Friend told me to go away

[Lizzbear]

Hi everybody
looking for advice really.
A friend I’ve had for a few years had become hard to contact. So, I sent her a few messages asking if she was alright and if she wanted to meet up for a walk. We used to go for long walks and have chats about our lives and problems. We’ve both experienced issues with alcohol and I’ve been very supportive as I gave up drinking 7 years ago.
She said she wasn’t able to be there for me anymore and asked me not to rely on her as she’s not in a good place herself. says she needs time to do things alone.
I agreed to give her some space.
the following evening she rang me up, said some hurtful things along the lines of “we don’t have anything in common apart from out addiction “.
But it was ok and we said we’d be in touch with one another.
I woke up the next morning to this message
”I don’t want friends anymore, not just you, anyone. Please go away”, and she’s blocked me.
I feel so hurt and bewildered. We did a lot of shopping in charity shops, walking and coffees together and I’m really not good with this kind of rejection. Nobody in my family seems to understand why I’m so upset.
What would you do in this situation?

Honestly OP, I read that as being less about you and more about her not being well in herself. There may or not be a friendship here, but what's clear is that she's struggling.

Leave her alone. She's having a bad time and doesn't have the ability to deal with/talk to you. Stop making it about yourself but give her space. I know you feel hurt but she's obviously either back drinking or very depressed. Don't send her a message but think about whether you want to keep the door open or not for this relationship

It sounds like your friend is in a really bad place herself right now. Possibly struggling with her addiction? She had literally told you that she doesn’t want to see anyone right now “it’s not just you”.

With respect, why are you making this all about you? Why not acknowledge that your friend is struggling and for whatever reason is not able to be sociable right now.

Thanks for your replies. It’s definitely more about her and I am making it about me. I need to let it go now. Just don’t like how bruised it’s made me feel

I agree with what has already been said. This is clearly not about you or anything you’ve done. Keep the door open if you want, but don’t hold onto any hurt.

I agree it's not about you.

But I would not be backing off. She sounds like she really needs you right now. Even though she doesn't realise it

Of course it’s not nice when someone says they don’t want to be friends. That’s a normal reaction. But you should be more worried about her, not about how you feel.

It sounds like she is in a really bad place or wants to move on from that aspect of her life.

Yes. I was worried about her state of mind. As she blocked me I posted a note through her door saying I’m here if she needs me.
Also contacted a friend of hers who is worried about her. But, I’ll have to leave it for now as she has got other people in her life she can see

I'd respect her wishes, much as I understand your feeling hurt.
Edit - just seen your update. I think that was the correct response.

I think you have to leave her alone now . Just get some updates from her other friend if you’re worried about her.

This is her issue. Not you. I had a similar thing ( not addiction part, we had other issues in common) and I really thought our friendship was going somewhere and one day she calls me up saying she has too many friends and that I need to look elsewhere. I just completely broke up the contact as I'm not valued to her. Was very sad at the time. Her mental health is an issue.

Pink flower
That sounds hard. Sorry about that. Thanks for the solidarity

That screams she’s very depressed, that’s what people do they lock themselves away maybe possible that she’s relapsed?
Its not about you op - this is a completely her thing. Try not to take it to heart.

I think you've done the right thing with the note. She sounds really unwell or in a very bad place. I wouldn't contact her again though. The note sounds perfect

She told you to leave her alone and then you posted a note through her door. Perhaps she really doesn’t want you in her life. I have a friend who turns everything and makes it about her. Any problem anyone has, hers are worse. She has an opinion about everything and gives advice about things she knows nothing about. She recently told me that one of her oldest friends had asked her to not contact her anymore as her friend said that she always felt worse after they spoke. I wish I could be so brave and do the same. Respect your friend’s request and leave her be.

Sadly sometimes people's reaction to their own struggles is to push others away. It sounds like that's what she's doing. She's pushing you away. She might think it's easier for her not to have to friendships right now, maybe it's just too much and she's in a state of overwhelm. I know it's hurtful to you, but she's not in the same place you are and so she won't be thinking as clearly and thoughtfully, she's maybe not capable of that right now and so has been rather blunt about it all.

I think take a big step back and try not to take this personally, because it's really about her and how's she's chosen to deal with this difficult time.

She has been clear and concise and you've went against her wishes by showing up at her home and posting a note through her door and contacting other people who know her.

This level of intrusion, despite her wishes, is probably why she's ended the friendship.

It doesn't mean she's depressed or anything else, some people just can't do/don't want friendships, and that's absolutely OK.

No means no.

You need to talk to your therapist about rejection as this has affected you so badly

leave her alone , you have done enough to be a good friend but your sobriety and over keenness to help must be really pushing her buttons right now

can you direct some of this keenest to help on volunteering or AA ? You sound like a lovely person who has lots to offer other who are ready to be helped

My ex was an alcoholic and depressed and said terrible things to me. I think they lash out at those they are closest to . Don’t take it personally OP . Give her space and hopefully she will be back when she is in a better place . She can only help herself x

You need to respect her wishes.

If someone tells you very clearly to go away and leave them alone and blocks you, DO NOT put notes through their door and DO NOT try to reach her through other people. She has told you she wants nothing to do with you.

Yes, it is upsetting to be ditched by a friend, but if you care about her state of mind, don’t stress her out any further by harassing her. When someone tells you clearly to leave them alone and blocks you, it becomes harassment if you keep trying to contact them. It will not help her mental health to have you pushing for contact that she doesn’t want.

Yes, she may well be struggling with her mental health but she was actually very clear with you that she doesn’t feel you have much in common and doesn’t want to be pestered to go for walks etc. It is hurtful and yes, it’s understandable that you’re upset, but nobody has any entitlement to another person’s friendship. Sometimes people just don’t want to be friends, and that is absolutely their right.

No. This is really bad advice.

Seriously, when you are told clearly to back off by someone who has bluntly informed you that they feel suffocated and stressed out by your attention, you need to respect their wishes and leave them alone. The OP’s friend has told her, more than once, that she’s had enough of this friendship. The OP will not improve her mental health by ignoring her request for space.

I have been in the position of the OP’s friend before, with someone who decided I must need them and refused to back off despite me telling them very clearly to leave me alone. It was incredibly stressful and absolutely not good for my mental health. Not everybody wants or needs people around them when they’re having a bad time. What I needed was some peace and solitude and to be away from people and well-meaning notes from someone whose friendship I had told her I didn’t want were unbelievably stressful to receive.

ItGhoul
thanks for your post. It’s not good for anyone’s mental health when a friend is so out of character. This never happened before, so as well as being hurt, I was worried about her state of mind. Saying she didn’t want to”any” friends. She’s previously attempted to take her own life.
However, I agree that I need to leave her alone. As I’m obviously suffocating her, by trying to have our normal friendship. Because she’s going through changes. She’s move (she didn’t want to) and needs alone time.

I would suspect she’s had a massive backsliding in alcohol terms and doesn’t want anyone to know.

Chocolate. She hasn’t actually stopped drinking. She was drinking when she messaged me. But nothing since. I happen to know she’s ok as spoke to her other friend