Husband doesn't do very much - not just around the house. Is it worth hoping he'll change?

[Gettingveryfedup]

Has anyone ever been in the position where their DH doesn't pull his weight and has changed?

I've namechanged for this although aren't much of a regular. My DH lets me do everything, not just the housework, but admin stuff within our relationship.

It's really come to a head as we have recently emigrated, and gone through remortgaging, dealing with estate agents, shipping companies etc and whilst he'll do the things that I TELL him to do, he doesn't actually proactively do anything. For example, if I remind him to call X estate agent about the house sale, he does it, but not because he wants to/thinks it needs doing.

Housework-wise, he pulls his weight OK-ish if I give him lists and nag him and remind him. I'm at the stage where I don't think I should be doing this.

He made us go to counselling, which he stopped attending when it came to light that he had a problem and it wasn't my "anger issue". The counsellor said that we have a parent/child dynamic going on.

So...has anyone else been in a similar position and things have changed for the better?

Actually housework-wise he admitted that he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in 4 months, so maybe he doesn't pull his weight that much!

What will you do if he doesn't change and how on earth did you end up staying with someone like this? I have seen many relationships like this and they don't generally change - not over the long haul. Surely he must always have been like this and you just put up with it - and now you want to change the rules. Seems to me that it's a cokpromise - i.e. get some support with a lot of nagging/lists etc, put up and shut up, or walk.

Could you sit down and divvy up the workload with him, so that he feels responsible enough to take the initiative.

I know that I'm sometimes guilty of just letting others do everything for me, but if you actually give me the responsibility for things, I do them very well. I'm basically a bit lazy.

If I am given responsibility, I a) rise to the challenge and b) feel better about myself.

The difficult bit is that you have to genuinely let go of the things he's responsible for. If you're not convinced you can do that, then you may have to accept that you just are the one who does them!

He's always been like this, but it didn't come to light as he moved in with me when we got together, so all the systems were in place really and it was a small home.

Things have come to a head now we have a more complex life, a bigger house and more financial commitments. The problem is that if we divvy stuff up, he does it for a while and then falls back into his ways. Or in the case where he was supposed to do the household finances and "forgot" for 6 months.

In counselling it was suggested that we take a break. If I wasn't in a different country and if we didn't have 2 DCs I would have left by now, or would certainly have found that option easier.

That is hard. I guess you just get the best compromise you can and stand it for as long as you can. Are you in a country where you can afford domestic help?

Well seeing as how he gave up counselling when the problem was uprooted instead of deciding to deal with the problem, I think that's a good clue as to your answer.

No he won't change. He doesn't want to.

I can't afford any domestic help, we're just keeping our heads above water at the moment. I have a lot of resentment that has built up over the years - he's only just started to look for work now after me nagging him, otherwise he was quite happy to sit at home whilst my savings paid our way.

He's actually just called to say that he's going to revisit counselling. He gave it up when the counsellor highlighted that the main issues were caused by him not pulling his weight, and it made me ill with stress in the end.

I understand about the parent/child relationship i think it is very common - and too many woman plod along thinking it will change and it doesnt - they just put up with it and become the martyr.
He will only change if he wants to and it sounds as if he doesnt need to.

I know it sounds hard but you have to decide what YOU want and almost show him what you expect. You will have to show him and make him understand what the consequences are if he doesnt. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

OK, so he's basically declared that he doesn't want to change and this is the way he's going to stay.

You have 2 choices: 1 - accept that and 2 - dump him. Choice 3 - change it - is one he will only do if you are seriously ready to do choice 2. And actually, even that often isn't enough to motivate a man like this to change.

Good luck.

The dw and I separated our chores. She is responsible for:
laundry
car
children's schooling
children's clothes
repairs.

I am responsible for
money, savings and investments
cooking, dish-washing and groceries
cleaning
admin, e.g. insurance, utility bills and so on.

Oh yeah, and I do the ironing. The dw never learned to use one.

We split them partly according to our aptitudes, partly from convenience. We often help with the other's responsibilities but ONLY on request. We don't make a point of checking that each other are putting in as much effort. All in all, it works very well.

