Fearful avoidant - should I leave him once and for all?

[onomatopoeia]

So, I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years now. Feel very close, probably closer than I ever have to anyone and when it’s good, it’s amazing.
He’s never been married or had kids. At first I thought he just hadn’t found the right person but now I realise there’s probably more to it. I think he has a fearful-avoidant/disorganised attachment style. We can be so close and then I say the smallest thing that is construed as being critical and he gets extremely offended and very quickly ends the relationship. The longer we’ve been together, the worse it’s got. The last few months he’s been finishing with me every couple of weeks. After a few days, he’s sorry and wants me back and things are great for a while until…push and pull all the time.
I know you are probably thinking I should just leave and never look back but I love him so much.
Ive mentioned the attachment stuff and sometimes he acknowledges it, other times he avoids it. He isn’t getting any help, despite us talking about this.
Anyone else been in a similar position?

Oh sweetie, you are worth more than this.

Anyone else been in a similar position?

Absolutely. I've wasted far too much time trying to analyse people and make them change.

"He'd be perfect if..." is every mug's rallying cry.

Do you want this shit for the rest of your life?

Of course you should get rid of him for once and for all, unless you are actually choosing to live like that.

If you were magically back to the day you got together, would you go for it and sign up to what you’ve had, or would you give him a swerve?

Sunk costs fallacy.

This.

A good thing to say is “what if it all goes well?” and work out if that is a good thing or not.

So your relationship carries on, you get married, TTC, get pregnant and give birth to the most beautiful baby girl. The first time he changes a nappy he puts it on backwards and it leaks everywhere. (It is common - I did it!)

What do you do? Do you tell him and he leaves you? Or do you let him carry on putting the baby’s nappy on backwards?

Diagnosing his 'attachment style' won't turn him into a nice person, OP. It might help YOU, but he doesn't care. And that's not an attachment style, that's a man who really doesn't love you.

I can't say I've been in that position because if someone ends it with me or vice versa, I'm done. I don't do reruns.

Breaking up with you every couple of weeks? He's either playing games or he's a Flake of the first order and both would just be annoying.

He is not going to change.

How tedious. Life is too short!

Breaking up every couple of weeks? Just don't let this carry on or this will be your life.

Yes you need to leave him. He is abusive. He’s not doing this because he’s fearful, he’s doing this to control you.

It’s called the “ dread game “ and it’s a form of manipulation. The purpose is to make sure he always has the upper hand and you are scared to step out of line, in case he leaves you. He pretends to be offended and uses the small thing that you have done wrong as a supposed reason to punish you.

He wants you to feel insecure all the time, so you are anxious and fearful and are always putting him first. It’s NOT The that he’s scared of become attached to you - it’s to make sure that you are anxiously attached to him and never feel secure aka “ taking him for granted “.

You can google it, it’s part of the red pill abusers ideology.

What’s all this Diagnosing people shit all about,He finishes with you every couple of weeks , no one better comes along so he comes back.Wise up and move on.

If you must analyse psyche and attachment style, consider your own. You’re the only person you have any control over.
Really think about why you persist in accepting this shoddy treatment. Really think about why you don’t feel that you are worth more than this. Really think about what it is about leaving this relationship that scares you.
And then do it. Because he’s not worthy.

Walk away. I had a dude wasting 4 years of my life. Starting up around Easter - dumping me before Xmas. Too cheap for xmas presents xchange. Year 5 he starts calling again, great convo - I remember this like it was yesterday. I put the phone down and I knew I will never take another call from him again. This was 10 ys ago and I just learned it for life. Happy setting my boundaries ever since. He kept mailing regularly around my bday- just ignored. Some background, extremely lively and sociable witu all women in the office, of course the attractive ones, he was accused finally by our Partner of improper behavior which he denied and kept lurking around the attractive blondes. The attention seeking was just too much for me and the cyclical dumping and rekindling. He even introduced me to his parents and later tried to guilt me back in as his mum kept a photo of me on the fireplace. ALWAYS CHOOSE PEACE OF MIND. Not mindgames. They are there to make your life better.

