Early miscarriage in very new relationship. Trigger warning

[BrandNewStart123]

I will start by saying I’ve name changed for this.

The idiot that I am has managed to get pregnant with a man I’ve been dating for nine weeks. I’ve struggled a lot recently. Was in an awfully abusive relationship, came out of that and thought I was ready to date again. I probably wasn’t in hindsight but I met a man who I really clicked with.

Fast forward, 6 weeks pregnant. He knows and was completely supportive of whatever decision I made. Couldn’t have asked for better. He’s been very upfront about wanting his own child so I had an inkling he’d be very happy for me to keep it but he never voiced this. I have past trauma around abortion and decided that I perhaps wanted to keep the pregnancy. There were some hairy moments where I hold my hands up and say I wasn’t the kindest to him but we talked and it was ok.

So now, he’s beyond excited which has been a little odd to me. I was expecting acceptance, not excited… and I’m bleeding. Got medical advice. Very likely miscarrying, standard advice. Pregnancy test in two weeks and any alarming blood loss a&e.

I am actually more concerned about telling him than anything else. He’s made so many plans already and has really gone in full steam ahead. Talking about names and what he’s going to need to buy and imagining this child and what they will be like.

I don’t even know how I feel. I’d started to get my head around it and now this. It’s probably for the best. I just know he’s going to be devastated and I hate that I’m going to hurt him. I hate that I upset him in the aftermath of finding out. Found equal footing and now I’m going to hurt him again. I don’t know how to tell him and because it was so new and I haven’t known him very long I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I’ve got nobody to talk to about this and I feel wretched. I can’t face how upset he’s going to be. How do I do this?

That sounds scary.

You really need to break up with him. Not a single thing you’ve said about him suggests he’s relationship material and your reaction to everything makes it clear you’re not ready to date anyone anyway.

You’ve got a lot of healing to do and need to work up some healthier boundaries. Amidst this upset you say you feel relief and you know that’s your subconscious shouting at you to get free of this whole thing and run.

What do you mean all your communication is mostly by text? Do you not actually see each other in person much. If this is the case, I’d be really concerned this man is more interested in having a baby than having a relationship. Most men would have some natural doubts and reserve having a baby with someone they've only known 3 weeks or certainly someone who they don’t have much in-person contact with.

What is it you want in life now - a baby or a partnership?

Its not healthy to be in a relationship where you need to (or feel like you need to) put his feelings first. That is setting you up to be in another dynamic where you someone else has the power and it’s not equal. Tell him, and you’ll get a sense of what his priorities are and whether he’ll expect you to try again soon for another baby - now that he’s had a moment of it. But please prioritise yourself and your kids and don’t let him pressure you into anything you don’t want, like him being around the kids during the MC.

Sorry I meant we don’t do phone calls. That’s not to say he’s wouldn’t, he’s hinted enough that he’d like me to call him. I’m just not big on talking over the phone. I see him frequently in person.

He wants a child. I’ve been aware of that since the beginning. The first time we had sex he was drunk and he told me during that ‘it would be ok if I got pregnant’. I put it down to alcohol but his future child is something that is brought up daily. Along with when we have kids what type of dad he’d be.

I wanted an abortion at first though and he wasn’t upset at that. He genuinely was supportive either way but he did mention that ideally he’d like to be trying for a baby in around 9 months time.

I can not say I can relate because I have not had to go through the trauma of a miscarriage. But the fact that it was not what you wanted is enough. I’m sorry but as you have had a terribly abusive relationship previously. And only been together with this man for a short time, even in a longer term relationship. From experience too. You never have a baby because the man wants one. You have to be fully on board to agree to that.
Has he already met your kids/been in your home, or do you mean he would want to come around under the circumstances, not that he has already been there, because if he has that is too soon in my opinion, and I am sure others would agree.

Just to reiterate, he’s not met my children! Even my abusive ex who I was with for three years only met them once! I’m very particular about that. He’s come over to my house when the kids are with their dad.

Yes that is good and the right thing to have done. But still, he has been to your house when kids not there, you really need to think about these things in future. It is still risky and it is still your kids home, whether they are home at the time or not.

