Feel overwhelmed

[ItsTheCoo]

To start with my partner is an amazing person, however I'm struggling to deal with their behaviour sometimes. For example, if I need to cancel a date because of children they sulk, if I don't want sex they sulk, if I don't reply to a message I'll then get about 4 or 5 messages asking if they've upset me. I should add that I really like my own space, it's been just me and my kids for 5 years so when they're at their Dads I still like my own space, but they sulk if I don't give them all my child free time.

They have many good qualities, they're very generous (probably too generous), kind and thoughtful.

I'm not sure if there's red flags or if I'm the a hole?

Nobody needs a sulker in their life who moans when you put your dc's needs first. And especially not one who sulks when they don't get sex.

Well your partner doesn't sound like an amazing person if he sulks when he doesn't get his own way.
They are not kind and thoughtful if they try and bully you into doing what they want by sulking.
I would be very wary of this man OP.

More red flags than a communist parade. Adults who sulk are emotionally abusing you - they are attempting to coerce you into them getting their own way. In relation to sex in particular this is very concerning. Absolutely no way would I be in a relationship with someone who behaved like this - the bad far, far outweighs any possible good there could be. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

What about them sulking and hassling would make you the a hole @ItsTheCoo ?

The good qualities of this person are what attracted you and what keeps you hanging on. Those good things are a respite, a relief for your brain that stops you from seeing the bad stuff.

How many of the amazing qualities of this person happen in public, when someone is watching? Let me guess, the sulking is just for you.

You are struggling with it. Listen to your struggles, they are trying to protect you.

Thanks for your replies. I think I might have been ignoring red flags because I thought they might just be insecure and needing lots of reassurance.

We've been in a relationship for about 6 months, I often make up a scenario so I don't have to see them, so sometimes I am the a hole!

A mature, caring adult doesn’t sulk. Nor do they bombsrd you with messages when you don’t immediately reply to one of theirs.

This person is not amazing. They are manipulative and controlling. These are massive red flags.

Anxious attachment style I’m guessing, given the ‘have I upset you’ texts.. I can imagine it’s very difficult dating someone like this and given you’re making up reasons not to see them, tells you they’re not for you.

Sulking is not necessarily abusive but it is emotionally immature. That being said unlike other PPs I don't see your behaviour as unproblematic. Why lie if you don't want to see him? Use your words and communicate properly. You would be getting very different responses if you described a man behaving like you do, lying and not wanting to spend time with the person- the advice would be LTB.

Tbh it sounds like you may have an avoidant attachment style and him an anxious one - read about it. A relationship between two people who are essentially opposites emotionally can be truly toxic unless BOTH people do the work. Good luck whatever you decide.

I was married to one of these, although to be fair he was quite convivial when I first knew him, it was only later he showed his true colours.

He had these weird moods where he wouldn't speak and just sat staring straight ahead at the wall. I now know it's called "stonewalling".

Please ditch this guy OP it won't get any better.

Sorry I should have added that I lie because if I'm honest and say I need space they sulk and turn up anyway. I don't believe I'm not to blame in this situation, but I struggle with their big emotions and then I back down and end up apologising. I'm just at a loss as to how to walk away without feeling like the worst person in the world.

And yes you've probably hit the nail on the head, I've often thought since the breakdown of my marriage that I have an avoidant attachment style.

Making an excuse not to see them isn't arseholery @ItsTheCoo , it's protecting yourself.

Red flags start off so small, buying you the wrong drink 'by mistake' - you drink it so as not to embarrass them or hurt their feelings. You 'passed that test' so the next one is slightly bigger, by which time you are starting to like them and enjoy their company, you let it go. And so on = boiling frog. Until you get to the point where you feel so unsettled you post on MN.

Yes, they are insecure but it's not your job to reassure them, it's not your job to fix them. It is your job to protect yourself ... before they escalate, because they will.

Be careful, they won't take kindly to you making your own choices @ItsTheCoo

Just end the relationship it's not healthy.

Sounds like he thinks your role is to make him happy and screw what you want or need.

Six months in and he's behaving like this? Chuck him back.

Cross posted.

This is very worrying after only six months. I would speak to Women's Aid or a similar DA charity in how to keep yourself as safe as you can.

Never mind about feeling like the worst person in the world, you are not. Would you criticise anyone else for wanting a day to themselves or for making their own choices? This person is very manipulative. You need to keep yourself safe.

Sulking is deeply unattractive.
It's also a tool for abusive and coercive behaviour.
I'd chuck this one back in OP it's not going to get better.

You're feeling overwhelmed because he is overwhelming you.

People like this genuinely believe they are driven by 'love'.
They don't understand or are unwilling to admit it's about control.

The fact that you're struggling to deal with him and already feeling you can't end it without feeling guilty is a bunting line of red flags.
Just tell him you don't want to date him anymore as you're not compatible and you're not enjoying this. Don't hedge about and don't apologise. Be clear and maybe a little blunt.

@ItsTheCoo - this is hopeless. You lie to avoid seeing him. He sulks if you don’t give him your time, attention and body exactly when he wants them. You’ve been together 6 months and you’re already trying to avoid him. It’s irrelevant whether you’re avoidant and he’s excessively clingy. It’s just all very unhealthy and needs to end.

Just because they have some good qualities doesn’t mean you have to settle for them.

You deserve the whole package not just settling for someone because they have some good qualities.

You want different things from a relationship and it’s obviously not going to gel and work.

Simplify your life and cut him out.

I've been slow replying to them this morning and I'm they're in tears begging me not to break up with them. Honestly, I feel so drained!

Your partner isn’t an amazing person - he/she is a manipulative controlling insecure coercive abusive cunt who is already making your life a misery.

You have kids - do not allow this vile person into their lives

You know you have to end it. Don’t respond to their attempts at emotional blackmail - block and ignore

That's because he's draining you.

He has no respect for your personal space, preferences or agenda. As far as he's concerned you're there to serve his needs and feed his ego.

Understand this - a relationship with this man will suffocate you. Such drama over nothing all the time. Me me me.

Emotionally immature and desperate, he will make your life hell.