Friend told me to go away

[Lizzbear]

Hi everybody
looking for advice really.
A friend I’ve had for a few years had become hard to contact. So, I sent her a few messages asking if she was alright and if she wanted to meet up for a walk. We used to go for long walks and have chats about our lives and problems. We’ve both experienced issues with alcohol and I’ve been very supportive as I gave up drinking 7 years ago.
She said she wasn’t able to be there for me anymore and asked me not to rely on her as she’s not in a good place herself. says she needs time to do things alone.
I agreed to give her some space.
the following evening she rang me up, said some hurtful things along the lines of “we don’t have anything in common apart from out addiction “.
But it was ok and we said we’d be in touch with one another.
I woke up the next morning to this message
”I don’t want friends anymore, not just you, anyone. Please go away”, and she’s blocked me.
I feel so hurt and bewildered. We did a lot of shopping in charity shops, walking and coffees together and I’m really not good with this kind of rejection. Nobody in my family seems to understand why I’m so upset.
What would you do in this situation?

Don’t do this.

Rejection does hurt, but I think you need to respect her wishes on this one.

If you are sober and she is not then you just aren’t well matched as friends even if you both tolerated the mismatch for some time. Stop obsessing anout her. She choses not to be friends with you and you have to accept it.

Unfortunately it sounds like her problems with alcohol (and everything that goes along with that) are worsening. As you will know an alcoholic's primary relationship is with the drink and unfortunately people - including people you really love - get pushed out of the way. It sounds like she is not coping, is isolating and things are getting worse. I don't think you can do anything right now apart from what you have already done.

Thanks everyone for your input. I have read all the posts and they really have helped me to see that I must to accept that I need to move on. And not contact her. I just needed a bit of guidance from people outside the situation. Also, I’m looking into therapy for my rejection sensitivity around close friendships.

You sound like a lovely caring friend. You’re bound to feel hurt but respect her wishes and don’t be hard on yourself x

Thanks Sunflower Ted

I’m not surprised you were hurt, but you really have done your best 💐 It’s her loss.

Some people seem unessescarily blunt in their responses. Yes obviously you don't hound someone that asks you to go away but a long time freind with serious mh issues says they can't be freinds with anyone very suddenly. Yeah nah. Any type of freind doesn't just turn round without a second thought and leave them to it.

I think the note was perfect. Youre there. No hard feelings. If things turn round for her. Thats precious.

No. I'd block her Avoid her. Abide by her words. But keep proof of her word as people like this are often likely to blame you in the future. Prove you can elect her requests.

Now move on.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I've also lost an old and very close friend after being pushed away due to mental health problems. I tried to fix it and ended up getting blocked.

It wasn't that long ago and it is still causing me some stress. You know, rumination when I'm trying to sleep kind of thing. So I get how much this must be bothering you. I also feel very rejected and hurt.

I sent a message through an app just to say that I'd like to repair things, but I didn't hear anything back. I suppose we just have to accept that we've lost our friend, unfortunately. It's sad.

Sending you a big hug xx

If you are looking at counselling because you think you are over sensitive to rejection by close friends, I hope that goes well for you. But please don’t let the posts here lead your decision.

If someone tells you to stop contacting them for whatever reason, that is what you must do. Respecting that when you are worried about them is hard, but you did the right thing by talking to a mutual friend who presumably will be supportive of her. Although, as she said she doesn’t want any friends she might end up isolated. There’s nothing more you can do about that.

She’s in a worse position than you right now but I don’t think that cancels out your feelings. You aren’t putting your feelings first but they are also valid. To be abruptly told a friend wants nothing more to do with you when you have done nothing wrong and genuinely care about them, will hurt. I think not feeling hurt would be more reason for counselling. Please think awhile before you pay a counsellor a lot of money to discuss a perfectly normal response to a sad situation.

Write her a letter saying everything you want to say. Tell her how much she means to you. Tell her goodbye. Then go for a peaceful walk somewhere you love. Take the letter there and rip it up while taking time to do it.

