Husband doesn't do very much - not just around the house. Is it worth hoping he'll change?

[Gettingveryfedup]

Has anyone ever been in the position where their DH doesn't pull his weight and has changed?

I've namechanged for this although aren't much of a regular. My DH lets me do everything, not just the housework, but admin stuff within our relationship.

It's really come to a head as we have recently emigrated, and gone through remortgaging, dealing with estate agents, shipping companies etc and whilst he'll do the things that I TELL him to do, he doesn't actually proactively do anything. For example, if I remind him to call X estate agent about the house sale, he does it, but not because he wants to/thinks it needs doing.

Housework-wise, he pulls his weight OK-ish if I give him lists and nag him and remind him. I'm at the stage where I don't think I should be doing this.

He made us go to counselling, which he stopped attending when it came to light that he had a problem and it wasn't my "anger issue". The counsellor said that we have a parent/child dynamic going on.

So...has anyone else been in a similar position and things have changed for the better?

What would your husband do if there were no clean clothes, if the beds went unchanged or if there was never anything to eat in the house? I recon you could very quickly make a point if he started to not have the things around him that he needs or wants.

To an extent, many people women do far more housework than is actually necessary, because of this bullshit idea that housework is virtuous, creative, important and A Woman's Sacred Duty when actually it's not worth cleaning anything till it looks dirty and dusting is a total waste of time. However, the basics like cooking, washing up, laundry and emptying the rubbish should be divided between all able bodied people in the household: assign your partner the jobs that will annoy or inconvenience him if they are not done, and DON'T DO THEM.

MAdamaz - how is dustng a waste of time?

I hate doing it but if I didn't the surfaces would be thick with dust after a couple of months
PS. I only know this because I didn't dust anything as a student and my room and everything in it was filthy.

I am not saying you should put up with it but i do think that men in general need to be 'managed' at home. They just don't seem to see the things that need doing and it drives me up the bloody wall too

If i don't shop/leave him a shopping list, DP eats take away. If i don't hoover/tell him to hoover, DP lives in filth and complains that his asthma's playing up. If i don't do laundry/tell him to do laundry, DP goes commando...

He moved in with me - haven't dared handing over finances....

Often wonder if it's just men (my dad was worse) or if my need to manage/control things prevents him from taking the lead.

if he at least does the things he's asked to, he's one step ahead of many men (including my dh). i know it's irritating having to remember things for him, but it's a damn sight more irritating remembering things for someone who then can't be arsed to actually do them. and needs reminding 10 times and still doesnt do it and you end up doing it instead.
will he change? nope, in all probability not - he might get a bit better,if he thinks the relationship is in jeopardy if he doesnt, but will never probably be the sort of man who willingly and on his own intiative splits all the chores 50/50.
so the question is, can you live with it?
and out of interest, if he does things when instructed to, can't you just instruct him a bit more so that he shares the workload more?