Am I wrong for feeling let down?

[PawsAndReflection]

I recently held a landmark birthday party for my SO with all his friends and family, which went off (largely) without a hitch.

However, a couple who we are both very good friends with (he went to uni with the husband, and the wife is my best friend) are currently going through a divorce. It’s largely amicable, however, the husband has started drinking quite a bit more and can get very aggressive. He’s 6”4, loud and quite broad. He’s also quite traditional when it comes to gender roles, but this only ever seems to be picked up by women and not the men in his life.

I’ve always had an odd relationship with the husband, I’ve tried to get on with him and always thought that we did quite well but there have been times when I pulled him up for how he’s spoken to me or his wife, particularly when we went on holiday with them last year. However, by and large I considered him a friend- we have a lot in common and have had some great times together.

As soon as the couple arrived with the party, he started drinking quite heavily and being quite loud and obnoxious to other guests. I was doing the rounds and making sure everyone had enough food/ drink and when I approached his table to check in on them, he turned to me, told me to “fuck off” and with both hands shoved me so hard I almost lost my footing. Only a couple of people saw this and checked if I was okay, meanwhile, he had already turned his back on me to continue his conversation.

I was so taken aback I didn’t mention it to my partner until we got home later and I was a little disappointed at his reaction. He said obviously, it was completely out of order, but “he’s going through a divorce, his mum just died, et cetera”. I said there was no excuse, and I could have been seriously hurt and if he wasn’t going to raise it with his friend then I would, as I deserved an apology.

My SO has always been my biggest champion and is a wonderful person, however I know he really struggles with confrontation. It’s now been two weeks and he’s yet to do anything with it, I’m assuming he’s hoping he’ll just go away but the longer it goes on the worse I feel.

Last night I told him his response showed how he’s prioritising his friendship over me, and that if he’d just dealt with it immediately then we would have already moved on. But I’m still not convinced he even gets my perspective on this, and it’s really making me rethink our relationship for the first time in a very long time.

I’m at my wits end with it, and the fact I’m even having to ask him is giving me a case of the ick- what the fuck do I do?

Why does he have to do anything about this for you? It seems like you would like gender role to be put into place now, but you yourself can express your lack of acceptance over what happened as an adult. I understand that you want support from your partner but I dont see why this has to be his fight.

Personally, I would be inclined to ignore it, and put it down to the booze.

But, OP, why do you need your partner to ride into battle for you? You present as an articulate, competent woman so, if you require an apology, surely you are capable of asking for this yourself?
I don't see how it involves your partner.

if he wasn’t going to raise it with his friend then I would

that if he’d just dealt with it immediately then we would have already moved on.

It’s now been two weeks and he’s yet to do anything with it

You said you’d raise it if your partner didn’t. He hasn’t, so why haven’t you? You avoided confrontation at the party and he’s avoiding it now. The man should have been removed from the party immediately, but I do agree your DP seems wholly unbothered that you were physically shoved by another man. I would feel quite disappointed by that.

Also - who was the man having a conversation with, and who witnessed him shoving you? Nobody in this situation, you included, has done anything. It’s a bit bizarre.

Your issue and your conversation to have. Leave your SO out of it.

I feel like a complete idiot- you’re all completely right. I’ve been trying to not blow it out of context but actually I’m not in the wrong here.

I think it’s come from personally feeling intimidated by him since it happened, and feel disgusted at the thought of seeing/speaking so I’ve absolutely put it on my SO to address when in fact I’m more than capable of doing it myself.

Time to get a grip I think.

Well, firstly this wanker should have been booted out the moment it happened.

Secondly, has your partner seen or spoken to this bellend since the party?- is he acting as if nothing has happened because if he is and has spoken to him then yes, I would be furious with him if so.

I agree that YOU need to challenge him on it yourself but equally, your partner needs to back you up with that. It's a bit pointless if you challenge him whilst your partner is socialising with him, acting like nothing has happened - thats not very loyal at all. You are his wife and should come before some stupid drunk friend

I understand OP. Sometimes we need our partner's support, especially if something has happened that has caused hurt and upset.

I had a partner like this - very conflict avoidant and just basically never put me first or stood up for me (not that I expect a man to fight my battles! But if our partner isn't there to back us up and show support, what is the point of being with them?)

I think you should let him know that you'd like some support from him and see what he does. If he buries his head in the sand, reach out to the man who pushed you and demand an apology.

If it were me, after an incident like that I'd be avoiding socialising with this guy - he sounds horrible. And what if it's more than a push next time? I'd also be making it clear to your DP that he should support you in that decision too.

Hope you're ok OP.

Your SO's misogynist buddy physically assaulted you and your husband is OK with that?

I would not be ok with the friend or your SO being ok with him shoving you around.