Yes I’ve been where you are. In an almost identical situation. First year was wonderful (honeymoon period) and the second year was like you describe. He would ghost me, end it repeatedly over any kind of minuscule conflict and his only excuse was that he ‘shuts down’ and if it wasn’t easy we weren’t meant to be together. I went back so many times.
Until he finally crossed the line and disrespected me so much I’d had enough. He refused to apologise and I left him. He didn’t love me, I was just convenient.
It’s only when I was out that I saw just how much people pleasing I did and then acknowledged the massive red flags I’d ignored. Of course I miss him, but I know that’s the attachment and familiarity I’m missing and not the person who treated me like I was worthless and never cared how his actions made me feel. I’ve not seen or heard from him since I left. I meant nothing.
Your partner won’t change and your life will always be this chaotic if you stay. You know you need to leave. I hope you can find the strength to prioritise yourself.

It doesn’t really sound like fearful avoidant but it does sound like he has issues and likes playing games. After two years it definitely shouldn’t be like this and I’m not sure how you can say you have a close relationship. You must feel quite anxious a lot of the time, I know I would! You can’t change other people - ask yourself if you could be happy if he didn’t change. If the answer is no, it’s time to move on

He won't change. This will be your life. If that's okay stay, if not leave.

He's not fearful avoidant, he’s just not into you but gets his kicks from having people pine for him. Block him, work on your self esteem and move on.

I highly recommend you grasp that diagnosing his attachment style is not as useful as understanding your own. Because he won’t change and neither will you. So you will be stuck with the pattern you each set at the beginning—if your styles mesh, thats great! If they don’t? Watch out.

I am going to suggest that, whatever your official style is, you tend towards what I would call being a bargain hunter—you love a fixer upper. After all if he were perfect and attached strongly snd faithfully chances are he would already have been taken. So a slightly problematic love style suits you as you enjoy the challenge of rescuing this hidden diamond. Unfortunately more is needed than the love if a good woman to transform a chaotic, unselfconsciously childish, see saw if a man into an actual partner.

Step back and realize that your styles —anxious, overcommitted, —will lead you to keep throwing good love after bad. Just because he is sometimes available for rent doesn’t make him a good purchase for long term use.

when it's good, it's amazing.

Every single thread where the OP uses these words you just know they’ll go on to list more red flags than a communist party parade in Putins birthday.

Its the classic cycle of being a complete cunt then throwing a few crumbs to keep you reeled in.

Honestly stop making excuses by labelling him being a complete wanker as ‘avoidant’ - he’s not a pseudo diagnosis , he’s a common or garden twat

THIS! ☝️☝️☝️☝️

What is there is love about such a man, a man who repeatedly dumps you every couple of weeks?. And you say you love him so much.

Look at your own attachment styles: anxious and over invested. Codependency also springs to mind re you, this trait is a godsend for an abuser like he. Your self worth must be in the gutter to accept this at all from him. He’s put you there in the gutter. This is who he is and he will not change. Value your own self more and end this charade of a relationship before it really does further destroy you from the inside out.

And what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?, What example did your parents show you?.

How exhausting. Relationships are supposed to be fulfilling joyful things not constant eggshells.

I am fearful avoidant attacher. With a dismissive avoidant. There is no way you will changed him unless he’s prepared to put in a LOT of work to change himself. My DH and I are continually working on it, but it is super hard to change attachment style. You’ve no hope if he’s not prepared to get help/work on it himself. If you think he has a disordered attachment style (impossible to say from your post I should add) then you also need to look at yourself, unsecured attachers rarely attract secured attachers and vice versa.

Yes, was in this situation about thirty years ago. One day - after about two years of push pull I’d had enough, and my feelings changed/disappeared. After that it was easy. He was quite confused but it really was a wake up call. I found out he’d lied about something, thought “why I am putting up with this shit’ and then stopped putting up with it.

I still find people who blow hot and cold very difficult to deal with but find it easier to walk away now and am very aware when it happens.

@onomatopoeia completely understand this. Going through this my
self at the moment only with a baby on the way,hoping when the baby comes I will
be strong enough to walk away for
good because I know we deserve better