Is there a man who doesnt do the dishwasher? It seems to be one of those things they do - along with the bins that is.

My trick was to load it wrong . However i do think he sussed and cant seem to understand the concept of seperating the laundry.

We have have a joke about it - i think he needs a map to even find the washing machine. .

I think you just need to find a partership that works for you and this clearly isnt for you as it is.

Little Bella and Happywoman, the points you make are scarily similar to what the counsellor told me - go for an ultimatum and leave him and let him decide if he is willing to change of not. We talked about this over the last few days, and the thing is, I'm scared of ending it and finding out he doesn't actually change.

The issue isn't just about the housework either (which he does do small amounts of, although not always voluntarily), it's about life decisions too. i.e. finances, sorting out bills, budgeting. If I leave him to do it, bills go unpaid and then that impacts on the whole family. I accept that there should be 'roles' in a relationship but in this one it seems that my role is to do everything and to oversee all decisions that we make (the parent/child dynamic again). It exhausts me.

He's actually now told me he's going to revisit counselling so there might be some hope there.

Yikes, yes when one partner is the "child" it is almost automatic for the other to become "parent".
This can only work well whilst the "parent" is not resentful.

You need to force him or he meeds to decide to move from "child" to "adult" (I assume you are familiar with transactional analysis?) so you can have an adult/adult relationship.

My friend had a long term parent/child with her H. They divorced, he went straight off with a domineering woman who LOVED being the parent and he could be child so it worked that time around. My friend moved onto another man whom she married and they have an adult/adult relationship. But as she said "I had to establish from day one, I was not his mother and he could bloody pull his own weight".

I hope you can get your DH to change. However, a lot of people like being lazy and will get away with it if they can. You will have to be very strong.

Happywoman, I don't do the dishwasher (because we don't have one) and the dw does the bins.

Gettingveryfedup, good luck with the counselling. Hope it works this time.

Miggsie, you say that when one partner is the child, the other will almost automatically become the parent. Well, I suppose that's true, but I imagine it wou be more common for each partner to be the parent in specific areas.

When we first married, the dw didn't separate laundry or put the machine on the right setting. She grew up with a maid (she's South African) so she'd never learned. Luckily (and this is the advantage of marrying South Africans) I've always been able to be very frank with her without causing her offence, so we ironed out this and other problems, e.g. with things I was useless at. Now I just let her get on with it.

Just the same way, if I need to get the car serviced or buy clothes for the kids, I demand written instructions. Otherwise (being a "child") I will get things hopelessly wrong.

oh crumbs, i think i had better start appreciating my husband

He will do any housework. He loads/ unloads the washing machine, cooks, irons. He will run the hoover round, does the bins, dishwasher. Cleans the bathroom etc.

At the moment he is putting ds1 to bed.

I do, of course, do all the above too but he doesnt need promting to do it.

I think it helps that he moved out of his parents at 16 to join the forces - so he HAD to learn to look after himself.

well dh hasn't cleaned/done house work for hmmm................ 3 years... I have given up asking him to help.

The odd occasion he will mop or put a load of washing on BUT tbh its quicker to do it myself and saves all the praise he wants afterwards.

Oh and come to think of it besides earning the household income he does nothing. I even moved the lawn last week so let me think what dh does now.................

NOTHING.!

Just remembered, I found a nail in my tyre last week...its still there...suppose I need to wait until I have a free moment from the dk's before I sort it (there was a time when dh would have fallen over himself to sort it for his dw) . atm I feel our house is very much one adult and 3 kids.

My dh does virtually nothing either and it's driving me to insanity atm. We have an online business but I do all the work (stock taking/taking in deliveries/admin/accounts/packing etc etc. DH hands over goods when they are collected for delivery.

I do all the housework (when I have time), washing, I've given up ironing cos it's a waste of my time and effort. I pay the bills etc etc. The list is endless. DH sits on his arse or mulls around thinking about doing something but hardly ever gets round to doing it. I've been waiting for gas CH fitted for over 2 years and still waiting, the boiler is now on the wall and some of the pipework is done but thats taken him 2 years to do. I have a hole in my living room where we took out the old gas fire to fit a woodburner and dh still hasn't finished the job and filled round it.

