Wives of Boarding School Survivors Support

[Allittakesisonegoodthingtohappen]

I have been with DH for nearly 15 years and have slowly begun to understand that my life is negatively impacted by the ptsd he has from being sent to boarding school aged 8.

He has been amenable to therapy over the years both individually and as a couple. They’ve helped, particularly the couples therapy and our arguing has really reduced thank goodness.

Something that’s muddied the waters somewhat is that I too have some level of trauma for different reasons from *childhood so sometimes our home can be a trigger fest.

I’d love to hear from people a bit further on with this than me.

His issues which he has to be fair worked on over the years:

•Hoarding
•Personal hygiene issues particularly teeth brushing/ hair washing and showering
•Not seeking medical help
•Withdrawing
•No get up and go or initiation
•Underachieving despite having Oxbridge degree
•Bad with money
•Non-verbal when I raise relationship issues
•Doesn’t initiate dates
•Doesn’t care about order/ cleanliness in home
•Won’t cook for me or learn how to
•Hates holidays
•Doesn’t engage with Christmas
•Anxious
•Can’t host
•Doesn’t nurture friendships
•Tech addiction
•Erectile dysfunction
•Anxiety / depression
•No boundaries when people mistreat him

Context* My dad raised my siblings and I alone as my mum left when we were babies due to having bad depression and he too was sent to boarding school when he was 6 and his family moved abroad!

Both my dad and DH are truly lovely men.

Obviously my whole life has been spent with men who are emotionally damaged by the experience of having their safety removed when they were children.

The problem is now as an adult that it takes me a long time to register that I’m living of meagre crumbs of affection and love because I’ve been raised by and emotionally absent or overly angry parent.

I’ve noticed that the less my DH talks to me about how he feels which is a lot if I don’t initiate, the more anxious I feel in his company. I walk on eggshells, try to stay jovial and under the radar because I can’t read how he’s feeling. One sigh from him from the next room kicks off my adrenaline.

This is obviously not relaxing. Silence in my relationships causes me to fill in the gaps with catastrophised presumptions. I know this isn’t healthy.

My workplace is full of passive aggressive and often overtly aggressive people situations from colleagues and managers and I’m kind of overwhelmed by a feeling of stress to the point I’ve taken my first ever sick day due to feeling very burnt out and anxious.

Has anyone managed to work their way out of feeling that their life is just characterised by your husband’s trauma?

Any tips on how to deal with it?

thank you.

OP, the BBC doc ‘The Making of Them’ is excellent. Heartbreaking but excellent. It’s on youtube / Vimeo.

Boarding school is the pits.

I believe he was severely child abused he will never tell you the full extent because he probably does not have the words and scared if he would be believed -poor man my heart really does go out to him. That is the first thing. For years I was so angry with my father and noticed a pattern in romantic relationships but then one day I understood its a scared frightened 7yr old. You just have to accept living in organised chaos or make plans to leave as thats how he was brought up its all a reflection of their mind all the dark corridors rooms full of junk or a house full of junk that falls down in the end. Hoarding is much more widely known in the USA as a direct example of child abuse and neglect there are forums that you can go on in the USA and learn all about it. Massive link with child abuse. He is displaying all the signs of severe abuse -physical, sexual and mental which he probably had at boarding school and probably half of it he cannot remember due to protective factors in the brain. I have witnessed it all first hand. Many boarders struggle to function. I noticed with mine -both friends, father and partner. They live with a quiet depression, self destruct, self harm, drive everyone away but then they are so vulnerable and clingy. Its like their insides are destroyed and they are a walking shell of a human. They can be so loving with their children they are effectively children its almost like they would be suited back at nursery -lets do messy play, play dough, biscuit making then tucked into bed with hot chocolate and literally rocked to sleep- its all so confusing. I totally agree it definitely can come across as an acquired neurodivergence as its a form of brain damage all the abuse that they either witnessed or experienced.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. All of these things have crossed my mind.
I have found that going to therapy with DH started off well really well with him feeling safe to share really shocking experiences of severe unsafety but as soon as my pain/ suffering was given a space by the process it was like he had no room for that.
My hurt, anger and resentment has just become a pill I’ve had to swallow and it’s left me thinking I’ll stop watering this dying plant.

I think you should start watering you. He will be fine and sounds like he is muddling along well enough. Take care of yourself and develop some interests outside of him and his issues.

agree - my husabnd went to a rough comp and has almost all of these issues

my huabdn has most of these. he went to a comprehensive school. my psychologist has suggested he should be screened for autism

my husband has a lot of these issues and didnt go to boarding school. it was too much for me and I went into psychosis from stress

my husabnd is the same. he didnt go to boarding school too. there was so little room in our marriage for any of my concerns or needs that I ended up in psychosis. and actually im the one with the horrific childhood trauma, I have 8/10 on the ACE scale and managed ot get a phd from an elite university dispute coming form poverty and a failing comp. I dint water me and I ended up losing absolutely everything I had worked for. I set myself on fire. please don do that. Do you mind me asking how bad the hoarding is?