Wives of Boarding School Survivors Support

[Allittakesisonegoodthingtohappen]

I have been with DH for nearly 15 years and have slowly begun to understand that my life is negatively impacted by the ptsd he has from being sent to boarding school aged 8.

He has been amenable to therapy over the years both individually and as a couple. They’ve helped, particularly the couples therapy and our arguing has really reduced thank goodness.

Something that’s muddied the waters somewhat is that I too have some level of trauma for different reasons from *childhood so sometimes our home can be a trigger fest.

I’d love to hear from people a bit further on with this than me.

His issues which he has to be fair worked on over the years:

•Hoarding
•Personal hygiene issues particularly teeth brushing/ hair washing and showering
•Not seeking medical help
•Withdrawing
•No get up and go or initiation
•Underachieving despite having Oxbridge degree
•Bad with money
•Non-verbal when I raise relationship issues
•Doesn’t initiate dates
•Doesn’t care about order/ cleanliness in home
•Won’t cook for me or learn how to
•Hates holidays
•Doesn’t engage with Christmas
•Anxious
•Can’t host
•Doesn’t nurture friendships
•Tech addiction
•Erectile dysfunction
•Anxiety / depression
•No boundaries when people mistreat him

Context* My dad raised my siblings and I alone as my mum left when we were babies due to having bad depression and he too was sent to boarding school when he was 6 and his family moved abroad!

Both my dad and DH are truly lovely men.

Obviously my whole life has been spent with men who are emotionally damaged by the experience of having their safety removed when they were children.

The problem is now as an adult that it takes me a long time to register that I’m living of meagre crumbs of affection and love because I’ve been raised by and emotionally absent or overly angry parent.

I’ve noticed that the less my DH talks to me about how he feels which is a lot if I don’t initiate, the more anxious I feel in his company. I walk on eggshells, try to stay jovial and under the radar because I can’t read how he’s feeling. One sigh from him from the next room kicks off my adrenaline.

This is obviously not relaxing. Silence in my relationships causes me to fill in the gaps with catastrophised presumptions. I know this isn’t healthy.

My workplace is full of passive aggressive and often overtly aggressive people situations from colleagues and managers and I’m kind of overwhelmed by a feeling of stress to the point I’ve taken my first ever sick day due to feeling very burnt out and anxious.

Has anyone managed to work their way out of feeling that their life is just characterised by your husband’s trauma?

Any tips on how to deal with it?

thank you.

I was not a Boarder nor am I married to one BUT I was a Day pupil at a Boarding school and still in touch with quite a few people. Most of the men are divorced so you are doing better than some.
Also, my Sdad and FIL were both sent to Boarding school at 7 and they were 2 of the most selfish men I ever met, they would literally hoard food and also eat anything even if it were borderline off, they were both also slightly questionable in their hygiene and very emotionally closed off.
I am sure Boarding schools have improved recently (I hope) but they were and still are very damaging, especially to men I think.
Bear Grylls speaks extensively on it

Married to someone who boarded from age 7. I don't recognise all the things you list. Are you sure you're not attributing other characteristics to boarding when they may have another cause?

My first husband went to a local comprehensive and had more of those issues that current DH.

Regardless.....you don't have to put up with any of it. It's not your job to fix him. Life sounds very hard. Have you considered how lovely you'd find life if you didn't have to deal with his neuroses?

That list is unlivable op , no matter the cause. Just untreated depression alone can make someone impossible to live with. (It was me once and I did have to get help).
The domestic parts of that list, like not cooking, not caring about mess, etc, I doubt are from past trauma. But whatever the cause you can't be expected to live like this or attribute it all to incurable past boarding. It's not a get out of everything free card that obligates the female partner to live like this!.

•Hoarding ~ We rent a house and one of the rooms has his piles of shit and I don’t allow any of it in the rest of the house.

•Personal hygiene issues particularly teeth brushing/ hair washing and showering - this is one of those where I have to give him a kick up the arse every few months when he slips back. I explain it turns me off thar he smells, hurts me that he doesn’t care and that I have to be his mum.
•Not seeking medical help - again, if I nag he does but this is not the role I want.
•Withdrawing - he’s better since we had therapy but each time he does it it blindsides me and I have to work through the rejection feelings I have. I get used to being on my own then he’s back oblivious to what’s just happened.
•No get up and go or initiation - any holiday, social event or party we’ve ever had has been organised by me.
•Underachieving despite having Oxbridge degree - says he wants time not money.
•Bad with money - brought just £150 in euros to France last summer a holiday I used my inheritance to pay for hotel and flights. He bought me dinner then told me he’d have to ring his parents to borrow money as he’d run out despite knowing about the holiday for a year.
•Non-verbal when I raise relationship issues
•Doesn’t initiate dates
•Doesn’t care about order/ cleanliness in home
•Won’t cook for me or learn how to -cooks pre prepared things for DC
•Hates holidays
•Doesn’t engage with Christmas
•Anxious
•Can’t host
•Doesn’t nurture friendships
•Tech addiction
•Erectile dysfunction
•Anxiety / depression
•No boundaries when people mistreat him

In what way is he lovely?!

