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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partners ex

35 replies

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 03:04

Hello everyone just wanting a bit of advice really ive been with my partner over 5 year now he has a child with his ex and a unbiological daughter with her too which he has brought up like his own but the child's mother is awful I could right a full book..I don't know how much longer I can cope with the situation as it's taking its toll on me and our relationship now she's just bringing huge weight to our relationship it's like they are still together she constantly gets the kids to ring to come and stop or ring for money so she can have a break baring in mind she only takes them to school they come home and get left to their own devices the youngest child lacks sleep really bad as their is no routine with her she just does not care about the children just the money she expects too much of my partner in my opinion she thinks everyone owes her a living she does not even buy the children anything underwear clothing trainers school clothing school trips even birthdays and chirstmas she does not buy them anything and im really not exagerating here my partner and his family provide every single thing even though she recieves child benefit etc she's recently had another baby to another man and claiming she can't cope she expects my partner to send her money and provide for her home and this new child even though she has started a whole new family it just never ends there's so much more to the situation but id be here all night ive told her shes got her prioroties all muddles up as its heart breaking seeing the children get treat this way but i grt made to be the bad one even though its me who probably provides for the child more than his own mother i bite my tongue on the situation but it just doesn't seem to end she doesn't seem to realise how much she is neglecting her children I try to tell my partner to speak to her to sort something out but he doesn't speak up as the child's mother would stop him seeing the children which is a complicated situation I just don't know what to do anymore..

OP posts:
SueblueNZ · 25/05/2025 03:18

It would take me too much effort to read that.
Interesting that you can use possessive apostrophes but not commas for fullstops.

Poppyseeds79 · 25/05/2025 03:21

Zero idea what you're upset about?

Meadowfinch · 25/05/2025 03:24

Her children and her parenting style are not your concern. Don't get involved.

Your dp is a grown man and can decide for himself how much he is willing to contribute to his child's household.

Do you have children with him? Are you concerned that your shared children are being less well provided for?

Figcherry · 25/05/2025 03:25

SueblueNZ · 25/05/2025 03:18

It would take me too much effort to read that.
Interesting that you can use possessive apostrophes but not commas for fullstops.

You’re helpful.

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:27

It's nothing to do with contributing I contribute myself I love helping and I love that he's a supporting man but the ex takes it for granted he works his ass off to provide she pockets hers and the childs money for her own welfare and expects him to provide he is the dad it is his job but shes also the mother she should provide too but she doesnt she expects everyone else to provide even the simple things like electric or cereal things she should be putting first for the childrens welfare she doesnt want to hand the child over to us or when we speak up we get done for slandering her when were just trying to help its taking a toll on on my partner he's just scared to speak up as she would stop him seeing his kids she uses them as a weapon And it wouldn't be my concern if she didn't make it my concern and I care about those kids like their my own the boy even comes to me saying his mum doesn't care about him it's heartbreaking.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:30

Jeez OP, use commas and full stops, your posts are too difficult to read!

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:35

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:30

Jeez OP, use commas and full stops, your posts are too difficult to read!

How do you know I don't have dyslexia?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/05/2025 06:38

Paragraphs please.

Space of your text... it's hard to read. Even if you're dyslexic, please use Paragraphs. It's just a huge wall of text.

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:39

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:35

How do you know I don't have dyslexia?

If you did, you could simply type your message into chatgpt ask it to punctuate and paste it here.

Regardless, how much your partner pays his ex and her parenting has 0 to do with you. Not your business!

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:40

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:39

If you did, you could simply type your message into chatgpt ask it to punctuate and paste it here.

Regardless, how much your partner pays his ex and her parenting has 0 to do with you. Not your business!

Edited

Can you not read? It's not about the money I provide MY own hard earned money I work for so that's not the issue, its mainly her

OP posts:
YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:43

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:40

Can you not read? It's not about the money I provide MY own hard earned money I work for so that's not the issue, its mainly her

And she makes her parenting my issue she coughs and sends the kids my way saying she's too ill to look after them when I'm ill myself I have to constantly miss doctors appointments just so she can have peace and quite..there's too much to explain and it's hard for me to explain too.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:44

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:40

Can you not read? It's not about the money I provide MY own hard earned money I work for so that's not the issue, its mainly her

I can read very well thank you but your posts were illegible due to zero punctuation.
As I said, not your business!
Mainly her what? How are her actions any of your business?

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:45

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:43

And she makes her parenting my issue she coughs and sends the kids my way saying she's too ill to look after them when I'm ill myself I have to constantly miss doctors appointments just so she can have peace and quite..there's too much to explain and it's hard for me to explain too.

Get some therapy!

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:48

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:44

I can read very well thank you but your posts were illegible due to zero punctuation.
As I said, not your business!
Mainly her what? How are her actions any of your business?

As I have just stated she makes them my business she rings me asking for money for trips whay the children DON'T even go on. She says she's ill and sends the kids to my house then next mintue she's having her nails done or out with her new partner.

She doesn't spend a penny on the children she asks us for it we have to break into out savings just so she can save hers when that's whay child benefit is for because she doesn't spend nothing on electric my partner provides for that aswell as our home too which is a struggle for him while she's keeping her money to herself!