I can’t sleep. I thought I was ok about it but now my head is a mess.

Seconding this. Quite honestly, he has no right to be all excited about a pregnancy in a two-month relationship! Clearly he can feel whatever he feels, but he ought to have respected that your body's your own and he's not entitled to encourage or discourage whatever you do with it.

I think the fact that you've not only accepted his entitlement, but are this worried about his feelings as you deal with a hormonally turbulent event, is a strong sign that you're still being affected by the previous abusive relationship and this is not a good one for you.

Sorry, OP. Please don't dance merrily out of the frying pan into the fire.

He’s a huge red flag given how many times pregnancy and children have come up in such a short time. Tbh I think if you had aborted he’d have broken up with you eventually as you weren’t a suitable breeder. And all the enthusiasm and subtle baby pressure was to manipulate you into not having an abortion.

Look, stop dating these controlling men and enjoy being alone for some time. Once you’ve had a chance to introspect on why you’ve chosen these men and how to change bad habits, you’ll make better dating choices. This situation is just chaos and you cannot be a good parent if so much time is spent on appeasing and pleasing men. Tell him by message what’s happened so you don’t need to deal with his emotions and that you need some time alone with your kids to deal with the situation - that they’re your priority atm. Hope he understands and can give you the time and space you need. Then look after yourself, grieve and then break up with him as clearly you want different things - he wants a breeder and a baby, you want a caring life partner who wants to get to know you before a baby.

This feels really horrible. I feel like my whole lower region is falling out of me. I feel sicker than I have the last few weeks. It’s like an ironic joke.

I didn’t reply to his messages last night because I couldn’t face normal conversation while this was happening. I’m supposed to be seeing him tomorrow afternoon but I can’t pretend everything is fine until then. I just tried to call but no answer, probably because it’s 6:45 on a Sunday morning. He will know something is wrong. I’ve never called him before. Unfortunately it’s his day off and he has a tendency to sleep until 2pm on days off. It could be a while before I hear back from him. I don’t know how to have this conversation or what to say. He went from it’s your decision either way and I’ll support you regardless to utter excitement when I told him I didn’t want to terminate. There was no early panic. Just straight into planning. He told his best friend. Took afternoon's of work for a week to plan logistical things and I tried saying it’s way too soon for any of this. That he’s got 8 months for this kinda stuff. Now I’m here terrified of how I’m going to manage his feelings and reactions which I think will go one of two ways. Devastating and crushing disappointment which I can’t handle or over protective and worried about whether I’m ok. It’ll be one or the other but I don’t know him well enough to call which.

Both my daughters slept in bed with me last night. Not unusual but it was nice having them there. I needed them more than I think they needed me to be honest. Putting all the other stuff aside, I’ve never had a miscarriage before. Not even the hint of one. I feel like my body has both let me down and protected me at the same time.

Sending love op. Dont give him and his feelings too much thought. Let him know and gently move on.

I frequently ask on threads like this how the op got pregnant. Each time i get jumped on as a poster assumes I am accusing the op. Every time it is because the situation makes me think it was the man’s intention. Control. And the fact this guy told people so early about the op’s pregnancy is just red bunting. But I shall take this on board and in future phrase the question in a way that doesn't read like I am accusing the op.

This isn't normal.

You where together nine weeks. A baby does not need to be brought into that. Please use protection.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this and it's a very sad time xx

So does he now know op, how are you feeling, sorry about miscarriage such early days

OP, I hope you're OK. Or as OK as you can be. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think you should be very wary of this man and the way he's made you feel like it's all about him.

It's very common for people to end up in further abusive relationships following abuse, and he's giving off red flags to me. It's really worrying that he's so eager to get you pregnant so soon, not flattering.

Please take some time and space for yourself in the aftermath.

This is all kinds of wrong. Your poor children.

Oh OP, what a horrible situation for you. I can only echo what others have said but will add in that once you are in the right headspace to do so then please do the freedom programme. I believe you can do it online. Take care of yourself and focus on you and your dc.