You don't have to save him OP, you're entitled to your own life - and to find happiness!

He’s funny, intelligent, a lovely dad, aware of his flaws, willing to seek therapy, kind, empathetic when I’m unhappy.
He has changed a lot over the years, all changes I’ve asked for. I have hope.

He does lion’s share of child related stuff school runs, watsapp parent group, evening meals for DC, makes all packed lunches
etc.

He's just stuck in some ways and really needs to address his trauma head on.

Dear God, he sounds awful OP
I am not sure you can blame all that on Boarding school so many years later. Many of us have childhood trauma but its not a get out of Jail free card.
You say he has redeeming features but that would all be too much for me I'm afraid

I'm confused, my husband was packed off to boarding school at the age of 6 and has hardly any of the issues you mentioned. He is a loving, independent, well rounded alpha-male. I can't help thinking that he/you are using boarding school as an excuse for deeper issues, trust me i went to private school as a day pupil so i have known a lot of boarders and these issues are not a product of boarding school.

You’re trying to achieve your childhood dream of fixing your father with your husband. It won’t work.

Work on yourself. And plan for when the penny finally drops and you realise you don’t and can’t fix him and leave

This sounds more like undiagnosed ND to me than boarding school-related stuff.

Absolutely this!

I don’t recognise any of the traits youve listed at all. How come you attribute them to his abandonment as an 8 year old. They could be from other trauma and not being sent away. Genuinely curious.

This.
My DH never went to boarding school, but has/has had many of these traits listed and he's ND (diagnosed). His diagnoses has helped him to manage /change a lot of these traits.

Edit:just to say out of the 20 examples you listed in original post, DH had/has had 17, almost felt like I was reading about my DH

I'm a firm believer that the risk of damage from sending a child under 11 to boarding school is too high, but I agree that it does sound like there's some issues here that have nothing to do with boarding. Unless you'd include nobody at his school noticing that they existed?

Just seen your update, he does sound a really nice guy under all this. Don’t let him attribute it all to boarding school trauma though. He’s an adult now, time to fix it once and for all! He knows when his personal hygiene slips that it’s offensive and gross for example. He shouldn’t let that happen regardless of what happened dozens of years ago.! That’s just one example. Don’t let him off the hook

DH had his 8th birthday at school. I recognise literally Not One Thing from your list. So hacked off for everyone blaming boarding. Most of my male friends are also products of boarding schools and, similarly, have none of the problems you list. I am afraid that your husband would have had these issues no matter where he went to school.

I have an ex DH and new partner who both went to boarding school and have most of these traits/issues too. I can completely empathise OP.

I've read lots about boarding school syndrome and it really helps to understand it more. This book changed my whole understanding of their experience www.joyschaverien.com/boarding-school-syndrome-the-psychological-trauma-of-the-priviledged-child/

The ED and emotional dysfunction is most difficult to deal with in my current partner. He really can't open up his emotions at all or show any vulnerability. It's tough going at times.

Your husband sounds extremely similar to my fil- the list is uncannily similar. He is autistic. I have no idea if those characteristics can be caused through boarding school but it sounds very difficult to live with. I would look into neurodiversity.

My friend was sent to boarding school on his 7th birthday and told to be a man and not blub. Had his first beating within a week and had to shake the hand of the adult who administered it to thank him for correcting his ways.
He is unable to form any meaningful attachments, has no emotional empathy and despises what he sees as weakness. It did give him.a very successful military career so I suppose there's that.

I agree, some of these sound silly, like not being tidy and being addicted to their phone, surely this is most men?! Half of these my partner has and he didn’t go to boarding school

Also wife of a boarding school husband, who went from 11-18. There are a couple of things on the list I can relate to OP, but only a couple. Does sound like a lot to deal with!

ND is ruled out.

Does your FIL have a formal diagnosis of ASC or has everyone who knows him decided this?

I’m only asking because often when people only have a superficial understanding of spectrum conditions, they diagnose away without understanding how a developing brain is damaged by trauma and some symptoms of ptsd intersect with those of ASC. Like an acquired neurodivergence.

The Coventry Grid is pretty good, although now a little bit old fashioned, at identifying the subtle differences between attachment disorders and ASC.

DH has very high anxiety which he takes Sertraline for and it has helped our family life run better but has made his ED worse.

That’s really sad.
I feel so sorry for the way these early experiences turn out dysfunctional lonely men.
I hope boarding schools will be a thing of the past one day.

What a kind comment.

Thank you. Yes Joy’s work is amazing and very sad to hear she died last week.
Im going to buy Piers Cross’ film that he’s just released Boarding On Insanity to try and get more of an understanding.