Feel overwhelmed

[ItsTheCoo]

To start with my partner is an amazing person, however I'm struggling to deal with their behaviour sometimes. For example, if I need to cancel a date because of children they sulk, if I don't want sex they sulk, if I don't reply to a message I'll then get about 4 or 5 messages asking if they've upset me. I should add that I really like my own space, it's been just me and my kids for 5 years so when they're at their Dads I still like my own space, but they sulk if I don't give them all my child free time.

They have many good qualities, they're very generous (probably too generous), kind and thoughtful.

I'm not sure if there's red flags or if I'm the a hole?

Give yourself a lovely Bank Holiday present. Break up with him, block him and just move on with your life

He isn't amazing, he's an emotional vampire

Those tears are not because they are upset, they are trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Look at the person with the unemotional eyes we all see him/her with - you'll see a very different story to the one they are telling you.

Thank you all for your replies and for allowing me to vent a bit. I honestly feel horrible but I think I know what I need to do.

One of my favourite quotes.

"Love does not exist in looking inwards at one another, but outwards together in the same direction."

That is to say, to love someone is to let them be who they are while you do the same. It is not to possess and smother them until their world shrinks in servitude to the relationship.

That's not romantic...it's control.

are they amazing with you though? They don’t sound it…

Amazing people aren't sexually coercive or controlling or sulk when you have to put your kids needs first.

He's manipulative and controlling and that's not healthy for you or your children.

This. Everything this. It’s not working for you, dump their controlling, emotionally abusive arse. It’s only 6 months, it will get worse much worse. They have absolutely no respect for your boundaries. Fuck their tears.

I lie because if I'm honest and say I need space they sulk and turn up anyway.

Massive red flag and incredibly rude/pushy to turn up anyway.

I'm glad you know what you need to do.

I suggest you pull the plaster off now while they're already winding themselves up into a state. "Sorry, xxxx, but you're right, this relationship isn't working for me and I'm calling it quits. You're a lovely person but we're just not suited. All the best." Or something. Then go out for the day.

If they blow up your phone, don't engage in to-and-fro.

If they turn up, don't let them in - if you feel like you must talk to them, go for a walk instead.

This is the beginnings of control. You'll stop doing xyz to prevent the sulking. And so it goes on.
You should end the relationship.

You're already changing what you say and how you react because of him and his childish, selfish behaviour.

Can you imagine if he said he wanted a weekend to himself and YOU turned up on his bloody doorstep and sulked because you felt 'neglected' or because you felt annoyed that he wasn't spending ever second of HIS free time with you?

It's not normal, rational behaviour OP. It's behaviour designed to make you very reluctant to ask for what you want or need e.g space and time for yourself.

The crying because he's 'scared you're going to dump him' are exactly the same, designed and calculated to illicit the response 'Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you...etc etc. He knows 100% that he's deliberately playing on your guilt and kindness because he's aware you're LESS likely to either dump him (because that would make HIM 'right' and YOU a 'liar' !) or to say you needed time alone again (because that would make YOU 'selfish' because you 'know it upsets him' and HIM the 'victim' !)

Just cut him off now, because this only gets worse.

A quick 'Listen, you're right. This relationship has simply run it's course for me so it's time for us both to move on.'

And if he pushes it, a quick 'I'm simply not happy, and that's never going to change' should convince him to stop pushing you to continue the relationship.

Then block on all social media and phones and refuse to answer the door if he comes round. If he won't go, a call to the police to deter him.

OP, don't go labelling yourself as 'avoidant' just because you need space from a stifling manipulative sulker.

It's perfectly normal to want to avoid people like that - forever.

If you are having to make excuses not to see them after only 6 months of dating this relationship has no future. What a waste of time for everyone. Time to call it a day.

@ItsTheCoo i can relate. My ex was a carbon copy. He was also extremely generous and I thought he was amazing becaus of his other qualities but in time - 2 years in my case, it escalated to the point where sulks became ‘telling offs’. ‘Is everything okay’ texts turned to mean messages. And the final straw, ‘concern’ for me turned to spying on whereabouts of my car. We didn’t live together and he interpreted me liking my own time and doing things like reading or coffee with friends as proof of not really wanting to be with him.

It was utterly exhausting and I realised he was not an ‘amazing’ guy after all. So back in the sea he went 😔

That's not being an asshole. That's lying to protect his feelings.

I agree with previous posters, he doesn't sound amazing at all. He sounds needy and childish. I hate sulkers with a passion. It's so passive aggressive. He's behaving like a child when he doesn't get his own way. You've already got children, you don't need another one.

Hi OP,

I've just read your update. It's not OK at all that you tell him you need space and he turns up anyway! That's creepy and boundary crossing! Avoidant or not, his behaviour is not OK! It's actually quite common for people who are avoidantly attached to stay in terrible relationships for a long time because they dismiss their own feelings.

The overwhelming feeling you feel is telling you to get out. Sometimes it's OK to be the villain in someone else's story.

Maybe look into your attachment style yourself when you are out of this situation because avoidantly attached people and anxiously attached people like him are magnets for each other. It isn't easy but it is entirely possible to change an attachment style to be more securely attached.

So yesterday I let them know I was struggling with the relationship and my feelings.....last night they booked us a weekend away to Paris!

So what are you going to do? Go?

This is more manipulation.

You have to be frank- any hint of explanation will invite them to worm their way in and unpick it all. So something like, “This isn’t working for me. I’m breaking up with you. Please stop contacting me now.”

There will become a list of things you owe them. There will become a list of times you’ve “treated them badly” by looking after your own needs or your children’s. They will tie you down.

Please don’t allow this to be something you have to stay for. It will only mean that you never leave (and you will lose your freedom, mental well-being, potentially your financial independence…)

I’m not exaggerating. These are huge red flags. Please do end things and then block.

That sort of behaviour is to be expected from someone such as this.

I think it would be better that you are clear that you want to end the relationship, if that's what you want to do, and not say any more. Don't go into how you are feeling or any of that, the more you give of yourself the more they have to work with against you. And most of all do not engage with anything they say or do because it is only designed to do one thing - have them back in control.

Please do not feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do @ItsTheCoo

As we’ve all said - control, manipulation, emotional blackmail. Making it so saying no makes you the bad guy.

Please don’t fall for it - this will just go round in circles endlessly. Tell them to cancel and leave you alone.

The longer this drags on the harder it will get to break away.

He is not amazing. He is no more able to communicate like an adult as a toddler and is dragging you down day by day.
I was married to a sulker and attention seeker for 20 years and considered suicide at one point. I was a shadow of my former self.
I'll never put up with that kind of crap again.
I'd be telling him to get counselling for his needy behaviour or get out.

And now they're trying to buy you and razzle-dazzle you.

He has sent a clear message here that your feelings don’t matter. He is controlling and manipulative. Look forward several years and you’ll be doing anything and everything to keep him happy. He’ll have trampled over your boundaries and feelings until there’s nothing left.

at this point, I’d end it by text and block him from communicating in any form. Make it clear I don’t want to hear from him and not to contact me. If he did I’d call the police. It’s been 6 months, you don’t owe him anything!

He thinks that this will reel you back in and make it impossible for you to break up with him. He is wrong. Tell him that you are not going and that you are breaking up with him.

He has manipulation down to a fine art, but don't be fooled. This is another red flag, not a generous and loving gesture. He is trying to buy your love.

Red flag central. I sadly also wouldn’t be at all surprised if when the love bombing attempts to keep you fail they turn nasty. Please keep yourself safe.