Am I wrong for feeling let down?

[PawsAndReflection]

I recently held a landmark birthday party for my SO with all his friends and family, which went off (largely) without a hitch.

However, a couple who we are both very good friends with (he went to uni with the husband, and the wife is my best friend) are currently going through a divorce. It’s largely amicable, however, the husband has started drinking quite a bit more and can get very aggressive. He’s 6”4, loud and quite broad. He’s also quite traditional when it comes to gender roles, but this only ever seems to be picked up by women and not the men in his life.

I’ve always had an odd relationship with the husband, I’ve tried to get on with him and always thought that we did quite well but there have been times when I pulled him up for how he’s spoken to me or his wife, particularly when we went on holiday with them last year. However, by and large I considered him a friend- we have a lot in common and have had some great times together.

As soon as the couple arrived with the party, he started drinking quite heavily and being quite loud and obnoxious to other guests. I was doing the rounds and making sure everyone had enough food/ drink and when I approached his table to check in on them, he turned to me, told me to “fuck off” and with both hands shoved me so hard I almost lost my footing. Only a couple of people saw this and checked if I was okay, meanwhile, he had already turned his back on me to continue his conversation.

I was so taken aback I didn’t mention it to my partner until we got home later and I was a little disappointed at his reaction. He said obviously, it was completely out of order, but “he’s going through a divorce, his mum just died, et cetera”. I said there was no excuse, and I could have been seriously hurt and if he wasn’t going to raise it with his friend then I would, as I deserved an apology.

My SO has always been my biggest champion and is a wonderful person, however I know he really struggles with confrontation. It’s now been two weeks and he’s yet to do anything with it, I’m assuming he’s hoping he’ll just go away but the longer it goes on the worse I feel.

Last night I told him his response showed how he’s prioritising his friendship over me, and that if he’d just dealt with it immediately then we would have already moved on. But I’m still not convinced he even gets my perspective on this, and it’s really making me rethink our relationship for the first time in a very long time.

I’m at my wits end with it, and the fact I’m even having to ask him is giving me a case of the ick- what the fuck do I do?

OP, your DH is indicating by his desire to get over this that violence against women is acceptable. I am not sure how you can live with that. I couldn't, it would be a deal breaker for me. This is past his excuse of oh my friend was drinking and is having a rough time. He physically assaulted you. Perhaps you should report it to the authorities so they both understand how grave this is. I wonder what his soon to be ex wife thought of all this when you told her.

Is he intimidated ot afraid of this friend?

I’m surprised at the responses. I don’t want or need a man to “ride into battle” for me, but I do expect some loyalty and principle. I would not let it lie if a friend of mine abused my DH, and I expect the same from him. It’s the bare minimum tbh.

Yeah, I’ve seen a lot of this with men - and it doesn’t usually improve.

I’m not sure you can count on your partner, OP, when it really matters. What if the ‘friend’ had shoved you harder and you’d been really hurt…

Also, you’ve presumably not received any sort of apology from the friend? If you had, there might be an easier way to navigate this. Sorry, no advice, but it doesn’t seem to bode well for the future.

And god alone knows why some PPs think you should square up to this physically abusive, gorilla of a bloke!

The men in my family (past and present) would 'ride into battle for me' , even after I'd dealt with the prick in the moment. I'd also ride for them. That's what we do.

I can only imagine you were more intimidated than usual, as others saw you get assaulted and did nothing; and now your partner has accepted that his friend has assaulted you, and again, no-one bats an eyelid.
That would put me right off him ☹️

Could there be a reason why he doesn’t want to confront this friend? Other than maybe being intimidated by his size?

Yes, I wonder what exactly he’s dependent on this friend for, so much so that he doesn’t want to rock the boat over a physical assault on his partner?

Exactly and did all those posters miss that he wasnt just not doing anything - he was making excuses for this dickhead. He was literally justifying the assault on the OP

I wouldn't even treat a friend that way, let alone a life partner!

I would beep at you if you nearly caused an accident as well - man with you or not. I’ve beeped at men who have nearly driven into me.

You shouldn’t be pulling into traffic and expecting no consequences and your partner shouldn’t be defending you if you’re hugely in the wrong, so wrong you could kill someone.

