I would like a relationship after divorce who will also be a kind and interested ‘ friend ‘ to my son. Is that too much to ask?

[camolin]

I’m divorced and apart from my exh for six years. I am ready for a new committed relationship and have done all the work!
I would like for this man to be a good friend to my son.. interested in his life and genuinely enjoy his company rather than seeing him as an extension of me or someone I have in my
life.
I have no intention of living with a man while my teens are still at home but would
like this man to be involved as a friend of and when the time 🕰️ s right and the relationship is established.

my sons father has not interest in him and vice Verda. He dearly
misses a male role man in his lifefe and regularly gets upset that we are ‘ not. Real family’ despite me explaining that all families are different. He craves that male adult company and guidance and respect. He has it from one of his uncles but no one else.
I was not ready for a relationship until now as my son also has had sogn Go any anxiety and depression so he needed 100% of my free time. He is doing very well now and has voiced this wish about having a strong and kind male in his life.
what are your thoughts here please? Is it too much to ask?

Sorry what? This is just misandry.

Still, most men are the main earners - and so it’s a minority of men who are seeking the “purse” part. And I wouldn’t classify that minority as “high value men”.

And I have a husband who does 90% of the housework and “nurse” role. So it’s absolutely not true that 100% of men are looking for someone they can take advantage of either financially or emotionally or both.

I hope you’re not in a relationship or raising boys because your standards for men are on the floor.

And having seen what some women accept from men in relationships, I sincerely doubt that the quoted 80% of “high value” women are seeking the “20%” of high value men. From my perspective, 80% of all women accept all but the lowest from men (sometimes because they don’t have a choice because they are financially enmeshed).

I am happily single. Ds has his dad and older siblings as well as role models the environment provided as time went on.

I think the challenge will be finding a single man that you consider good enough to be involved with your son at all. It really is hard work.

I think you are looking for an ideal here tbh. Relationships are tricky at the best of times .Many divorced or single men dont really want to add DC to the mix which is why so many go for younger single girls . Just concentrate on your DC for now .If you do meet someone take it slowly, and dont rush it

It sounds quite impractical. Even in the best case scenario that you find such a bloke, he's a good one and the relationship lasts, he's surely not going to see enough of DS for the sort of thing you're after anyway.

This. Sorry OP but your children’s life and your romantic life if you choose to have one should be two separate things. Don’t entangle them. Your son is at a vulnerable age and needs stability. Seek other male role models for him as people have suggested.

Judging by my friend group’s experience with dating you’re being rather ambitious.
They have enough trouble finding decent men without taking the extra needs in to account.
Are there any hobbies that you and your son both enjoy, so you could maybe join clubs together? Cycling, running, trainspotting, whatever. Just places where you might find single men for either dating or friendship (I’m clutching at straws a bit here)

Stats from dating sites do indicate that the vast majority of women are interested in only 20% of the men, hence there being a rise in angry, incel men. That is because women’s standards are gradually rising and they won’t accept awful, useless or misogynistic men and unequal relationships. This is a good thing: men will need to improve their behaviour and pull their weight financially and domestically if they wish to find a good partner.

OK so I'm lucky enough to have got my happy ending with this one, and have a well merged and happy family relationship with my other half, for quite a number of years-children, now adults all get on great, and get on well with their respective step parents.

However, it takes time and work. I didn't introduce my partner to my kids until we'd been in a relationship well over a couple of years, and until I was happy enough he was good enough and we were likely to last the distance. It was done on the kids timescales, as was the meeting of all the kids, with dedicated separate time so no resentment.

It strikes me like you're almost interviewing for the replacement father. That won't work. If you're doing this, it needs to be someone you see yourself with long term, who has similar values and alignment from a parental stand point but will never be a replacement, but rather an addition.

Like pp have said, your relationship with someone, and a relationship with your child are 2 separate matters, dont run before you can walk

Yes. And naive at that.

On the other hand, it’s a nice wish and who knows you could unearth this mythical creature - some people must get lucky so why not you. Good luck, be careful

Imagine if you saw the profile of a man asking this:

"I would like a partner who will act as a mother figure and female role model to my daughter and be interested in her life from the moment go. You will not be allowed to move in and live me and whenever we meet you must take an interest in my daughter and act like a real family".

What would you think?

Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.

Have you explored why your kid refuses to engage with clubs or groups? Scouts, cadets, any kind of organised activity will have role models. No interest in sports, learning to play a musical instrument?

I have one of these, but I’m aware of what a rarity he is. It helps that he’s a very hands on dad to his own DC so loves being around my DC for their own sake. So I’d say such men do exist BUT don’t settle for anything less - a partner who resents of doesn’t value your child is much worse than no partner/male figure at all.

This. All of this.

I agree with everyone else on this thread.
You are chasing dreams here.
Indeed, as a pp said, it is an odd thought for a chap to be out looking for a teen boy to befriend

In theory, you might meet a nice new partner, and, when you've decided it is a long term, serious relationship, then you introduce him to your ds, and they might hit it off and bond over something some time down the line, but it would just be luck. Not something to be looking for in a potential new partner.

That may very well be true. However, I’m not sure that 80% of all women are “high value”.

You can’t date a man because your son wants a father figure. That’s all kinds of disaster waiting to happen. Keep your romantic life and your son’s desire for male role models separate.

It takes time to find someone decent, especially as a single parent. Then a good year or more before introducing your son. Then who knows whether they will gel. And how lousy for the bloke to basically be wanted as a substitute father rather than desired in his own right.

If you reversed the sexes and were a bloke wanting to date a woman who’d be a role model for his daughter, we’d be telling you off in no uncertain terms.

I bet you men are only interested in about 10% of women on those same sites. The very young and “hot” ones.

The internet is a strange place.

You’re putting the cart before the horse op. It might therefore be better to go looking for the cart - at sports clubs, hobby clubs etc - and think about finding the horse afterwards.

Well, they’re clearly higher value than the men in question if it is predominantly the men who aren’t able to find anybody prepared to have a relationship with them or, in many cases, even date them.

Perhaps. Yet there isn’t a widespread issue of angry femcels, is there?

But there are a whole load of women frustrated and bitter that they can’t find a decent man, many of whom really do seem to despise men… you see it in almost every MN thread!

Yes, you don’t get the violent extremes with women, but then the vast majority of incels aren’t violent either, just sad bitter men convinced they’ll never find a woman.

I've read a lot of very good replies, OP. So I'm just going add strength to the numbers.
Dating a man because you want a father figure for your son is a bad motivation. Your son has a father who's uninterested in him. That's aweful. And what you're doing is trying to do whatever you can to compensate for that aweful and painful fact. But the reality is, you can't. No uncle or stepfather is ever going to take away from the fact that his own damn father doesn't care about him. Your son doesn't need you to push random male role-models on him. He needs to be allowed to feel how much that hurts, so he can heal from it. By sticking band-aids on it, it's not going to make it hurt any less.

Now, would it be nice of you met someone you really liked and as an added benefit he also hit it off with your son? Sure. But the idea shouldn't be that you need to find a man o your son has a father. You should be doing it because this man is a positive figure in your life.
You need to really take a setp back here and ask yourself whether all your attempts to fix this is really what's best for your son. A child needs to learn that sometimes life sucks and we can't do anything other than take our time and heal.