I would like a relationship after divorce who will also be a kind and interested ‘ friend ‘ to my son. Is that too much to ask?

[camolin]

I’m divorced and apart from my exh for six years. I am ready for a new committed relationship and have done all the work!
I would like for this man to be a good friend to my son.. interested in his life and genuinely enjoy his company rather than seeing him as an extension of me or someone I have in my
life.
I have no intention of living with a man while my teens are still at home but would
like this man to be involved as a friend of and when the time 🕰️ s right and the relationship is established.

my sons father has not interest in him and vice Verda. He dearly
misses a male role man in his lifefe and regularly gets upset that we are ‘ not. Real family’ despite me explaining that all families are different. He craves that male adult company and guidance and respect. He has it from one of his uncles but no one else.
I was not ready for a relationship until now as my son also has had sogn Go any anxiety and depression so he needed 100% of my free time. He is doing very well now and has voiced this wish about having a strong and kind male in his life.
what are your thoughts here please? Is it too much to ask?

I’m not sure if you’ve tried dating at all in this time but as a single mum of 6 years also, in the earlier days I tried, whilst men didn’t have a problem I had children, it was clear hardly any if any wanted a proper committed relationship, perhaps as you aren’t looking to live with them any time soon that would help, all you can do is try, my only advice would be not to introduce your son too quickly.

Thanks . Yes o feel strongly about that as I’ve heard too many horror stories and anyway he has come so far in his healing to destroy that, which is why I was hesitant and reluctant essentially, to date again until I was fully ready.

I think you should just look for your son to spend more time with his uncle and other male relatives.

Perhaps see if he might find a mentor through clubs or counselling or charities such as Young Minds or something .

I don't think finding a boyfriend to fill that role is practical.

Of course any potential partner of yours should like and be a good role model to your son, but first thing first, you've got to like them and take time to build a relationship.

Your son's need is more immediate. I would look to friends, family and external support before some romantic interest of yours.

Thanks. I’ve done that and tried that for years. It has worked to a point . He does not engage with groups or sports . I genuinely have tried everything

Well you can't just magic up a decent, trustworthy boyfriend, who wants to be involved with your son either.

It'll take time and kissing frogs.

I think that’s an ambitious ask.
Just finding a decent single man who behaves well with you will be difficult, and it will take a long time to find out whether he is, before he can meet your son.
Dating as a single parent isn’t easy either.
I agree that if you’re looking for a role model then finding this through hobbies or clubs could be better. Scouting or cadets could be good options? Depending on age the Duke of Edinburgh scheme?
Otherwise I’d arrange for more time with his uncle. I don’t think dating to find a role model is a realistic option given the dire dating pool at the moment. Which is typically men other women have kicked out for poor behaviour, men who want short term fun or single guys who don’t want kids.

Could you try a mentorship scheme for your son? You might be waiting a while for this perfect man.

Don't forget Andrew Tate although he is a misogynist twat has stated 80 per cent of women would only date 20% of men.

My theory is there are 80 per cent of high value women and only 20 per cent of high value men.

You can find role models through your family and extra curricular and your friendship circle. I had a platonic friendship I paid handyman services from time to time he was an uncle type but also ds's childminder's partner gave an uncle type role.

Ds is lucky his dad and much older half siblings are role models anyway.

This does seem like a particular request, which I think is going to be very difficult to find.

You're essentially asking for a man who is committed and a role-model/father figure to your son, but cannot live with you, and when he does visit spends a lot of time with your son rather than you. Your son wants a "real family" but you don't want your potential partner living with you.

I think you're better off looking for this role-model elsewhere (like the uncle or as others have said in scouting etc).

You and every other divorced and widowed woman out there.

From experience, these men are very thin on the ground and the pickings are extremely slim in the dating world.

Focus on being a role model for you DS yourself - if you’re waiting for the mythical rainbow unicorn man, you’ll be waiting a very long time and you’ll be in a very long queue.

Plus even the 20% high value men will be seeking a nurse with a purse. All the women I know who have moved on were patient enough to 'nurse' them emotionally as well as provide financially.

