Mum wants to sue me for defamation?

[ThatDenimExpert]

I have been talking to people, mainly professionals, to deal with my childhood abuse. My mother is adamant that she didn’t abuse me, and doesn’t know where my memories have come from, and has told me that if I tell anyone, she will sue me for defamation. I currently don’t have proof, but am currently in the process of applying to obtain my school, medical, and children’s social service involvement records from childhood. There’s likely to be missing evidence because it’s historical but I’m hoping there will still be something. Can she sue me if I tell people and don’t have evidence or can’t obtain it?

Honestly it depends on what your plans are. If you are just talking to a therapist about it then she cannot sue for defamation, she has no case.

If you were to go to the local cafe or shop and tell everybody that walked in about it then yes, potentially she does have a case.

Oof OP even asking this question shows she's done a number on you. See the 'we took you to stately homes' thread on here for fellow sufferers. And carry on with the therapy.

Defamation applies only to the written, published word.

A successful case in the UK would be possible if you published these accusations (including on social media) to a third party, your mum was identifiable and what you said would “lower her in the estimation of a right-thinking person.”

The burden of proof would be on you (in the US it would be on her) to prove what you said was true. That’s a defence.

It’s a civil matter, not criminal, so the police wouldn’t be interested.

Slander is spoken word.

It is incredibly expensive and difficult to bring a defamation to court and win in the UK. Unless your mum has very, very deep pockets you have nothing to worry about there.

It sounds like she’s just using these threats to manipulate you sadly.

Unless you are going to take her to court for abuse there is no way she can prove you’ve said anything about her. Your counselling sessions would be private and she has no right to know what you say there.

@ThatDenimExpert and how will she find out if you tell your therapist anything about your childhood with her??? it is all confidential and you dont tell anyone either!! in fact, how does she even know you are going to therapy??

Spoken word is slander, not defamation. It’s harder to prove because your mum would have to demonstrate actual damage to her reputation.

Your mum clearly doesn’t want any of this to come out… in court it absolutely would!

She would bear the initial burden of proving the defamatory statement was made and caused serious harm.

If she established serious harm, you would have to prove the statement was true (and therefore not slanderous).

I doubt she’s making a serious threat here.

good luck!

I have a very similar background.

The bigger issue here is why you’re still allowing her to control you? You don’t have to have contact with her.

Can't you see what she's doing? By making all these threats about suing you for defamation and whatever else, she is abusing you all over again.

How did she see these books on your shelf - do you still live at home, or do you have your own place and she saw them there?

I wish threatening to sue for defamation could be a criminal offence. Used by bullies to silence people. Robert Maxwell for example.

If it went to court then your accusations would be in the record and forever linked with her name, and as it is fairly unusual to sue for slander/defamation it would possibly make the papers and most people would think there’s no smoke without fire/the lady doth protest too much so it would make her look worse. Any legal advisor worth their salt would advise her to drop it.

I really wouldn’t concern yourself with her threats, she won’t go through with it unless she’s stark raving bonkers.

She won't do it, too much of a risk that it goes wrong.
Im pleased your getting help.
Abusive childhoods can ruin adult lives

I think you’re thinking of libel? Libel (written) and slander (spoken) are both forms of defamation.

That doesn't necessarily apply where the accusation is that someone committed a criminal offence.

That's not how the law of defamation works. All that the mother needs to prove is that OP said or wrote something potentially defamatory to someone else. If OP's defence is that her accusation was true, she has to prove that it was.

She is trying to regain her control over you and cram the lid down on your memories. She knows damn well that you aren’t lying and is banking on the fear she programmed into you as a child to save her from any consequences for her actions.

It’s really important that you don’t let her stop you from exploring and processing your past. They are YOUR memories, your story, and you have every right to tell whomever you choose. If she didn’t want to be embarrassed or exposed, then she shouldn’t have abused her child.

Classic abuser tactics, scaring you into submission.

Chat this very thread and why you panicked and posted with your therpaist. The other option is to look her in the eye and say “you cannot control and bully me any more mum. i am not afraid of you”

Why is she even in your house?

She is a narcissist. Have you considered going no/low contact, while you try to heal? You can’t heal from abuse, if the abuser is still in your life abusing you.
She is gas lighting you. You need to distance yourself in order to heal and move on. Please stick with the therapy, no matter how much she may try make you stop it

Whilst it very traumatic to have grown up with abusive parents. however that went for you. I don't think taking your mother to court would fix how you feel.
I think the greatest gift is to take control back of your life and block all control with your abuser.

What's often tricky about these situations is that it comes down to he said/she said and it can't be proven either way. None of us knows what really happens behind closed doors. Wealth doesn't have anything to do with whether she was abusive or not.

The OP’s mother is the one threatening to take her DC to court if DC tells anyone about the abuse.

OP, I’m not a lawyer, but I really don’t think that your mother would actually do this. Her priority here is to prevent people finding out about the abuse, a court case would achieve the exact opposite. You’re perfectly within your rights to talk about your abuse, and how would your mother even find out? You’re talking to your therapist about it, and maybe some others that you really trust- she’s not going to know. It might be a different matter if you posted on SM/wrote a book about it/told the story to a magazine etc, but talking to a few trusted people about it is perfectly reasonable and what you need to heal. She’s just saying the only thing she can think of to frighten you into keeping quiet.

I’m so sorry for what you went through

The counsellor will have to keep your confidence unless it’s a present safeguarding issue.

you don’t need to tell your mum your talking to a professional, just do it and keep her uninformed.

I call her bluff.

I'm sorry for what you went through, OP: good luck in your healing process 💐🙏

She's still abusing you with these threats, OP. She doesn't sound like a safe person to have in your life and I would suggest you build a bit more distance from her.

If I understand your post, it suggests that you’re financially dependent on your mother. This makes it kind of tricky because on one level you want to heal but on another level you need the cash. I don’t say this lightly because I understand completely how difficult it is to stand on your own 2 feet when trying to recover from trauma. She’s also probably paying for your therapy.
i would stop worrying about proving or not proving the abuse right now, you can tell as many therapists whatever you like and there a confidentiality agreement so there’s nothing your mother can do. I would however try a bunch of different therapies like emdr for instance which actually help you shift trauma and begin the healing process. Focus on your healing journey at this stage and worry about fighting with your mother about proof later.
Obviously ignore what I’ve written if you believe some of the abuse could wind up with police involvement, which is a whole other kettle of fish