Early miscarriage in very new relationship. Trigger warning

[BrandNewStart123]

I will start by saying I’ve name changed for this.

The idiot that I am has managed to get pregnant with a man I’ve been dating for nine weeks. I’ve struggled a lot recently. Was in an awfully abusive relationship, came out of that and thought I was ready to date again. I probably wasn’t in hindsight but I met a man who I really clicked with.

Fast forward, 6 weeks pregnant. He knows and was completely supportive of whatever decision I made. Couldn’t have asked for better. He’s been very upfront about wanting his own child so I had an inkling he’d be very happy for me to keep it but he never voiced this. I have past trauma around abortion and decided that I perhaps wanted to keep the pregnancy. There were some hairy moments where I hold my hands up and say I wasn’t the kindest to him but we talked and it was ok.

So now, he’s beyond excited which has been a little odd to me. I was expecting acceptance, not excited… and I’m bleeding. Got medical advice. Very likely miscarrying, standard advice. Pregnancy test in two weeks and any alarming blood loss a&e.

I am actually more concerned about telling him than anything else. He’s made so many plans already and has really gone in full steam ahead. Talking about names and what he’s going to need to buy and imagining this child and what they will be like.

I don’t even know how I feel. I’d started to get my head around it and now this. It’s probably for the best. I just know he’s going to be devastated and I hate that I’m going to hurt him. I hate that I upset him in the aftermath of finding out. Found equal footing and now I’m going to hurt him again. I don’t know how to tell him and because it was so new and I haven’t known him very long I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I’ve got nobody to talk to about this and I feel wretched. I can’t face how upset he’s going to be. How do I do this?

Oh this is really hard. All you can do is be kind to yourself and be kind to him.

My wife had a miscarriage many years ago. We needed each other to help us both through what was a very personal loss.

Be honest, tell him how devastated you are and how you need his support. He needs you too. Help him and he will help you.
It is not an easy experience, but you can get through it together. One of my regrets is that I will never know if it was a boy or girl that we lost 47 years ago

The problem is that it’s all just so new. I don’t know him well enough to be able to say how he will react. I’ve been crying all afternoon and he’s been messaging and I can’t bring myself to tell him. My children are here and I think he’d want to come around. I need to keep it in until I can see him in person.

I just wish this pregnancy hadn’t have happened. Everything was going so well. Early pregnancy hormones have always sent me dulaly and I haven’t been easy to deal with. He’s handled everything so well and now he’s going to have to handle this. It’s just so much and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I wish I didn’t have to tell him. I’d honestly rather take all the pain myself than have to do this to him.

I am sorry you are going through this, but you must tell the man now. He deserves to know he is no longer going to be a dad.

You need to tell him.

how did you fell pregnant?

I'm very sorry for your loss but your main priority should be your existing children, not worrying about a man you have known for less than two months. I'm sure its pretty traumatic for them to see you crying all day worrying about him and clearly not a thought for them. The whole thing is so chaotic.
You owe him nothing and them everything, you are only just out of one abusive relationship , you don't even know him

I don’t know how to tell him. The only option I can see working is in person. All our communication is done over text and I think it’s something that warrants more than a text conversation. I could call but he’s very protective and I think he’d want to be here. That would be awkward in my current circumstances. I can’t grieve (I’m not sure that’s the right word) with my children needing me and him being here while I’m trying to parent with a brave face on would be a nightmare.

I thought in person where there’s just the two of us would be better? I’m trying to do this the best way possible and I feel like every way is wrong. It’s broken me.

Sexual intercourse.

I think you know the answer to that.

Not helpful.

I'm sorry, OP.

What worries me is that you seem to be entirely focused on his feelings.

You're the one who is pregnant and most likely miscarrying, it's all happening in your body. You're entitled to your feelings, whether that is grief or relief or a mixture of the two, and to be supported.

You do need to tell him that you are most likely miscarrying. But you don't need to manage his feelings whilst suppressing your own. You deserve support too.

Message him that you’re bleeding and have had to get medical advice.

He’s an adult. He knows what can happen.

it’s easy to get carried away when one/partner is pregnant for the first time and I know from own experience how hard it is when all that comes crashing down. But you have to tell him asap. He will be devastated but his feelings are not your responsibility. You cannot keep this to yourself to protect his feelings. He will just have to find a way to deal with it.

I do seem entirely focused on his feelings because I know it’s going to hit him harder than it’s hit me. Pregnancy was about the worst thing that could have happened to me and while I would have come to terms with it and loved the baby, I can’t say I’m not a little relieved. He never panicked, just jumped straight into excitement and planning which makes me feel like he maybe wanted this.

If I tell him now I risk him insisting on being here and that’s not what’s best for my children.

Immaculate conception

I'm sorry this happened OP.

Unfortunately, miscarriage is very common. Just break it gently; the pregnancy was sadly not viable. There is no baby.

He may be insistent, but you just have to say that no he cannot come to your house as you have your children.

It's not his choice to make.

You should have felt able to tell him straight away or at least once you’ve got medical advice. You’re so incredibly worried about his feelings, after such a short time, that despite chatting all day you haven’t just been honest.

Tell him you’re miscarrying, be clear it’s not possible for him to come over - presumably your kids haven’t met him before so it would be completely inappropriate - then get off your phone and focus on your kids and resting as much as you can. He’ll be sad but he’ll get over it.

I think it would be best if you told him over text that you are bleeding and need space to deal with what you are going through.

Put your own feelings ahead of him.

I know I should have felt able to tell him straight away. He’s not the most emotionally mature and he doesn’t handle emotionally charged conversations very well over text. That’s not to say he’s a bad person. He’s very supportive in person but text doesn’t work well for him for anything other than chit chat/humour.

I really can’t foresee any scenario where texting him won’t induce him panicking and I’m going to spend the whole of today/tomorrow concerned he will turn up.

It’s not fair to him but for reasons concerning my abusive ex and the aftermath of that, I can’t risk it. He’s not met my children and obviously won’t/wouldn’t be for a long time. If I could tell him and not worry that he’d panic and feel the need to be here I’d have told him already.

you might want to look up what immaculate conception means. 🙄

He doesnt sound like relationship material here at all. You are in a delicate position and instead you are worried about his reaction due to his emotional immaturity.

Why? Are you looking to dig your nails in to a woman who’s just lost a baby?!

Because oc his reaction to the pregnancy. Name choices already? Im wondering if he wanted to get op pregnant.

Honestly, yes I think he did.