WIBU to just ghost an emotionally abusive boyfriend?

[revengeofthegoodgirl]

For the past 13 months I've been involved with somebody who turned out to be an emotionally abusive dick. Jealous, hugely insecure, trying to "dim my light" constantly and bring me down a peg or two to make himself feel more of a man / less inadequate. His own brother said he's a narcissist and whilst idk about that he definitely has a disordered personality.

Love bombing. Negging. Intermittent reinforcement. Triangulation. Stonewalling. Gaslighting. Just about every emotionally abusive behaviour you can think of, he's squeezed it all into a year. I have been miserable.

I deluded myself into thinking I was in love with him but woke up this morning and had a spontaneous wake-up call. This is ridiculous and I'm done.

So, my AIBU..

I want to leave him with a dose of head-fuck in return for all of the upset and he has caused me, and I know this will bother him more than any 'dumping speech' I dole out.

I will be seeing him on Monday, unavoidable. My plan is to be total sweetness and light, cheerful and engaging, have him think we're fine, leave on a positive note then as I walk away I'm going to block him on everything and never speak to him again.

Not the nicest way to end things but is it unreasonable in these circumstances? I don't think I owe him an explanation, do I?

OP, yes, YABU. Why stoop to his level? You have decided to leave - so tell him, then block him on everything. Both of you have put 13 months into this relationship - I think he can reasonably expect that you will let him know that this is the end of the road. How would you feel if he were to ghost you?

Absolutely! You do not owe this prick anything. Ghost him all you want.

Do it. He’s been a dick to you, you owe him nothing.

I would do that OP

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Do it.

You owe him nothing - end things in whatever way you want to and don’t worry about him.

Definitely worth doing from a revenge standpoint, but just beware that he might not just disappear out of your life. He’ll probably turn up at your door wanting answers. 13 months is a long time to let being ghosted slide*. Not saying he doesn’t deserve it though, he sounds awful.

(*I got ghosted after 3 dates once and didn’t stop talking about it for months 😂)

Block him & move on. I wouldn’t give him a chance to try & worm his way back in or guilt trip you etc

It's good you don't live with him, so much easier to get rid of.

So it if it's the best way to get safely away from him but don't do it out of spite.

You owe him nothing. But personally for my own peace of mind I would want to make it clear I was done, I wouldn’t want there to be any confusion on his part that might lead to him coming round to the house or contacting you in other ways for clarity.

It doesn’t have to be an essay - a simple ‘this isn’t working for me anymore goodbye’ then block would do the job.

I don't think I owe him an explanation, do I? Absolutely not.

I want to leave him with a dose of head-fuck in return for all of the upset he has caused me, and I know this will bother him more than any 'dumping speech' I dole out. Not healthy thinking because this is you trying to affect how he'll feel rather than focusing on who you are and what's best for you.

I'd want to make it clear that it was over, not leaving any room for him to be in touch again.
I'd tell him that negging, triangulation, all that awful stuff he did, is unacceptable to you and that you think he needs to work on himself. Then I'd tell him not to get in touch with you at all again, and block.

What happens if he’s being a dick on Monday, you’ll be putting yourself through more trauma than you need to be, is it really that unavoidable? I would decide enough is enough and no time like the present.

I think you should leave him in a manner that protects you, not as a fun revenge game. You do not want to be in the way of his narcissistic rage. This people can be dangerous.

I like the idea but surely after 13 months he’s going to turn up at work/your home/social events to see what the fuck has gone on?

With that pattern of abusive behaviour would he really just go - oh she’s blocked me - and move on?

Just weigh up the risk to yourself I guess.

My only worry would be that he sounds the sort that would turn up at your house or work seeking an explanation if he has nothing from you.

Once, I had a boyfriend who whenever I tried to break up with him would tell me I don’t get to decide that. Despite repeatedly telling me it was over and threatening me with ending things almost weekly.

When I finally reached the point I could leave him, when he asked what I was doing the next day I told him I was breaking up with him and finishing an essay. He laughed. The next day I text him to say it was over and blocked him on everything.

I agree with you - no speech, he’s not worth it. Do what you need to do to get through it.

For your own safety it maybe better to text/email him and tell him it’s over; give him a brief explanation. Ghosting him leaves too many opportunities for him to keep contacting you. If he becomes very difficult then you have a clear record of finishing the relationship.

It’s not a wise idea to play games with someone that has subjected you to abuse, in my unfortunate experience he will be stunned you have ended it and be hell bent on getting you back because he has to be in control and this is not a situation to take lightly.
You sound a bit flippant but your focus needs to be on keeping yourself safe.
Be prepared for an onslaught of love bombing, insults and possibly suicide threats etc.
Grt support from people in your real life.

I’d tell him but without dressing it up. We’re over, don’t contact me again. Why? Because I don’t like being treated like shit. Bye.

Why is seeing him on Monday, unavoidable? Unless it’s a court hearing or a mutual friend’s funeral then it is avoidable. Just ghost him now! Block him on everything and then email him after a suitable period of head-fuckery, to confirm it’s over.

Don't ghost him, just message him to say you are done (and why) and then block him. I'd also recommend that you tell him in this message that any further contact from him will be considered harrassment. You can then use this message as evidence if he does keep trying to contact you.

Because chances are he will, and you may need to be prepared to contact the Police for assistance.

I think your idea is mad and likely to bring a load more hassle to your door. Just send him a message ending it then block.

Just tell him it’s over and you just don’t feel the same anymore or something similarly bland. The best revenge is a life well lived. The opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference. He’ll be more stunned that you don’t care to either ghost or make a speech. And it means as others say there is no grey area.