Feeling deflated

[2018aajc]

Partner of almost a year is showing more and more controlling ways due to their insecurities. Almost every day a comment is made to me how he doesn’t trust me or women in general (due to past relationships) not down to me. And when he doesn’t get to see me he will randomly start an argument to which then blames me for cause he’s not happy so basically I need to be un happy too. Nothing like this if we are together only when we aren’t. It’s getting really draining now? It’s just not normal behaviour, I do snap back because I have never been in this situation before and I say to him you are coming across abusive, like for an example he got upset over something at the weekend turned it on me and then said I need to make him happy, I said this isn’t normal behaviour and he said so your not going to try and make it better? Anyone been in this situation, I am a very strong minded person and very head on so I don’t just accept it when he saids it I have to have my say too, there is other things also, that there isn’t many men that would want me cause I have a child from a previous relationship and basically I’m lucky! I’ve never in my life come across behaviour like this especially in a relationship and I’m just looking for some advise?

Red flags, you’ve already put up with way too much: stop dating him.

I know, I’ve just never come across this before as I said, and because I’m such an easy going person I just put it to the back of my mind and carry on, but somethings are just getting to much now,

The only advice is dump the teat and don’t waste your life treading on eggshells.

This will only go one way and that’s won’t be better.

What’s the reason you dont just finish it? Dating someone who makes you miserable seems a strange choice.

You are not responsible for HIS happiness, only your own and your child's. You know it's not normal behaviour although he will try and normalise it. Talking down to you to make you appear grateful, abhorrent behaviour. Massive red flags, distance yourself for a while, break it off. You and your child don't deserve to be treated so badly

I get everyone’s comment, as I said when we are together it’s great just when we are apart, I was only seeing if people had been in the same situation as me? And no there is no reason as to why I suppose, maybe cause I think it will get better, I don’t really know!

It sounds like it’s only going to get worse.

Please put your child first and don’t stay in a controlling relationship.

Every single thread on here where a woman says ‘when it’s good it’s great but’ then goes on to describe controlling, manipulative, abusive traits that they seem to tolerate because they get crumbs of good behaviour inbetween the twattery.

Controlling behaviour never gets better. Why would you stay with a man who has already stated the gaslighting?

Because at first it wasn’t like this at all, then after a while it started to tweak through but then I put it down to a lot of his insecurities and past, we don’t live together and I wouldn’t, like I say I haven’t ever been in a situation like this before and never really read up on controlling or gas lighting etc, as I’ve never really had too! Thank you for your comment though I appreciate the advice x

Basically he's trying to manipulate you to live with him. As your already saying it's great when together but when you arent it isnt.

Abusers always start nice, otherwise everyone would run for the hills. Once you’re hooked they start. People stay hoping it will go back to what it was. It doesn’t, often gets worse.

Google the boiling frog syndrome - it’s a classic tactic of control. It starts subtly and gradually then builds slowly so by the time the red flags appear, you’re trapped living with and/or having kids and it’s much harder to get out.

Are you really headstrong like you say you are? Come on OP surely you know it's not right. People will always be on best behaviour at the start and then slowly they show who they are.

If you want to read about others’ experiences there are a lot of threads about this including a good one entitled something like ‘listen up!’

He might have masked but it seems likely you dismissed red flags, so need to work on your ‘shark cage’

’Insecurities’ don’t excuse crappy behaviour (at best)

No I know! Exactly what I say to him

Just googled it as I had never heard of it and it’s quite scarily true!

Yes I am head strong, and tbh I’m 35 and only ever a couple of serious relationships and never with this sort of behaviour so it’s quite new to me hence why I was asking, as I’ve never come across a bloke with severe insecurities like he has and trust issues, but you live and learn and I’m learning and I know what to do just wanted any advice that was all x

This does not sound safe ,how old is your young one l would consider this carefully for you and your young one as well. Abuse comes in many forms ,sorry only thinking of you

No it’s okay, my little one is 8, but I must state he doesn’t have much involvement as when he usually goes to his dads that’s when I have my free time so that’s when I see him. And I completely understand what you are saying x

I can only think take things slowly untill you are certain your friend is safe to be with

Maybe - but I think it’s deeper than this: Sounds like when you’re not together, he feels out of control. So try imagining living together and he’s like this any time you want to do your own thing, see friends…..
I see red flags, either way. Be very careful

Run! Run! Run!

He feels comfortable and is starting to show coercive behaviours.

It is not your job to deal with his insecurities/ abuse. Just focus on what you want, and a man who brings you down like this is not worth it!

Sounds like my ex you are dating! You are with an Abussive narcassist (not using the word lightly ) you will eventually be worn down and he will destroy you.
End it now it will get much worse never better

How did you end up getting out of it? I know it is! X