She doesn't even buy the child a pair of socks underwear or nothing they always come hungry. My concern is if the money is not going on the children then what is it going on? Why should the children suffer so she can live a lifestyle of luxury while her children have holes in their school shoes when I send her money myself personally

New clothes. She sends them in second hand when they have nice fresh clothes it's numerous things

OP posts:
YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:49

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:45

Get some therapy!

Definitely not me who needs therapy lol

OP posts:
Barbiewhirl · 25/05/2025 06:51

He should go to court for custody if he has concerns, other than that he is their father so shouldn't begrudge giving money and time to his children to save them from a feckless mother I wouldn't think. If you don't like it then perhaps someone without children would be better for you?

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:52
  1. Block her number. Why is she phoning you not her ex?
  2. Does your partner pay maintenance regularly?
  3. If the children are being neglected, your partner should apply for guardianship.
  4. How often does your partner look after his children? Is it 50/50 split?
YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:56

Barbiewhirl · 25/05/2025 06:51

He should go to court for custody if he has concerns, other than that he is their father so shouldn't begrudge giving money and time to his children to save them from a feckless mother I wouldn't think. If you don't like it then perhaps someone without children would be better for you?

I've said this to him myself but he's scared she's so vindictive.. he's spoke to the social workers but he doesn't have rights over one of the children as she's not biologically his so nothing can be done there, his son basically lives at ours anyway so would be no difference there.

It's not about the money he's the dad too he should provide it's what it's going on is the concern for example we send her £100 for new trainers but no trainers got bought we had to go out and spend another £100 on shoes

If we say no we will go out and buy things needed she will refuse and go ask his elderly dad knowing he is vunerable

I love those kids like they're my own I provide just as much so that's not the issue it's heartbreaking when the boys coming to me saying he gets treat different with his mum he things things are normal living what really should not be

OP posts:
loobyloo1979 · 25/05/2025 06:59

Too hard to read with no punctuation. Can you re-write it with punctuation please?

Cam1981 · 25/05/2025 07:00

YourMerryHiker · 25/05/2025 06:56

I've said this to him myself but he's scared she's so vindictive.. he's spoke to the social workers but he doesn't have rights over one of the children as she's not biologically his so nothing can be done there, his son basically lives at ours anyway so would be no difference there.

It's not about the money he's the dad too he should provide it's what it's going on is the concern for example we send her £100 for new trainers but no trainers got bought we had to go out and spend another £100 on shoes

If we say no we will go out and buy things needed she will refuse and go ask his elderly dad knowing he is vunerable

I love those kids like they're my own I provide just as much so that's not the issue it's heartbreaking when the boys coming to me saying he gets treat different with his mum he things things are normal living what really should not be

Sorry but your partner needs to grow a back bone. He needs to tell his ex anything to do with the kids you ring me not my dad and not my partner. He needs to go to his dad’s and block her number. You need to block her as well.

What you are describing are serious safeguarding issues. Your partner needs to go for custody and if it will be a bitter long battle then so be it.

You also need to reconsider whether you want the responsibility of looking after his children

Lotsofsnacks · 25/05/2025 07:27

Where to begin!! What is so attractive about your partner? I see a weak man, with no backbone, who is putting his partner through all this worry, and sorting HIS kids and ex partner out all the time. Now you tell him this is not on, you are NOT dealing with her going forward, this isnt on u!! Great you care about the dc, it’s lovely to hear, but they are both taking u for a mug and you’re putting up with it. Why should you suffer if dp can’t be arsed putting up a fight and standing up to her - do not have kids with this man! I would get out the relationship to be honest, your partner sounds useless

Loadsapandas · 25/05/2025 07:31

ZekeZeke · 25/05/2025 06:52

  1. Block her number. Why is she phoning you not her ex?
  2. Does your partner pay maintenance regularly?
  3. If the children are being neglected, your partner should apply for guardianship.
  4. How often does your partner look after his children? Is it 50/50 split?

All of this OP.

You won’t be able to change her behaviour or your DP behaviour (he isn’t a bit player - why is he primary contact for dealing with her? She shouldn’t be contacting you).

You have a choice. Choose to live like this or recognise that this relationship package isn’t working for you.

YOU don’t need to send money or look after the poor children, leave it all to your partner as he is their dad.
And by the sounds of things should have fought for custody ages ago. Funny how the men rarely do.

Either way, you need to not be consumed by what mum is doing, she’s not your issue.

Orangesinthebag · 25/05/2025 07:52

You have a partner problem, not a partner's ex problem.

Your posts here should be complaining about him not her. The ex is his, the kids are his responsibility and any problems surrounding them are his to sort out.

If he won't step up and leaves it all to you then you need to decide if you want to stay with him or not.

Whatthefuck3456 · 25/05/2025 07:56

I would definitely leave him

cherrycola66 · 25/05/2025 08:29

I sympathise with you. My partners ex is absolute batshit crazy, they have a child together and my god you would think that entitles her to his entire wage, she genuinely believes he should pay for everything and withholds contact. I dont have advice except ignore it but I know it’s hard