I've been without gas for over a month cos workers digging up the road fitting new pipes came in to check if everything was ok and they found a small leak inside our house. They discounted the pipe and gave dh a form to call BG to get them to come and check/repair and reconnect, he's still not got round to it.

I'm seriously at my wits end with him and no he'll never change despite my tears and talks with him and his empty promises things are still the same.

Just a question- all these men who do so much- are you both working?

I work part time- roughly 16 hours a week- andmy DH works full time, roughly out from 8am-7pm.

I wouldn't dream of asking/expecting him to do housework, cooking etc etc.

He puts the rubbish out, pays bills online, does DIY and cuts the lawn.

I do shopping, cooking, all housework, gardening, ironing/mending, all Xmas and birthday presents/cards, even or his family.

Is this unusual?

The thing is, why should these men change? (I don't mean from an enthical viewpoint, of course they should get their stupid lazy arses in gear, but from their point of view) They've got a good deal: everything done from them and the only cost is what they will percieve as a bit of whining from the little woman but hey, that's what women do, isn;t it?
You've either got to learn to love your service-appliance status, or move on.

"learn to love your service-appliance status"

I nominate Madamez for quote of the week.

I had to throw my adult baby out.

Even now, when he visits the kids, I have to say things like

"Ds1 needs his inhalers he is wheezing. Ds2 has to go to bed now. Ds1 needs to do his school reading book. They cannot have pudding until they have eaten the vegetables. Their socks are where they always have been, all their lives, in their bedroom. Ds1 cannot concentrate with the television on. It doesn't matter how much you shout. He cannot concentrate. You need to switch the television off now. Well, you're not here to watch the television, you're here to see the kids OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING INFANTILE?!"

So I can see, I really can, how when an adult is refusing to be an adult, the other adults around him have to step in.

There is no way of changing this if he doesn't want to change it, and I agree whole heartedly with Madamez. You are being treated like a household service appliance, which is why he doesn't listen when you object. He knows if he waits it out, you'll stop, much like a car making a funny noise until it warms up.

Because he is childish, he has not yet figured out that when you stop, it is because you have stopped caring about him, not because you are willing to skiv.

He NEEDS to properly feel the consequences of his actions. Give him the bills that it is in his interest to maintain (the Sky? The car?). If he doesn't put his washing in the wash basket, do not wash it. If it starts to smell, throw it in the bin. If he won't help with things like cutting the lawn, hire a gardener and take it out of his personal spends. He has to feel the consequences because at the minute, you are cushioning him from them, like a parent catching a silly child jumping repeatedly off the furniture.

Would also like to nominate madamez for quote of the week.

If you keep enabling these workshy men they will never see the full consequences of their inaction.

Such behaviour is also often learnt - in many such instances their own mothers ran around after the menfolk so these men were taught by these women to do nothing.

It's easy to ignore bills but the effect of ignoring them can be a nightmare. Why don't you concentrate on the finances and stop doing the housework? That way he will see the immediate effect of letting those things slip (which he may not notice as quickly if it were the finances which were ignored) and he might beforced to pull his finger out.

my dp also does virtually nothing every now and again he will do something and he thinks that is enough to suffice, i.e about a month ago he cleaned out the utility room and he did a very good job with it i must say, sincce then though he has washed one sink load of dishes and that is it.

now i i said to him the washing up needs doing/yard needs cleaning/carpets need hoovering or whatever my answer would be 'but i/you did that the other day!' oh what so you just do theese things once and then they dont need doing again?

i am sick of having to try and explain that the dishes,hoovering,washing,cleaning kitchen need doing every not just when he feels like getting some praise, and yes he does need a lot of praise, he is still going on about the utility room now. its was a month ago ffs.

i have never found a way of getting him to change but pointing out that my four old helps more in the house and is more capable of looking after herself then he is usually gets him up off his backside for a while, it just doesnt last long.

But what do you do when DH doesn't care whether the housework is done or not? Mine is quite prepared to live with the teetering pile of washing-up and the crust of crumbs on the carpet. It's me who can't stand it.