Do I leave?

[Armslength2025]

Hey,

Ive been married around 9 months. Together 6 years. Something in me feels like the relationship isn’t right. I don’t know that I’m myself or happy.

At the start of the year I met someone whilst on a work training course and was unfaithful to my partner. Nothing has happened since. I’ve wondered why this has happened and how I can work on things at home.

We rarely have sex, we don’t spend much time together doing things, he has hobbies that he sees his friends with regularly, I find him emotionally unavailable at times. I have raised my concerns and he has put a lot more effort into spending time together and generally being there for me more. I’m worried it is too late, sometimes I think I could be happy as we have a lovely home, are in a perfect position to start a family. Other times I want to meet someone else.

Has anyone been through this before? I am 31 he is 39.

Your relationship sounds like it's over and you cheated a few months into being married. I would divorce.

If you're not sure about the relationship PLEASE do not have children. That will not glue together a relationship that is iffy

Don't bring kids into this.

This isn’t about whether I have children or not.

See above.

Why did you get married? Did you not have doubts before this?

You cheated because something was missing, it’s not often the behaviour of someone secure in their marriage. People who love and are invested in their partners don’t usually cheat on them either.

You’re wondering if you should leave, because you still think something is missing and you’re probably quiet quitting. You’re “worried it’s too late,” because you think it could be and maybe part of you would like it to be.

Obviously just opinions.

I feel like you’ve just read me there. It just feels like a big step to leave.

It is a big step , I started all over again at 31 it’s definitely not too late . Never too late to be happy .

It is easy to get mixed up in the next steps of relationships because it’s the right thing to do. Now the only step is to have children and it feels like these things have just hit me

It is a big step, but it’s a step that’s obvious once you start looking for what you want/need from someone who isn’t your husband.

I left my ex husband a few years ago now, and it was horrendous, but time.

Life moves on, in the end. But kindly, he deserves better than someone who is cheating on him, and you both deserve happiness.

It would be a much bigger (and more tragic) step to lie to him for many years, have kids with him and spend every day worrying he may find out about your affair and blow the family apart.

You cheated 3 months into this marriage. It's obviously not a keeper. You clearly don't love him. And as others have said, do not bring kids into this.

You made a mistake marrying him. Resolve it, don't wallow in it.

@Armslength2025 Oh dear!
so it sounds like you did have doubts about getting married but got caught up in the whole idea of the wedding day etc? If this is true then it doesn’t seem like you got married for the right reasons. At this stage of your marriage your should be enjoying things together, you aren’t even married a year.
are you someone who is trying to tick off boxes rather than than thinking deep down what you are doing or feeling? In this case “now the only next step is to have children”.

Thank you ☺️

I’m not sure I ever was but in hindsight I think I was/am. I’ve always wanted to buy a house/settle down but now I’m at the stage I feel like I’m freaking out instead.

You have been with H for 6 years but have not been happy for a long time, I’m guessing. You got married 9 months ago and still feel the same way, but looking around at what you have together and feeling you should be happy.
You slept with someone else because you felt distant with H, hardly any intimacy but since you’ve told him how you feel, he has stepped up.
You feel more like a sister than a wife now because he is emotionally unavailable. Has he always been like that? You sound like someone who needs more than what your H is capable of giving. Or is this just since you’ve been married?

Did you get married because your relationship lacked intimacy so wanted something to plan and get excited about? It sounds like you feel you’ve made a mistake, in fact sleeping with someone else, it’s obvious.
it’s ok to have made a mistake or to have doubts about children and it’s ok to realise the person your with is wrong for you.

In a way yes and no. He is there for me with my MH struggles occasionally but day to day there is a lack of support. There is a lack of understanding about providing that support because he doesn’t need the same. I have always known this generally but some thing has reared its head where recently I’m wondering whether I can spend my whole life like this. After a hard day at work, not being asked if I’m ok etc. I have changed the expectations so I feel guilty.

Yes exactly, I of course feel I have made a mistake. This was more to reach out to see what doubts are normal or not I guess. Instead I’ve been judged by some 😔

What made you get married not that long ago. I say with your age factored in, and without putting too much of my own wants lol to go back to that time.
I think it best to part ways, and enjoy your life a bit, you have been in this relationship since your 20’s, you will feel much happier being free, and meeting others and I have to say it have great sex, and maybe someone who you will end up settling with.
Thankfully you are not tied down with kids, and especially within your current situation.

Do you think your mental health would improve without him in your life?

He's not the one for you and you're too young to settle. No sex, he's emotionally unavailable and off with his mates all the time? Yikes this would be miserable at 60 let alone 31! Yes, divorce is a massive PITA but you're just wasting time in this situation.. yours and his. You could both meet your future life partner at anytime- much better to be single and available when you do?

Thank you for your advice xox

I think it’s hard to say. It is on my mind every day so potentially yes? But just because it’s a constant worry not because of anything he is doing. We get along fine so it isn’t a stress living together

Yes and everything with it. Dog, families, house. It’s a big decision with a lot involved isn’t it. And a lot of people’s opinions.