A friend of many years ghosted or slow faded me. Then her dh killed himself soon after and I found out by accidently bumping into to her. So much to process as I loved them both. But obviously couldn't say anything to her as she made it obvious she didn't want me in her life. I wrote everything down. Took the letter to my favour woods. Riped the letter up. Threw a tiny bit in the river and the rest in the next bin and said goodbye to her and her dh on my own.

It did help. Sometimes we place more weight on friend than they do in return. But that's OK. It was nice while it lasted but it's over now. My advice would be don't chase her.

Back off and leave her alone. She doesn’t want to trot around the shops with you or go for a walk, chit chatting and making out everything is ok when it’s not. She wants to be left alone in peace and quiet.

She also let it slip that she doesn’t have anything in common with you other than the addiction so what’s the point in trying to force a friendship when she’s made it clear there is none.

I think you have done all you can for now, OP. It's natural to feel hurt and rejected in this situation. Just leave the door open, perhaps she will contact you in the future, but if not, you just have to leave things there.

I think don’t worry about her for now, she’s asked you not to, but worry about yourself.

Sit with your feelings a bit. Try and articulate how you feel precisely to yourself (ie, I feel really hurt and unloved - this doesn’t have to be logical or proportional, you just need to identify clearly how you’re feeling amid thw swirl of ‘agh! Agh! This hurts! I don’t like it!’).

Then think: okay, well, I feel a bit wounded and panicky and horrible inside, but that’s okay, I’m just going to sit with that for a bit and really feel it, be nice to myself with a cuppa. Then I might have a think about WHY I feel like that. And try and disentangle some of the emotional threads.

And don’t forget the 72 hour rule! MOST emotional responses have settled down a bit after three days, you just have to ride that initial pain out. Then you can reflect from a more calm perspective.

People, especially recovering addicts, can be terrified so much of ‘feeling’ the pain that they do anything to make it better or make it go away. It’s okay, it’s fine to feel really very sad and hurt that your friend pushed you away, while also respecting her need to be at a distance from you.

It’s also extremely common for addicts to hurt and push loved ones away. People who have not had close relationships with addicts often don’t realise how incredibly complex and tangled and toxic those pushes and pulls are. Take care of yourself, love.

I am going to go against the grain.

I am sick of mental health being used as an excuse or justification to treat other people like crap.

It’s understandable that she’s going through a hard time and is keeping a distance right now. But to actively send out a message telling people to go away and to then block them is on her. The OP is perfectly entitled to be hurt and upset by being treated like this.

No doubt the people saying that are telling the OP that she’s in the wrong for being upset would also say that she needed to give this woman a chance when she inevitably comes crawling back.

OP you haven’t done anything wrong. And you’re not wrong to be upset by this.

If she’d just said she needed some space then that would be perfectly understandable. But she’s being deliberately hurtful, and the only person to blame for that is her.

I would internally wish her well, and then I would delete her number. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving the door open to her coming back if she’s blocked you.

Exitpursuedbygeese
What a lovely, helpful response. Thank you.
I’ll consider all your advice when I get home later. Yes, I definitely try to avoid feeling hard feelings. When I was a drinker, I would go weeks sober, then a bad row and I was off for a big drink to smother the upset!

Anyonewhohasaheart
Thabk you. My sentiments exactly!!!
solidarity

However good your intentions are putting a note through her door and contacting a mutual friend was crossing a line. She told you her boundary and you crossed it.

Until that point it was as others have said entirely about her, not about you as a friend. Perhaps reflect upon why it has upset you so much? Is it that your experiences of the same relationship were so different and you didn't see it? Did you rely on her for support that she was no longer able to give? It could be anything really, none of us can tell. Being dumped is hurtful so try not to be too hard on yourself.

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart I agree. People don’t realise it affects the other person’s mental health too but people think their behaviour won’t affect them.

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart it's not that it's an excuse, it's that it's not personal.

Of course it's understandable to feel upset when a good friend says something so rejecting.

Saying it sounds like she's struggling and isolating isn't saying it's a fine way for a friend to act. Rather that the way she is acting sounds more like a reflection of her own issues rather than an issue with OP and their friendship in particular.

That doesn't mean it isn't hurtful!