I’ve changed my username, as combined with other posts it would definitely out me if someone I knew were to read this! I am a genuine user, I’ve been here for years (cancel the cheque, penis beaker, etc). This is likely to be a long post, I’ll try to shorten it where I can.
i have been married for 21 years. I have been unhappy for other half of that time, but felt trapped. I’ve posted on here before about my situation. My husband is emotionally abusive towards me. I don’t think he even realises he’s doing it if I’m truly honest. He’s just a bit of a twat. The first time I mentioned divorce, we had 2 young children and he promised me that he’d never try to take the kids from me. We worked through things, and for a while, things were better. We moved home, then a couple of years later had our 3rd child (not 100% planned, but one of those situations of, “if it happens it happens”).
Things slowly became worse. He’d already been nasty to me, had slowly cut off all my contact with my friends, etc but he just became awful. He’d yell at me constantly, calling me awful names. Tell me to fuck off and die. If we had an argument he would shut it down by making himself look big (he’s taller/bigger than me anyway but he’d puff his chest out, lean over into my personal space, that kind of thing) and yelling at me his opinion/say and that that was enough. The conversation was over. I could never, ever win an argument - but he’d turn that around by saying I always had to have the last word and saying “see” if I tried to actually hash the argument out. There were 2 occasions he was physical, both times he threw things at me to deliberately try to hurt me.
myself and our children always felt like we were walking on eggshells around him. This has been true for as long as I can remember, right til present day (although our middle son does call him out on it when he’s in a room with him). When he’s not there, the atmosphere is so much lighter and better - like dark clouds have cleared away revealing blue skies and sunshine.
10 years ago I finally got the confidence up to tell him it was over, I wanted a divorce and I moved out of the marital bed. He disagreed that we were unhappy. I get two different, local estate agents to value our house - I had found one I wanted to buy (a new build) and I needed to get the house on the market quickly to release the equity. He refused to accept the 2 quotes, despite being almost identical. He felt it should be considerably more and claimed he’d seen other houses like ours for this much, much higher value (he added on about 15% of the house’s actual value). He refused to sign the paperwork to put the house on the market. He spoke to a solicitor. All of a sudden, he decided that he wanted 50/50 residency for the kids. I knew for a fact he had no interest in the kids at all (although he probably told the solicitor how he was dad of the year and couldn’t stand to be apart) - he never, ever did anything with them, everything was always me. As a result they were all very close to me, and not to him (they were 9, 7 and 3 at the time). Our 7 year old also got his dad’s wrath - constantly being yelled at and I’d have to get in the middle so our son could hear someone stick up for him and he on his side (I suspected ASD & ADHD but was fighting a battle - it has since been confirmed). I also knew that he wanted to hurt me, and he knew that would do it. And finally knew his solicitor would have told him to push for 50/50 to avoid paying any maintenance. I couldn’t leave the kids with him 100% of the time when I couldn’t be there to protect them from his, so I dropped the subject and stayed. I took my rings off and stayed out of the bed.
fast forward 10 years to now. It’s been a long, miserable time for me. I realise I’ve wasted the best years of my life on him. I also realised he groomed me and took advantage of a trauma he knew I had to reel me in. I also suspect that his true interest/taste is 16-19 year old girls/women. This just makes me feel sick.
I need to leave him. My 19 and 17 year olds can obviously decide where they want to live. But my 13 year old, who has begged me to leave his dad so he never has to see him again is the one I worry about. They clash a lot. I suspect ADHD in this son too. I think that my husband is of the children should be seen and not heard brigade. He also believed in smacking as a punishment, I didn’t. Anyway - if I were to leave and my 13 year old said he wanted to live with me 100% of the time, is this likely to happen in other people’s experience? I can’t prove any of the emotional abuse over the years. It’s subtle enough to make me question if I’m just over reacting. Then it happens again and again and again. If my STBXH were awarded any sort of residency (I cannot see how he’d manage 50/50 as he has to work away a lot and it can be very random, often with short notice - and I don’t think that would be given if my son really doesn’t want it. But I do worry that they might go for EOW (weekend)) and my 13 year old really didn’t want to go - would I have to make him?
in terms of leaving I have an idea, but it annoyingly relies on my parents. Basically, I think I can get a mortgage for £150k based on my salary (if I factor in child maintenance it could be more, but conscious that would end in a few years so don’t want to use that in my calculations). The house I looked at 10 years ago is back on the market…. And vacant…. And just reduced in price to “offers above £300k”. Depending on which house appraisal I looked at online, we have anywhere between £250k - £300k equity. I would presume a 50/50 split. I want to ask my parents if they are in a position to, and if they wouldn’t mind, loaning me the difference as the deposit for the house. I would then repay them once the old house sold and my equity was released. The risk would be how long it could take to sell, and it could sell for less than we hope. This would mean I couldn’t afford to fully pay them back. So I would ask that they consider gifting me that difference in those circumstances, as an early inheritance amount (they’ve just done something like this for my sister - basically given her the difference between the mortgage amount and the house value as an early inheritance gift- which is what gave me the idea of even considering to ask them. I would need my name removing from the current mortgage (we are out of contract term). I have no reason to believe my husband wouldn’t be approved for the value of the mortgage left whilst it goes on the market. He refused to move out 10 years ago and as much as I always loved this house, it feels tainted now - I want to start afresh. I couldn’t afford to take the current mortgage on and pay him his share of the equity. And to increase the mortgage to pay him out would be higher than I could afford. I believe it would be the same the other way around, so we would have to sell - but I believe this would give us both the chance to buy somewhere new each.
Thanks for getting this far. I feel sick, scared, excited, daunted…. I don’t want to back out this time. I have booked a phone call with a local solicitor for this Wednesday to have my free consultation where hopefully I can get some guidance. We absolutely don’t have money to be arguing this with solicitors.
Does my plan about the house sound feasible? I may not be able to get this house (although it sort of feels like a sign - although I don’t think I can go over £300k so have to hope they’d accept that) but maybe another one using this plan. So much relies on my parents though - I’m terrified to ask them, of admitting I need help…. When I left home my mum told me to be sure because once I left there was no going back. If they aren’t in a position to help with the deposit, I do feel I need to get out whilst we try to sell. Being with him there all the time last time is what wore me down and got me to cave.
What do I need to be doing now? What are my next steps? When do I tell him I’m done for good? I want all my ducks firmly in a row and ready this time. I can’t afford to be paying rent and continuing to pay my current mortgage - I have to be sure that by leaving I won’t lose my share of the equity, even if I’m not paying anymore of the mortgage after that date. And I have to be sure he doesn’t decide to stop paying the mortgage just because my name is on there too and it would screw me over to lose the house like that (screw him over too but I could imagine him not caring).
Thank you and please be kind. There’s a lot I haven’t shared around the emotional abuse stuff, I’ve given a very top level line to illustrate the kind of environment we are in. I’m now going to bed as it’s gone 1am, I’m up in a few hours for work. I will try to check in during the day for any replies.
TLDR - I need to know how to get my ducks in a row and practical advice on how to actually leave! And will a 13 year old be forced to go to his dads if he doesn’t want to.