Partners with undiagnosed ASD - please share your experiences

[AIBU5]

Please be gentle...
I have known my husband for 8 years and I am quite confident that he's got a highly functional ASD. To preempt any criticism I have a medical background (It takes about 4-5 years to do a PhD, so believe me 8 years is more than enough to come to this conclusion 😂)
He lacks self awareness and has no desire to hear anything about this topic.
If you know you know what it's like to live with someone with ASD. It's been hard, but I have learnt to live my life like this. Being self sufficient and independent helps, but once in a while I get really fed up with him. Divorce? Nope, thank you, I am done looking for a perfect man.
So I just wanted to ask you, lovely people, who is in the same situation, how are you coping? AIBU?

I'm glad his ASD is functional, I hate it when mine stops working.

NC for this. Not exactly what you’re looking for but I’m live with my Dad who I suspect is on the spectrum. FWIW I am also on the spectrum and got diagnosed in my twenties. I also live with my mum but she is NT.

dad cheated on mum online when I was 13 and they’re still determined to live together no idea why. My dad I know will never seek a diagnosis as he’s nearly 60 and I do think deep down he sees the condition as shameful. You can’t force your husband to get himself diagnosed and if he’s anything like my dad he will probably deny he has it. Seeking a diagnosis won’t do anything to change him it’s not a magic wand. He may be offered support but if he is a typical man he might not even want that support. Do you have children? For me it was a relief to finally be diagnosed but I know now I probably inherited it from my dad and I’m bitter for several reasons/ he always poo pooed doctors offering to test me when I was a kid.

if he’s in denial and happy to continue with behaviour that annoys you you might just have to accept the relationship might be over. Being diagnosed might give a reason for some of his behaviour but if he doesn’t want to be diagnosed or to support then you will unfortunately just have to put up with him

if it’s been 8 years it would be unfair to expect him to change anyway.

I know how irritating it feels when it’s so obvious someone has it and they’re in denial though

@Bechange997 I don’t think it’s ever too late to hope for change. Just because they face been together 8 years it doesn’t mean the OP has to just suck it up.

Why would any loving partner be ok to live in a way that made their partner miserable without trying to adapt?

Op definitely shouldn’t just suck it up and they wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave and get fed up. I just think if this man isn’t interested in a diagnosis and getting support then she can’t expect him to.

Thank you for you comment. One absolute positive, and perhaps one of the main reasons I want to stay with him is that I know he will never cheat. It's just an absolute no for him, and for me it's very important to be 100% confident in him.
Yes we have children. While he is great with them he is so overwhelmed with his job I deal with the kids and the rest "invisible" things you have to do in a family. And yet I have a full-time job and earn as much as him. Yet in his mind, if he works more it's more important 😂 I say work smarter not harder.
This arrogance and lack of self awareness drive me crazy. Thank god for antidepressants eh

That's the point. He doesn't see it. When I tried to show my feelings in the beginning there was always drama and I have just had enough of it. I don't expect him to change. I just want to learn more strategies to live in a happy coexistence. And one day, maybe I will be ready to be alone. But not just yet...

That’s so sad that you say one of the main reasons is because you know he won’t cheat. Plenty of guys are loyal and don’t cheat whether they’re on the spectrum or not.

Sorry to hear he thinks his job is more important than yours and doesn’t acknowledge that you work and do the bulk of the stuff at home. Regardless of whether he’s autistic or not, you need to sit him down and tell him how he’s making you unhappy.

antidepressants help with low mood but won’t fix his behaviour

I have ASD, thanks for telling me that 'if you know you know' that I'd be a drain to live with.

And they say it's ASD people who lack social skills and empathy.

😆

I hear you.

If you choose to stay with him you’re going to have to detach a bit from him and his ASD. In the same way that you don’t expect a cat to be like a dog you can’t expect Mr AIBU5 to behave like anything other than what he is. He’s not going to change. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that you can take the best of what he has to offer and get the rest of your needs for connection, insight etc elsewhere. Cultivate wonderful friendships with amazing women. Invest in these relationships because they’re really important.

I know someone who is married to someone exactly like your husband. She views her marriage like a job. Some might judge and say life is too short to stay in a marriage that is less than picture perfect but she is happy over all with her whole, balanced life - of which he is one part of the pie -and they’ve been married for 35 years. He hasn’t the faintest idea (naturally!) that this is how she really feels.

If you are young and you have options though I’d advise you to think carefully whether you want this.

This arrogance and lack of self awareness drive me crazy. Thank god for antidepressants eh

I think medication in order to stay in a relationship is an awful choice.

I'd say if he wanted to cheat he will. He will make it right in his head.
In terms of relationships, it can fluctuate between caring and incredibly lonely. I guess like any relationship. Sorry I'm no help am i

It is a curse when it happens out of nowhere 😂

NT's genuinely have no clue, not one.