I wouldn't want an apology. I would refuse to be around him. Ever. I can't believe your SO still would hang out with a guy who attacked his partner. He's 6'4". He could have done significant damage to you.

Someone pushed me once in front of my husband and he went into combat veteran mode before the cops could even react.

And, if I were you, I’d be telling my DP that I’d not be meeting up with this bloke again. Enough’s enough.

I think other posters' reactions are wrong and completely minimising what happened, tbh. Your partner should be backing you and supporting you.

I disagree with many of these posts. It's not about your husband riding in like a white knight to fight your battles for you. It's about the fact that his friend verbally abused you and physically assaulted you at a party and he is making EXCUSES for it. I mean, really?- this guy shoves his wife and he's making out like "oh poor old Dave, it's not his fault, he's upset blah blah blah". WTAF? so that makes it ok for his to assault his wife is it?

No- your husband is fcking way out of line here. I would be disgusted if I was assaulted at a party and my husband acted like it was no big deal. Its gross.

Thanks, I’ve been super clear on this- I feel physically sick at the thought off seeing him.

If a man gets physical with me damn right my DH would step in. This times 100 if it was HIS FRIEND! I think it would be stupid for you to confront a man that had just pushed you for no reason, who knows what he would do next?!
I would've expected DH to get him to leave immediately after touching me and to have serious words with him the next day to see if the friendship can survive.

I was in a similar situation with my ex's friend. I refused to ever see him again and he had 'only' been verbally threatening to me, not physical. My ex's refusal to address it with his friend was one of the many, many nails in the coffin of the relationship. I'm surprised so many of the early responses on here are saying that you shouldn't expect your partner to say anything.

Tbh you should have addressed it at the time but I also think your partner should at the very least told his mate how upset you are at being verbally and physically abused by him. I can see why you are disappointed - I would not be happy with this kind of aggressive behaviour being ignored and minimised

Agree

It was a horrible and frightening assault, OP, but I think you’re partly projecting onto your partner your disappointment with yourself for not reacting and addressing it at the time, and/or for having been friends with someone this violent and aggressive.

What a pair of pricks. Both the guy & your partner.

For context, dunno if it matters but I'm a bloke, no way would I have let friend get away with this. He'd have been dragged out the party instantly.

However you should have reacted then & there, if I'd ever acted like that to a woman I'd bloody expect repercussions, a swift kick in the plums at the least. Or at the very least you going utterly shouty mad.

A female friend had a sort of similar occurrence at a bbq party, although the guy was more coming on to her & getting more sleezy as the booze flowed. Her wet lettuce of a partner did nothing, she handled it but shouldn't have had to, they split soon after. She had zero respect for him after that.

From my observations over the years, I think a lot of men avoid confrontation like the plague and are actually quite cowardly, when it boils down to it.

That doesn’t help you though, and I completely see why you feel utterly let down and disappointed in him.

It doesn’t show both of you as a strong united front sadly.

I’m sorry but where are the men that would back you up 109% I’ve got a partner who’s just seen me like for example one time I’ve pulled out at the wrong time and cut someone up who then beeped. My partner made it known he was there and said absolutely not happening even if you’re wrong even when people are beeping and speeding past me for doing speed limit he tells them to fuck off as they pass through the window or what ever. A man nearly took me out once while on a bike and I was on the edge of a path and he still stuck up for me. My point is it’s absolutely the mans job to stand in for his partner and address it and say something. It’s normal!

I mean I know pulling out by accident an inch which is all it was is wrong I just mean a man intimidating a woman etc my examples aren’t that great but men have tried to give me shit before and he’s had none of it even if I was wrong he won’t allow it and that’s how it should be

Your DH should be furious his friend laid hands on his wife. Partners protect one another. He instead seems to think its okay that his friend assaulted you. He is minimizing it and it is clear he is putting his friend first. How absolutely disgusting of him.

he laid hands on her but she should just ignore it. Good one!

and she isn’t asking her husband to battle this for her, but her husband should be explaining that he cannot continue with the friendship without the other party apologising to the wife and putting it right.

He said and did this when you had said nothing at all to him?

You have been assaulted! It’s absolutely shocking. You sre now afraid of him, and rightfully so. He is a violent, drunken bully, and that should be the end of the friendship full stop.

Your dh sounds weak and pathetic, not wonderful! He should be appalled that this has happened to you, and his indifference is a bloody red flag in itself. Is it okay in their world for men to push women and speak to them in such a manner?

No wonder he is getting divorced! I am sure there is a big back story to that particular separation given his behaviour.

In your position I would never see or speak to this thug again. Your dh needs to distance himself, and tell his friend why. It would be a cold day in hell before my dh would ever put up with this! Divorce and a family death are just poor excuses. .
You have every right to be upset, and I hope you are okay.