Desire to relocate to family since having a baby

[LoftyAnt]

We moved to Cornwall about 3 years ago and loved the lifestyle down here, the surfing, beaches, walking and discovering new places. Our daughter was born 18 months ago and, almost from the moment she was born, I have felt a longing to be closer to family. I have a close relationship with my family, for some reason I thought the 6+ hour distance would be manageable as it was before I was pregnant, but it's causing me so much sadness and stress. We speak regularly on video, they visit every few weeks (which isn't easy for them) and I go home when I can (highly stressful on my own with a baby/toddler)
The problem is my partner thinks differently, he has no desire to live closer to family (mine nor his) and does not want to move out of Cornwall. I've suggested a compromise e.g. trying somewhere for a year and he has reluctantly agreed, but he says that it's only because he feels forced into it and he's never going to be happy with the decision, even though the area we are thinking of remains beautiful, but we would be sacrificing the beaches.
I don't want to move when he's going to resent me and I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him into this, I want us to work together as a team. It's causing so many disputes and I don't feel like I can talk about it with him as it just becomes too distressing, but it's eating me up inside.
I know he loves the life we have down here and I don't want to sacrifice his happiness, but my priorities and outlook on life has changed since having a baby. Of course the practical support of grandparents would be very helpful, but for me, it's more the emotional support and my daughter growing up around the people that love her most. We also would like another baby, but I can't imagine the sleep deprivation+ toddler + no support.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation after having a baby? How did you and your partner manage the conflict ?

My situation is a bit different - we moved to a different city that I jusrt had my heart absolutely set on for various reasons and my husband didn't want to - BUT - he was in the end grown up about it and said - if we do it I will not blame you etc, he took a responsibility. But it was me pushing it and I felt incredibly guilty when it was hard settling in. I cried a lot!

What I think is very unfair of your H is to say that he would never be happy if you moved. That's just not how life works - you can make situations work if you want to.

I think familiy is massively important and in the end, more important than place to many - if you are deeply unhappy I think he could give it a try.

I get where he is coming from. You've moved together, enjoyed the life, and now you want to move towards family and that is usurping the life you have built together. Can you make the travel easier? I'm seven hours drive (on a good day) but only a 50 minute flight from family.

Idk. We tell men that they need to prioritize the family they’ve created over their “original” family, so I think the same applies here. It’s not like you have a terrible life in a shit hole town. I feel you’re choosing to fixate on this and need to focus more on the family you’ve made and learn to count your blessings. Maybe encourage your family to move or visit more often.

And moving somewhere for a year on a trial basis is a terrible idea by itself. Moving is expensive and stressful, especially with a small child. You won’t want to be doing it twice within a 12 month span.

FWIW, I live on a different continent from my family and miss them terribly too. It’s just life.

Is there somewhere closer you could move that has the beaches and a fairly laid back vibe without going fully back? Say within an hour or two? Not sure where a 6 hour drive might take you from Cornwall but somewhere like Lytham St Annes might work. That said, you have great quality of life, and I’m wondering if the very frequent visits are unsettling you because you’re lonely or exhausted or need support that you’re not getting from your DH.

We moved away from family and then moved back. It was a disaster, ppl allegedly cared but still visits and bonds weren’t as I thought.
I think it’s easy to imagine what it might be like, but reality is it’s rarely what it was. Try and make friends, try church maybe ? They were a saviour for us and we wernt remotely religious ; but defo gave us that family vibe x

If you move temporarily, he takes all the risk. Once there a year, you can just say the child is habitually resident there and has family connections, so shouldn't be moved again. Unless you both can work from anywhere in the country, it is two lots of job hunts and moving costs, particularly if you have bought any property that needs renting etc. Being honest with yourself, are you genuine about this being a temporary thing, or hoping he comes round?

Where roughly are your family? Is there somewhere similar but nearer by. I'm thinking eg Pembrokeshire / South Devon...6 hours is far

I sympathise OP, it’s tough being far away from family. But I’d be wary of leaving your life in a lovely part of the country to be closer to them. We moved back to my hometown when we had our second child, to be closer to family. We had a couple of good years, but now my parents have decided they’re going to holiday abroad all winter every year and it’s tough. My brother is still around, and some cousins, but people have busy lives. You probably wouldn’t end up seeing them any more than you do now.

I get the lack of family support, I’m from a different country so my parents, siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles aren’t here. My husband’s family are round the corner from us (everyone 45min max drive) but they’re totally not interested in even spending much time with us, let alone helping around the kids.

Sleep deprivation and two very young kids without family to lean on can be brutal and lonely. No one tells you how hard it is going from 1 to 2 kids, let alone without family support. If I had the option to move closer to my family I would, if only for the early years. You can always move back later on if you both miss it?