OP there is a series of threads that you might find helpful, title is along the lines of married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD
Its a supportive place you can vent, share advice etc
Im in a similar place to you and have found these so helpful.

Living Hell
Ime.
Currently having a hypertension crisis and take sleeping pills

.

@Hibernatingtilspring NT/ND relationships are difficult for BOTH partners and OP is simply expressing her experiences as an NT person. I have an ASD partner and while I can see that life is really difficult for him, it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle and it’s all a breeze, and that it’s my responsibility only to adapt and adjust to make the relationship work.
OP - you’ll need more than just his fidelity to make your relationship work long term. If you decide to stay in it, build a community around you, with people who’ll respond to your needs for practical and emotional support that you won’t get from your DP. Equally, he may benefit from finding people with ASD who he can relate to.

@dontbeabsurd Would it be ok to make blanket statements about any other disability making people a nightmare to live with? How about those people with MS, so slow, nightmare right? Or those people in wheelchairs, if you know you know... FFS

A diagnosis is only helpful if it’s helpful, iyswim. It’s not going to change his behaviour or his perception of his behaviour as being reasonable or unreasonable.

I would focus on whether you can live with him as him rather than whether he is NT or ND.

High functioning is an outdated term and shouldn't be used. Also being autistic and being an arse aren't mutually exclusive. Your issues aren't due to autism, but his personality.

As others have said, ‘high functioning’ autism is a highly out of date term. And I can tie that in with my own experience with my kids dad. He was always what people would call ‘a bit eccentric’ when we first met, but I have adhd and our personalities balanced out (often the case in ND relationships!). There were always a bit of difficulties - he was ridged and obviously liked day to day to be the same, I like spontaneity. He was very limited in what he ate, I love my food. He would do things in the home 10x better than me, paid more attention to detail and didn’t rush, but needed everything pointed out to the nth degree. I could lose my own eyes if they weren’t attached to me 🤣.

The big changes came with having children and his career change. Suddenly all ‘functionality’ in the home (including self care) went out the window. He only had enough in him to manage work, because he thrived in it, could make his routines plans and beyond the first couple of years didn’t face picking apart what he was doing. At home he became a person who couldn’t do anything without being expressly told. Not just ignoring washing up or the bins, his bills weren’t being paid because he wouldn’t sort direct debits, he needed to be reminded to shower, brushing teeth because too sensory adverse, he once had a meltdown because I asked him to brush his hair (that he got cut twice a year) - I was essentially becoming his carer. The micromanaging became beyond tedious, I laid out some clothes for our child and ask him to dress them, came back to the child without socks because I hadn’t put them in the pile. Fresh socks were in the drawer a couple of feet away.

I do agree with another poster, that we don’t speak about other disabilities in such a negative way when it comes to our partners. However, there is a huge pattern with undiagnosed men becoming very difficult to live with as they age, either because they don’t accept it, or (in my ex’s case) refuse to find ways to self manage and expect their partners to just accept that’s the way they are. As someone with adhd, I’ve spent my whole life over adjusting myself and it is exhausting but I also have to see how frustrating my traits can be to others. There has to be a compromise between understanding the person and actively self managing.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15?page=25&reply=144319027

@Simplynotsimple I hear your point about adjusting, and autism is such a wide and varied spectrum... OPs DH's stubbornness and refusal to listen could bea result of his autism, equally it could be just him being an arse.

I find it baffling that someone with ADHD would be laying out clothes for someone with autism, in my household I do everything (to my detriment) before my NT partner would think of it, because I plan everything and think ahead. There can be positives and it is frustrating that some people only focus on the negatives

Also for those who have mentioned about whether he's willing to seek support - most areas of the country there is no post diagnosis support of any kind for adults with autism, unless for adults with autism + significant learning disabilities. In some there's no option for assessment unless you meet those criteria too. Another reason why many adults arent seeking 'help'.

There’s definitely a correlation with men with autism and the general stereotypes of men who leave all the mental load to women regardless of being ND. I think autism in men just exacerbates the literalness of ‘I go to work, I switch off at home, children and house is woman work’. The spoons of executive function will not be put in the household drawer…

Ive had to work very hard since having children to make sure I don’t ’fuck up’, everything is sorted well in advance. More so since becoming a single parent. It’s exhausted me mentally to the point I’ve just asked for ADHD medication. As women though, we don’t have the same liberties to say ‘well that just doesn’t fit my abilities or mental strengths to do’.

Actually, yes it would be FINE to make sweeping statements about the impact of conditions on the wider family and society. Why wouldn’t it? People don’t have their condition in isolation.