Sounds like you shouldn’t be driving to me. Yes, we all make mistakes and sometimes deserve to be beeped at. I wouldn’t send my husband in wielding a sword 🤣🤣

He should have been kicked out of the party. Then if he doesn't apologise forget him.

I think your husband's reaction is hugely disappointing.

All he needed to do was set a boundary: we don't swear at or out our hands on people in this house. Time to go.

He doesn't need to "confront" him, just let him know what he did was unacceptable.

Your SO is a spineless prick OP. Totally understand why you would freeze after being aggressively assaulted by a huge, drunken bloke. This is our innate protective instinct kicking in (flight, fight, freeze, fawn). Most women in this situation would instinctively go into flight, freeze or fawn. Some men would too…but many react with the fight response.

I would be incredibly disappointed in my partner if they showed the lack of ANY response to support me…I would at the very least expect that they ‘fawned’ to try and calm the bloke down and remove him. Your partner did fuck all! What a dick 🤷‍♀️

Have you decided what you are going to do?

Edited for missing word for context.

He pushed you so hard you nearly fell over. That’s assault!

Tbh I understand you freezing at this point, it’s scary when things like this happen. A lot of us think we’d stand up for ourselves. But in the moment it can be very scary (and also embarrassing). I’d be really disappointed in my friend and family who didn’t step in. I do know my DH would have stepped in if it had been me (a similar thing happened years ago, and he did). I’m not surprised you now see your DH in a different light. Some people are such people pleasers and don’t want to make a scene, they simply won’t stand up for themselves or their family. This is what bully’s rely on, people not wanting to ‘make a scene’, so they know they will get away with shitty behaviour. He who shout loudest and all that.

in future id refuse to be in the same room as this man, even if it means you miss out on social events or upset hosts. I’d also make it quite clear to the host the reason you won’t attend: as for your dh, all depends if you can get past this. Would he be happy to see his dc being treated like this?

trust me I was in a place I’d never driven before in London it was rough and I’m never driving London again believe me 😂😂😂😂 and this man doesn’t need no encouragement he’s there to wield his sword at any given moment which is quite annoying i must say but he doesn’t let a man intimidate me 😂🤣

There is one very good reason why decent men should always speak up when they see other men abusing women, whether they are assaulting them, intimidating them verbally or any other misogynistic behaviour; regardless of their relationship to the woman. That is because the only chance of men like that ever considering whether their behaviour is unacceptable or not is if other men tell them it isn't. Being constantly shamed by decent men may not erase their deep seated disregard for women but it will make them less likely to act on it and be seen as the cowardly freaks they are.

They never have and never will be influenced by anything women say or do because they have absolutely no respect for women, what they think or how they feel. They do not care what we think. But they do care what other men think. And our angry, hurt reactions feed straight into their purpose. They want us to be angry and hurt. They get a thrill from it.

It is galling that women cannot tackle misogyny on our own but looking to decent men to speak up isn't looking for a white knight, it is pragmatic.

Thank you, this makes me feel a little less crappy.

Update for everyone, I called him and turns out my SO had called him a couple of hours earlier to give him a dressing down and the guy had zero memory of it and was super apologetic- he said because he’d blacked out that night he’s stopped drinking and when he apologised (profusely) he was clearly a little emotional. I told him he shouldn’t drink if that’s how he behaved and I appreciated the apology, (the reason I was the one to call first was because he was waiting to get home and to be fair I called him around 2pm).

Im relieved this is over but will be keeping an eye on him in future, and I don’t think our relationship will be the same again for quite a while (mine and my friends STBXH) but I’m glad my SO took the initiative…finally. It’s definitely changed my view on my SO a little but there are other factors at play so I’m hoping it’s a one off, as I said he’s usually the first one to take umbrage at any kind of slight against me.

Thanks for all the helpful and sometimes entertaining input, it genuinely really helped me get my thoughts in order.

I would say one thing- it’s very easy to read one of these threads and type out a cruel or dismissive response which you then forget about, but there are real people posting here who are looking for support, and they don’t or can’t always communicate as directly as you. So please just take a second before you post and consider if you’re just about to make someone in a bad situation feel worse, before you press send.

That person physically and verbally assaulted you, in your own home, and your SO is defending him? You not only have a "friend" problem, you have an SO problem. You are completely justified in being upset, but I would take a break from the "friend" AND the SO, considering violence against women seems acceptable to them. Yikes.

Did you read the whole thread?