Page 2 | How do you manage presents to your partners parents?

LibbyOTV · 2025-05-22T14:04:05+00:00

On your in laws birthdays, do you do a joint present with DH/DW, or do you buy something separate just from you? Got a big one coming up and can't decide what to do

Original poster

LibbyOTV · 22/05/2025 17:05

NoctuaAthene · 22/05/2025 16:00

I see. I do think there are people out there (of both genders) who are wonderful, caring people but do have a genuine blind spot when it comes to gifts or arranging celebrations - it can be that they just don't like or want those things for themselves and can struggle to understand why others do, or just a sort of emotional paralysis where they can't gauge what an appropriate present is or how much to spend or whatever and are at risk of getting it wrong. I think it's fine for these people to get a bit more help from their partner with the present buying than would otherwise be the case. My DH can be a bit like this, he's an immensely practical person and likes nothing better than being given a power tool or household appliance as a gift for himself, or even something like socks or pants, so we've had to have a few conversations about how most people don't feel the same way and why those sorts of presents can make people feel quite under-appreciated and dull . Sometimes I take more of a lead on what to buy for special occasions for his family members as I just think I am a bit better than him at having creative or 'thoughtful' ideas (I put that last one in inverted commas because he actually put a lot of thought into some of his more notable 'misses' of gifts, took time to think about the gift recipient and their lives and how a new top of the range cleaning product or kitchen gadget would be really useful, then put plenty of research into getting them the very best one, it's just that many people don't really feel that a high-end iron or super-special router is what they've been missing from their lives all along😅). I don't see me helping him out with this as a problem or a sign of inequity in our relationship per se, there's plenty of things he's much better at than I am and does more of so it all evens out.

That being said like I say there are some shitty lazy men out there where it's not a case at all that they're incapable of buying their Mum a present or sorting out a birthday card for their wife, they can do it if they try, they just can't be bothered to try at all (and why should they, if their wife will just do it for them if they don't, they think). I guess you know which kind your DH is!

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Thanks @NoctuaAtheneI think you are right. He's def not the arsehole but yeh I need to be what feels to me really strict and rigid in order to ensure basic equality and it's all on me (don't get me started on the arguments we've had cos I didn't want to pay exactly half for holidays meals when he has double the drinks and an extra course!). Makes me furious, and dread to think what it's like for other women as he's generally reasonable, if lazy, and has really equal parents re domestic tasks. Or maybe he's not really reasonable. He does come around but why do I have to explain and argue at such lengths. Is that normal? Really seems like default is inequality and it takes real effort from both to redress that into equality.

I love the idea of your DH presents but maybe that's only in principle haha!

Yes good point about making allowances for people's weaknesses and strong points, it is very hard to tell with men sometimes what is socialisation/entitlement and what's personality/brain - I veer on the latter in principle but trying to be reasonable too as he is accepting of my quirks.

I feel so much more relaxed about the whole weekend now - thank you everyone. Ironically ill probably be nicer to be around too!

OP posts:

Original poster

LibbyOTV · 22/05/2025 17:09

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 17:03

Yes, but how would your in-laws know whether you have contributed financially to their present or not? They clearly view you as family, so I'd stop worrying about it.

Well that's true, they probably do, they are lovely and wouldn't want me who stress. I have a feeling though that I sometimes don't contribute enough/at all (ie. Getting the drinks if they buy the pub meal?!) but I'm not sure if that's just my anxiety. If I let DH decide though he'll always just take take take and I'm not comfortable with that, but maybe I need to let go of control on that!

OP posts:

usernametaken22 · 22/05/2025 17:13

I don’t get involved, I hate my in laws. DH stopped asking for my input when I suggested a gift of a one way ticket to Timbuktu for MIL one year. All gifts for both sides come out of joint finances though.

FourChimneys · 22/05/2025 17:14

DH either does his family, or forgets and they get nothing. Either way I don't get involved, I'm not close to them. Occasionally he asks if I'd like to sign a card.

I do my own family, they are my responsibility, not DHs.

My MIL was slightly put out by my attitude when we got married and once or twice got in touch to remind me it was somebody's birthday soon. "OK, great, I'll tell DH" soon sorted that.

Original poster

LibbyOTV · 22/05/2025 17:15

LibbyOTV · 22/05/2025 17:05

Thanks @NoctuaAtheneI think you are right. He's def not the arsehole but yeh I need to be what feels to me really strict and rigid in order to ensure basic equality and it's all on me (don't get me started on the arguments we've had cos I didn't want to pay exactly half for holidays meals when he has double the drinks and an extra course!). Makes me furious, and dread to think what it's like for other women as he's generally reasonable, if lazy, and has really equal parents re domestic tasks. Or maybe he's not really reasonable. He does come around but why do I have to explain and argue at such lengths. Is that normal? Really seems like default is inequality and it takes real effort from both to redress that into equality.

I love the idea of your DH presents but maybe that's only in principle haha!

Yes good point about making allowances for people's weaknesses and strong points, it is very hard to tell with men sometimes what is socialisation/entitlement and what's personality/brain - I veer on the latter in principle but trying to be reasonable too as he is accepting of my quirks.

I feel so much more relaxed about the whole weekend now - thank you everyone. Ironically ill probably be nicer to be around too!

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I very much meant here that I veer on the former

OP posts:

Communitywebbing · 22/05/2025 18:18

My DH chooses and pays for his family’s presents and vice versa. We both sign the card.

TorroFerney · 22/05/2025 18:35

You really are overthinking it. They pay because they want to not because they expect it back. Agree with all the others joint present bought by the person whose parent it is but signed from both parties.