I don’t know if I’m happy in my marriage. Fee numb.

[RaspberryBanana]

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. I love him. But recently something isn’t right.

I feel so numb and exhausted by being with him. I enjoy being alone so much more. I like being with my dog and just doing my own thing. I’m extremely burnt out at work too so thinking that could be playing a part in this.

I feel like he’s constantly asking things of me. I don’t know if he actually is, or I’m just easily annoyed by him.

I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to cuddle. I don’t want to do anything.

It’s not just a case of leaving, either. We live abroad and I’m on his visa. We pay huge rent on our apartment and we’re in contract. I don’t have much in terms of savings. I struggle living in this city - which was his choice to live in.

I’m just so lost and sad. I used to be obsessed with him. Such a spark and so much excitement whenever I was with him. I know that doesn’t last forever but to go from that to this is unthinkable.

I’ve been up and down anout my feelings for him for a while. I haven’t told a soul because everyone loves us together and I am in denial.

Is this normal long term marriage stuff? I thought maybe I was depressed. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so sad.

is his communication style circular? are things you bring up ever fully discussed or does bringing up issues turn into endless discussions and nothing ever is resolved? is he very different to you in company of others and when it is the two of you? can you tell us more about the moments you feel particularly tiered? it might be worth reading up on covert narcissist abuse - it is very subtle , nearly impossible for friends and family to spot and as the person on the receiving end extremely difficult to see clearly. the numbness and exhaustion you feel lines up with being in a relationship with a covert narcissist, and also the feeling that you are not sure if it is about work or him - it is called fog.

Not much advice but you have my full empathy as I am in the same situation (minus the living abroad). Hopefully others can post some helpful tips soon. It’s such an exhausting situation to deal with and I often daydream about winning some money so I can escape easily

Sounds like you may be depressed tbh, all the symptoms your writing are a classic depression and from what you also say of work it sounds highly possible you need to see a dr

Has he done anything bad over the years that’s given you the permanent ick? Hard to come back from

How old are you? Could it be hormonal I.e. perimenopause or menopause?

I understand about the visa, but why does that mean you can’t leave and come back here? You don’t like it there and you want to be alone (with your dog). Doesn’t that make it easier to leave, in a way? Because you don’t even want to live there. When does the rental contract run out? Could you have that as a deadline to decide to stay or go then he can rent somewhere alone and you come back? At least for a trial separation to see if this is situational or not.

If you are a 'trailing spouse ' you will be depressed! Look it up. I was and it destroyed my marriage and nearly did for me.

It’s not normal in long term marriage. I’ve been married nearly thirty years and have never felt remotely like this. I look forward to seeing my husband every time he walks through the door at the end of the day. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Could you talk to him about how you feel.

Yes. 2 years ago I found something on his phone that I have struggled to come back from. Amongst other icky things like not looking after himself.

Not sure I could afford to leave and go back to the U.K. alone. My field of work pays 2-3x as much here.

I also feel so worried about if I left him, how he’d cope. And how my friends and family would react. I don’t want to make a fuss.

30 so I hope not!

I could've been you a year ago. Living in a crazy expensive city abroad on a spousal visa. I'll be honest, it ended my marriage. My H was so obsessed with work and it made him into someone I didnt like to me or my dc (not sure if you can relate but we moved for H's job and he got a huge pay rise and a massive ego to match. It was all about him, his wellbeing, his career, his moods.) I did eventually return to the UK and used what savings I had to start again. One cautionary tale I would say is that the blow to my income and overall financial security has been huge, and I also feel incredibly saddened by the culture shock of moving back as well as the loss of the once-good relationship with my H. I am still grappling with all this and I sometimes even question if I should have stayed despite the bad points. My earnings have gone 2 thirds lower, the job market is bad and the cost of living in the UK is really high right now. I'm not sure this is hopeful but I would really ask yourself before leaving and going it alone, if you still love your H as you say, could this be depression/could you manage a career change or even a short career break at all? See if it might help? Ironically I am now working very hard to move back abroad as I dont see a future in the UK for me and my dc that can compare. Just wanted to offer another persepctive.

