How do you manage presents to your partners parents?

[LibbyOTV]

On your in laws birthdays, do you do a joint present with DH/DW, or do you buy something separate just from you? Got a big one coming up and can't decide what to do

DH sorts it out and says it’s from the two of us.

And I sort out the presents for my own parents and say it’s from the both of us, unless I’ve done something different with my siblings which happens occasionally.

DH buys all the presents for his parents and they're "from" both of us. I don't get involved.

Joint present.

child of the parent takes the lead unless the partner/spouse happens to have a spontaneous brilliant idea.

I’ve never ‘managed’ one in 30 plus years!

Thank you so much. This is a relief. And do you contribute half of the present or less than half? Partners family spend much more on presents than me

I wouldn’t get involved at all. My husband always did everything to do with his parents and family and I did everything to do with mine.

And do you contribute half of the present or less than half?

I contribute nothing. But we have joint finances. And he wouldn't give to mine, so it balances out.

My DP organises presents for his side of the family, pays for them with his money and writes both our names on the label. I do the same for my family. When our DD is older he will also organise presents and cards from her to that side of the family.

Esrly in a realtionship, if i was going to be plresnt on the day, id take a small token, once the relationship is established always joint.

I did sort them out for DH's parents because it had been the norm for women to do that in my upbringing, but I wouldn't do it for current DP's parents.

Neither, it's a family expense so it comes out of joint funds.

I'd let him pay for his family's presents and I pay for mine. We just have both of our names on the card.

Why is it a relief OP - does your DP/DH think it's your job to 'manage' all presents because you're a woman? I do think many men delegate all emotional management of the family (arranging visits, phone calls, checking in and offering hugs and sympathy during emergencies or illnesses, managing conflict and difficult conversations etc etc) to their female partners because it's a general social assumption that's 'women's work' - I know some men who would basically never see or talk to their parents or siblings if it wasn't for their wives (and mums, sisters and sisters in law), not because there's been some major falling out but just pure laziness/inaction, ironically enough the female members of their family would say what a brilliant son/brother they are .

Wouldn't stand for that sort of thing myself, that being said in a functioning and equal long term relationship there's no need to be rigid about it and refuse to ever do anything for your partner's family on principle, I like my parents in law a lot so if I have a great idea for a present or see something lovely in the shops of course I'll buy it for them, just like my husband would for my family, and if one of us is checking the shared calendar and sees mother's day or a birthday or whatever is coming up we'll remind the other and chat through ideas about how to celebrate without it mattering whose family it relates to. In terms of money presents for family (whoever's family) come out of joint expenses so we contribute equally (we spend about the same on both although again no-one needs to keep score, we might spend a bit more on one 'side' or the other some years for whatever reason but it evens out over time)

DP buys present for her family. Sticks my name on it as well.

I do the same for my family. Job done.

You’re a couple, the present comes from both of you and is sorted by who evers parents birthday it is.

Thank you all - why does this all sound so obvious now you've said it!

@NoctuaAthenethank you so much for taking the time to share that. It's really helpful and makes a lot of sense. I do agree and have asserted that to my partner, who also does on principle, but somehow I seem to take it on, partly cos he's disorganised and cos I take it on myself. I have some anxieties around presents and doing the right thing socially in these kinds of situations. I'm worried of seeming mean or suck-up and don't feel I always know the 'right' way to do things. Other daughter in law gave her own present last time so aware of that too!

There is an element of maybe being more anxious than I need to be but also he doesn't step up and manage this relationship himself enough and slightly reverts to teenage mode with his parents. Also his parents are very generous to me (mine are too when they see him but it's less) and I really like them so that came into it - and I like what you said about that too, that attitude speaks to me. I feel and want to be generous and loving to them as they are to me.

But I think me and my partner need to have another proper conversation where we discuss this as I've been spending time and energy on this. I probably also need to let go a bit though.

I sort it out and it's from both of us (+children). Money comes out of joint account.

Which I know in MN world means I am a downtrodden fool. But I like buying presents. I like wrapping, writing messages in cards (yes - I still send cards!).

There's been times when DP has had an idea and sorted it. But I have the better ideas (of course 😉 ).

I have nothing to do with presents for the in laws. DH sorts them out, pays for them, and shops with DD for her presents for PIL. And vice versa. We are the other way round in that my side is much more generous (and thoughtful) than his, so I spend more but I’m happy with that.

DH and I have a joint account for household bills but otherwise separate finances for anything else. He would pay for a gift from his own money and treat it as being from both of us. And I would do the same for my parents.

Don’t get into the habit of buying for his parents. Once you start, it’s a slippery slope and he’ll start leaving it to you.

He buys for his side, and you buy for yours.

He pays for his parents' and siblings' presents and I pay for mine. We don't contribute to each other's. The presents are given from us as a family (dh and me and our dc).

I see. I do think there are people out there (of both genders) who are wonderful, caring people but do have a genuine blind spot when it comes to gifts or arranging celebrations - it can be that they just don't like or want those things for themselves and can struggle to understand why others do, or just a sort of emotional paralysis where they can't gauge what an appropriate present is or how much to spend or whatever and are at risk of getting it wrong. I think it's fine for these people to get a bit more help from their partner with the present buying than would otherwise be the case. My DH can be a bit like this, he's an immensely practical person and likes nothing better than being given a power tool or household appliance as a gift for himself, or even something like socks or pants, so we've had to have a few conversations about how most people don't feel the same way and why those sorts of presents can make people feel quite under-appreciated and dull . Sometimes I take more of a lead on what to buy for special occasions for his family members as I just think I am a bit better than him at having creative or 'thoughtful' ideas (I put that last one in inverted commas because he actually put a lot of thought into some of his more notable 'misses' of gifts, took time to think about the gift recipient and their lives and how a new top of the range cleaning product or kitchen gadget would be really useful, then put plenty of research into getting them the very best one, it's just that many people don't really feel that a high-end iron or super-special router is what they've been missing from their lives all along😅). I don't see me helping him out with this as a problem or a sign of inequity in our relationship per se, there's plenty of things he's much better at than I am and does more of so it all evens out.

That being said like I say there are some shitty lazy men out there where it's not a case at all that they're incapable of buying their Mum a present or sorting out a birthday card for their wife, they can do it if they try, they just can't be bothered to try at all (and why should they, if their wife will just do it for them if they don't, they think). I guess you know which kind your DH is!

Present is from both of us, but whoever’s “side” of the family it is will dictate who takes the lead on it.

Other daughter in law gave her own present last time so aware of that too!

On this, I think it does sometimes depend how long you’ve been together too. I gave my own presents the first few years into the relationship. My DH and I have been together over 10 years now, though, and share finances, hence everything being split/joint.

Thanks all! We've been together 7 years and just bought a house but not married. When we go out for meals they will pay for me, hence me feeling like I should be generous. What happens when you all go out with in laws, do you pay for your share or let them pay? I feel like it letting them pay, I am expected to make up for it somehow but not sure how haha

Yes, but how would your in-laws know whether you have contributed financially to their present or not? They clearly view you as family, so I'd stop worrying about it.