC and make it hard for you to maintain contact.

You should have absolutely told your friend. You should yell anyone close to you. And if he does cancel you daughters birthday you'll find they'll rally to make another one. Fuck him.

Keep going oP, having gone back to work and being financially independent is already a really strong move and making all the difference. Tell him if he doesn’t behave abusively and contact experts then you’ll have nothing to tell friends, then tell him firmly that if he tries to cancel his child’s birthday party you will have to tell all your friends, family, and the guests parents to have their support to make sure your child gets a party.

i don’t like the sound of your solicitor. Call women’s aid and describe how he’s behaved and the name calling, and look for another solicitor?

1. as PP have said, you’re not playing the victim, you’ve done nothing wrong
2. You can file for divorce yourself easily
3. The tricky bit will be navigating where to live, how to physically separate, get the house sold. Sounds like WA could offer some solid advice on this

You are a victim. He’s treating you abysmally.