That's tough OP. I'm kind of inclined to agree with your DH. You're in a beautiful part of the country and the compromise is having your family far away. The only thing I'd say is what if you moved and (God forbid) your parents passed away. What then? Also is there any plans for your parents to move when they're older/retired etc?

Is there also any way to make the trip shorter I.e. trains/plane?

No advice however you need compromise in a relationship. He’s saying that he doesn’t want to live…but you may end up resenting him for not making the move. If he isn’t even going to try (the comment about never liking it) then I would seriously be thinking about the future of the relationship in all honesty

It's a tough one, I get you. I'm 4 hours from my family and I love my life here but I do wish they were closer, practically and emotionally. And since having DD it is so much harder being further away. I would love back in a heartbeat if it were feasible.

That being said, you need to consider if the lifestyle you want is compatible with where you want to move to. And, if you decided you had made the wrong decision, how hard will it be to reverse it once your child(ren) are older, settled in school, made friends etc. Also consider whether you'll be able to afford to go back if house prices continue to rise and your outgoings have increased with more children.

Family is amazing, if you have a supportive one. But you do need to live your life how you want it too.

I just wanted to add to my post above, it does get easier as the kids get older. Travelling to visit, using the videos for calls becomes much easier. DD often just takes my parents off to play with her on a video call on my phone now. She's learned how to stand the phone somewhere so they can see her and she can see them and then she plays "with" them.

What exactly is it that you imagine or hope will be different if you lived close to your family? Also, do you work?

Definitely a tough one.
I moved from the SE to the NW to be with my partner, many years ago. DD was 3 and DS was born 3 months later. It was TOUGH having zero family around. I was 36 and I’m now 54. I regretted the move for years. We tried to move back, but we never made it. All my family are scattered across the UK. I have visited my parents many many times over the years and I think I’ve seen my brother less than 6 times ( busy busy!!) I’ve got cancer now, my kids are young adults. Do I hear from my brothers? No. Do my parents wish I was closer? Yes.

Think long and hard before you make any big decisions, but I get where you are coming from.

OP I felt exactly the same as you so we moved to be a 5 minute drive from my Mum.

Then her husband got cancer, treatment was eventually successful but the cancer is likely to come back eventually. So within 6 months off us moving they eloped to Portugal because they want to do the things they’ve always dreamt of now before it’s too late.

Life in unpredictable. I wouldn’t live somewhere you don’t actually want to live just because family is there.

I feel for your husband tbh.

Also your family visiting every few weeks is seeing them lots! Something happened recently with my family’s health and now I only see my mother once or twice a year (and have 3 children under 5) and while it’s sad not to have family round the corner every week it is do-able. I have made my own network, lots of mum friends, friends from church. You can make Cornwall feel more like your village

Also think about where your children will have the best childhood/upbringing? I imagine most kids would love to grow up near beautiful cornish beaches. Maybe your parents would move closer to you? How old are they? Are they retired? etc. You have until your children are maybe 12/13/14 and after that they won't be that bothered about seeing their grandparents all that much anyway. They'll have their own busy weekend club activities and friends. Are your parents in good health? You can't force your DH to move nearer your family if he really isn't keen. My friends who are now mid to late 40s are starting to think about moving away. One has moved to Dorset as her kids are older/want to move. People don't live in one place forever these days. My parents both died when I was 41and 45. 4 years apart from each other. You can't predict the future. I lived 3 hours from them and was often driving up and down the M1 to visit them. Whatever choice you make you will no doubt regret some aspects of it.

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. I also feel guilty for DH, I understand his love of Cornwall, but I guess I didn't really explain my perspectives too well, how much of a toll this is having on my mental health and the area we are considering.
My parents are the main reason for moving, if they weren't around, I don't think I'd feel this strongly, but I also feel cut off down here from everyone and everything. I have closer friends near to where we're thinking of moving to. I understand about building your own village and I've been attending baby groups, have some friends/acquaintances from work (we're both NHS workers so we can work pretty much anywhere in the UK, someone mentioned this), but finding it hard to build a village and obviously it takes years to build up the close connections that I'm needing at the moment; nothing beats seeing yours and your friend's little ones, who you've known since you were four, from playing together or rocking up at your mum's for a nap or home cooked meal without guilt. I'm missing out on seeing friends e.g. one of my best friends who lives abroad came to the UK for work, but I couldn't make it to see her because of having travel commitments already to see family 2 weekends in a row after that - I didn't feel the travel was fair on my LO & she didn't have the time to make an extra trip down to Cornwall. I know these are just one off events, but I feel similar things are happening frequently. We often travel to Bristol half way, so a 2/3 hour trip doesn't feel very long anymore. My partner has also struggled to make friends, so his only pull to Cornwall is the beaches/countryside really.
Regarding making the travel easier, flights cost too much and are not year round (I'm talking £600+) and the train is usually around £180-200, but I've taken the train a few times...it takes around 8 hours altogether.