I haven’t managed to find that in many years. I have boyfriend and he is nice to my teenagers but ultimately hardly sees them. He prioritises his own children and I prioritise mine. Unless you are moving in together I don’t think it’s an easy thing to find. My older son has a male mentor, who is his friends dad. My son and this man have the same career choice.

I think there is a deficit of good men available later in life sadly. The good one's get married and tend to stay married. The one's available are one's other women threw back for good reasons. There are just more good women than men out there.

I really don't think Andrew Tate's misogynistic meanderings bear any relationship to reality.

I agree with @FutureCatMum that this is an ambitious ask -- but how old is your son now? It may take years to get to the point where you find someone you like enough and feel stable enough with to get to the point of introducing them, by which time your son may be leading his own independent life elsewhere, and they may simply not see very much of one another at all.

A good friend of mine, who raised her son alone (unplanned pregnancy, father not interested and living on the other side of the world) is now in a serious relationship with a widower with a child of the same age as hers (21/22), but as one is a university student and the other is currently on a year out, travelling, and neither are likely to live at home again, I think the relationship is very much quite a distant just 'Mum's boyfriend'.

This - and your other post - is utterly bonkers and not true. A “nurse with a purse”?! what makes a “high value man” then if he’s broken emotionally and also can’t pay his way?! Crikey.

OP, you will find someone lovely. You have to put yourself out there and it takes time. In the meantime, like other PPs have suggested, try something like a mentoring scheme for him, or getting your son into an activity with lovely male role models too.

I think you’re being completely unrealistic. Just build the relationships your son has with male family members and keep your son out of any of your romantic relationships. What would you do if you met a man who your son got very attached to and your relationship didn’t work out? It’d all be very messy. Just keep it all separate.

Would you want that kind of relationship with his daughter? (Or son?)

Would your son want it?

I'm seeing a man who's kind and interested. If we all have dinner together, he makes a good effort to engage young adult DC, and they're polite back, but they have no real interest in being his mate, and why would they they?

Facilitate your son to spend more time with his Uncles.
Enroll DS in Scouts and Duke of Edinburgh Award.
Both of you join the nearest angling club and go fishing with groups of males and females.
Ask if your local Men's Shed has any times when they teach tradie skills to youngsters.
Join the local volunteer fire brigade with your son. There are more men than women there..

Wouldn't a man who wants to develop a close relationship withh your son be something of a red flag? And even if that weren't the case why would you want to set your fragile son up to form a close realtionshop with someone likely to be transient in his life?

If you're never going to live together why would this potential man even see much of DS?

It's unrealistic to expect a romantic partner to act as a father figure to your son. Depending on your ages, many men might have children of their own to parent and if the romantic relationship breaks down, your son would feel abandoned.

Like others have said, you're going to have to make sure he gets time with his uncle but realistically, having a father figure in his life is not guaranteed and may not happen.

It isn't too much to ask. If you feel ready to go on a few dates then go for it.

If and when you do meet someone you like, take is very slowly.

I have 2 children, one of whom still lives at home with me (18). I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 years and he is going to be moving in with us next month. My boyfriend did not stay over at our house for the first year we were dating, I would go to his. We took our time and everything just developed naturally. My son and my boyfriend have a hobby in common which is wonderful.

It can happen but take your time and keep encouraging your boy to spend plenty of time with his uncle in the meantime.

Good luck.

how old is your son OP?

I did have a partner post divorce who paid attention to my son (who was about 9 when they met). And they got on really well! He noticed that his father didn't do anything with him, so he did do stuff like conkering, taking him to play golf, cycling, and also laughing with him at really juvenile things! He taught him and played chess with him too. We went on skiing holidays too which my ds really enjoyed (I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to skiing) and lots of other things My ds never saw my exp as a father figure, but they had a great relationship!

So it can happen, but I'd say its less likely to if your ds is older.

Sadly we did split up, and my ExP chose not to continue contact with my children - but I must say they seem ok about it!

You’re contemplating a risky strategy, OP. What will happen if the relationship with that kind man breaks down? Then his relationship with your son will also probably break down too.

Don’t rely on a relationship to find a good friend for your son.

In general men like emotional support from their woman even the ones working in decent jobs. They are not 'broken' they just prefer a woman.

You are putting quite a lot onto one hypothetical man in that case.