Starting a relationship with a recent widower

[IslaSkywalker]

What would you think about starting a relationship with a man whose wife died giving birth to their stillborn baby six months earlier?

I would think he's not dealing with his grief and is in greed all. )very common). It's not a good idea

I wouldn't judge, grief is so individual and no one knows if he is ready or not except him.
Yes, it's a given he will be grieving and traumatised but it's his choice, OP you also have the choice if you want to get involved or not.
This has to be about what you want and how you will feel going forward, so be selfish and look out for yourself. But be mindful your feelings come first and it's not your job to 'rescue' anyone.

I don't think anyone who had suffered a loss of someone they loved deeply - parent, sibling, child, partner - would ask this question.

Yes grief is individual but what you describe isn't just grief from a death - it is major trauma. There is no way a person who has suffered that kind of loss in those circumstances will be ok and functioning after 6 months.

Your use of the word 'relationship' suggests that is what you think is on the cards and what you want.

It really won't be. Either he will be (subconsciously possibly) using you as a short term prop or you will find you become a part time therapist.

If you are capable of having a sexual relationship without emotional involvement, there could be something in it for you but otherwise, it is guaranteed you will be emotionally damaged by this in some way - most likely because you get emotionally involved with someone who is still primarily committed emotionally to his wife and deceased child.

Caution.

So sorry for his loss . After 6 months still grieving and will . But if you are happy and can give the relationship in the long term slowly for both of you as there is a lot to deal with . Our son lost his wife at 39 and meet a lady , he is married to her but the relationship was a slow one over 5 years so really it's up to you , both are in love fully but there are no children involved. All the best to you , after all you are an adult .

Six months if it was just a separation maybe.

That level of trauma is beyond horrifying, I imagine if he was present, he is likely still have nightmares and the impact will surely be huge.

He’s his own person and maybe having company and comfort is no bad thing but what does he say about it? Can’t be easy for him to introduce a new partner to his loved ones (and potentially his wife’s) so early on.

Isn't this really outing? It doesn't happen every week.

Agree with all of the posts above.
I know grief is a complex beast, but any emotionally mature individual in this situation would be thinking 'I might feel ready but its probably too soon so I'm going to hold off because I don't want to drag someone else into a complex situation'

I have to agree, my husband passed away suddenly six months ago and I'm nowhere near ready to think of dating, I'm far too emotional. This poor man has been through a terrible time but he needs to grieve first before starting a new relationship.

If they were in love and together and the baby was wanted etc etc then it seems way too soon.

But if it was an unplanned pregnancy, they weren’t actually together, or they were going to give it a go for the baby etc then maybe.

It doesn’t really tell me anything about the depth of his feelings, the depth of their relationship.

Has he been honest about his feelings or is he burying them? If he’s burying them they’ll come out in a big explosion sooner or later, and it’s better for you that you’re not around then.

I would think he was awful.

I'd probably keep it to myself but I'd really judge someone who could move on that quick. Causal sex as a distraction would be easier to understand.

It's not hypothetical and I'm not a troll. It's a man who comes to the pub where I go quizzing. People know him and his story. He's only asked if I'm going to be there next Thursday for a chat but I want to be prepared if he asks me out.

Bad idea

Not a chance would I go there romantically. That is a horrific loss and recent.

Agree with all of this. This is a huge, unexpected, unusual trauma. Very damaging and he needs to work it all out in therapy, not start another relationship.

poor poor man, he’s clearly lonely

"Although some people do move on quickly, as if getting another hamster."

Yep, and those people are almost always men.

I know a widow in her mid sixties who has met and become engaged to a man whose wife died in the last twelve months. Same repeat that he is newly bereaved and applaud them whole others find it disrespectful and selfish.

I know a widow in her mid sixties who has met and become engaged to a man whose wife died in the last twelve months. Same repeat that he is newly bereaved and applaud them whole others find it disrespectful and selfish.

There are a lot of important differences between this situation and the widower in OPs situation. Like I said, what is described is a double loss of major trauma probably where his wife was of a younger age. In the context of grief there is a big difference between even 6 months and 12 months.

No. I would steer clear for the time being. He is still grieving and it might also be a case of not wanting to be on his own. A friend of mine got involved with someone 6 months after his wife died, and it was almost like 'anyone who is willing to get involved right now, will do'.

This really changes things. He obviously likes you but doesn’t mean he’s ready to dive into a new relationship, as the original post made us think.

The poor man is probably still in deep shock and not in a place to be making decisions about starting a new relationship. I’d think it very strange of a woman to want to start a relationship with a man in this position. It’s way way too early.

I got with DH 4 years after he lost his wife. I’d avoid this man if I was you

Avoid!

My partner of 4 years was 6 months post losing his wife. She’d had terminal cancer for 2 years and they had family therapy and she’d given him the green light to move on.

I didn’t meet the kids for a year but it was still a hard start to a relationship. It’s all fine and lovely but I absolutely would not fit near a widower who lost their partner and child at the same time. That’s an epic trauma.

He also invited me to a football match he was playing in a few weeks ago but I said I'm not interested in football but I'd see him in the pub. I think I might have encouraged it.