Love how it’s instantly all his fault in your eyes. Could be any number of reasons but you of course jump straight to the DH as the cause.
could simply be burn out from OP job and she has no energy left for anything else.

Rubbish. I was a trailing spouse for many years and loved it. It works for some, not for others. I imagine OP has friends in a similer situation who like it.

Vomit.

Plenty of posters on any number of threads will tell you the sheen wears off a marriage after a while. But it sounds like something more of going on with OP here. Possibly OP are simply burnt out and numb to everything now. Suggest you take a big long break OP and see how you feel after you’ve recharged.

You've been with your husband since you're 20, so that's very young. Maybe you're questioning your future together, especially if you don't have children yet. Your work could well be playing a part here, but I'm more concerned about what you found on his phone. Sometimes it takes a while to really really think about the meaning or repercussions of something that you've noticed about someone.

@Sherararara Vomit? That was cynical to the point of rudeness or bitterness. Being happy and emotionally close to someone isn't something totally unrealistic or disgusting.

Your update is important. Your OP gives the impression that he’s blameless and you can’t understand why your feelings for this great guy have changed and you just want to chill with your dog. That’s why PPs were suggesting talking to your doctor about depression.

But then you explain that you “found something” on his phone and no longer find him physically attractive because he doesn’t look after himself, which means that your feelings are understandable tbh and don’t require that much unpicking.

What did you find on his phone, OP? That would really affect what I'd say to you.

Do you have children together? Do you want children? You’re only 30, you’re so young and could find someone else and start a family if that’s what you wanted. You got together at a very young age - maybe you’ve just grew out of eachother and realised you’re not compatible.

Not afford full stop or just not afford to maintain current lifestyle level? I wouldn't stay somewhere I'm unhappy just for the money if I wasn't tied there by kids. You know your field and the economics of it, but don't let yourself feel trapped and disempowered from changing your situation. I'm not saying you must leave, just keep open to possibilities or you could slide deeper into depression feeling like there's no way out when you do have options that might transform things.

You’re 30: do you want DC? If so, think very carefully before ttc in this marriage. It might well make sense to job seek to return to the UK.

It’s not your friends and families life it’s yours . Tell them if they like him so much they can share a bed with him the rest of their lives.

Are you friends and family in the uk ? You can rent a room back there and build your life back up your only 30 get out if you are miserable .

He doesn’t respect you he has had stuff on his phone and doesn’t lol after himself . This relationship has ran its course .
You want/need more/better

Absolutely this. Don't do things to please others or not make a fuss. Women have had to do that for centuries and we're very lucky to have choices now - to live our own lives and strive for our own fulfilment, not keep up appearances and subjugate our happiness to that of a man who's lost your respect and love. You must see how feeble and probably unfounded the idea that he won't 'cope' is. He's a grown man, he'd learn to cope and probably move on faster than you think. Don't throw your future away trying to keep him and your relatives happy. Why would they be happy anyway, keeping you in a life that made you like this? You're way too young to settle. I agree with a PP that you both got together too young and have changed and it's okay to accept that and not double-down. Perhaps get yourself some counselling out there so you can get perspective and start to feel more agency and hope.

Firstly, put out of your mind any idea he won’t cope. That is not a factor you should consider (you aren’t dumping a husband of 40 years as he is diagnosed with cancer), neither is your friends and family’s impressions.
There is a lot of detail lacking here.
What is the plan for the location you have moved to? Is it a short term stint to get opportunities or a long term deal?
Is the location a depressing situation (not liking it compared to home, or the isolation from friends and family)?
What was on the phone that upset you? Was it something that you can’t get over?
What is his view of him being out of shape? Is he just on a major drive at careers and intends to ease off and get back in to shape or is this now normal?
Is work burning you out? Was it better back home?

Whatever you do think carefully, it could be you are depressed and small changes will dramatically improve things. Alternatively it could be that things have just run their course, and you need to move on. It is worth knowing what you are dealing with before changing things.