The area we are looking at is the Peak district, which would be 1-1.5 hours from my family. This was somewhere my DH suggested; I hadn't suggested it initially as I was looking at somewhere a bit closer to his family too in London but, although he gets on with his family, I think I enjoy more about seeing them that he does. 1-1.5 hrs may still sound like a distance to some people, but compared to what we have now it is easy, we often travel for an hour to see work friends down here. I wouldn't expect my DH to move to where my parents live because it wouldn't suit our outdoorsy lifestyle, wouldn't be somewhere I'd want to bring up our child and I know my DH wouldn't be happy there. But the peak district essentially offers everything we have here, minus the beaches (although plus the mountains). We enjoyed climbing pre-baby, love walking/hiking etc, so I think the Peaks would suit us perfectly and he also said that he really likes it, but doesn't want to risk what we have down here.

Both mine and his family are incredible, I feel very lucky to have them both..they help as much as they can from a distance and I know they'd adore to see our LO more often. I feel we should make the most of them. My dad is 70+ and finding the travel increasingly difficult (he's always been an anxious traveller), so I feel the frequent-ish visits are time-limited (we basically aim to see eachother every 6-8 weeks either here, there or halfway but it's tough and we also do the same with my partner's family). My mum is also feeling the strain of being so far away from us&frequently gets upset. But they can't, and I wouldn't expect them to, leave all our other family behind, especially my Grandma who my mum provides a lot of support for.

I honestly wish I felt differently. Of course I hope that a temporary move would become long term, it would be more of a trial to make sure my DH was happy and I understand the financial strain and stress of relocating and we have spoken about this. I would absolutely not want to move twice in a short space of time, but is it more important to safeguard my mental health, or the money?

I do think it’s a bit crazy that you are seeing your family two weekends in a row…seems a bit emeshed to me. I think you do need to find your own social life rather than spending every weekend with family. Promise you as your kids get older you will need your own social circle as a family

She does say it's every 6-8 weeks and that it was a "one off" she sees becoming more regularly that she missed something beautiful two weekends in a row. Probably different family or two events close together.

I get it, I miss all sorts because I simply can't be on the road every weekend, but sometimes it's two or more important events close to one another and it's exhausting but necessary.

I live on the Devon Cornwall border, and all my family are up country in London or further away. We moved here when our youngest was 15 months and lots of friends and family still think we're mad, 10 years later. The first years, when it's hard to travel with young ones, and you don't have an established network, are hard. But honestly, my oldest is now in year 7, and one of her after school clubs is surf club. Both of them are golden and healthy country kids, and although I know they'll soon notice that they don't have the freedom that city teenagers have, their childhood has been amazing. It took about 5 years to become part of the community here, for local friendships to go beyond politeness. I actually noticed it first during a crisis - I was seriously ill and the community response was amazing. Now this is truly my home, my kids have the accents and react with horror when we go to London (where the oldest was born). You are immobile with young children, but as soon as the youngest can carry their own backpack and get around without a pushchair you are free to travel again. Whether you can wait that long is a personal decision, but you will make ties here, and there are many brilliant things about living here.

Realistically how much time do you think you would spend seeing your family? I say this as someone who lived over 3 hours from family, moved closer and the contact stayed about the same. Not that the move was for anything other than jobs.

You are still either expecting them to travel up to 90 minutes to you and then 90 minutes back or you doing that distance. How often would your Dh want to spend time with your parents? This isn't a pop round for a coffee situation, you are still looking at distance. Personally I think you are mad to move from where you are to an idea of what life might be like. People tend to make more of an effort when you are further away.

Plus you have said your Dad is struggling with travel what if that means it is only ever you getting in the car and driving to your parents' house? Before long you have the commitment of school too so your own time with your children gets cut down too.

I am going to be horrible, what if you move and your parents die within 6 months of moving? What would you do then? Stay? Move back to Cornwall? Both Dh and Iost our Mums when we were in our 30s. Both Mums fit and healthy but cancer is a bastard. Do not underestimate how stressful moving house is especially to a new area too. You would need to travel up to find a place to live with a young child in tow. Been there, done that.

If you were my friend I would be telling you to stay put, you chose that house, that location and you had your reasons. Your life is good, there is nothing wrong with where you live it is you wanting to be closer to your parents.

I can't imagine putting a place before people tbh, so find it very difficult to see your husband's POV. Plus he's got decades of life ahead to spend in Cornwall. It wouldn't hurt him to sacrifice a few years so you can raise your children with support in their extended family.

I don't want to move when he's going to resent me and I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him into this, I want us to work together as a team.

But you ARE forcing him into this. You agreed on Cornwall together but now you’ve changed your mind and it’s become all about what YOU want. Your version of “working together as a team” is him doing exactly what you want. Where’s the team in that?! He doesn’t want to move but it sounds like you’re continuing to guilt trip him.