Husband works away - is there hope?😢

[Kelly1999x]

Hi.
my husband is from Australia and he is here on spouse visa, 1 year left so he can only leave the uk for 90 days for the next year. He goes abroad to do seasonal farm work and has flipped that he can only go away for 90 days to work in a year. He is currently in europe working for 6 weeks. I feel so lonely with our 3 year old child. He says it’s fine for me I have a job I love here but he wants to do the farm work that he can’t do here only in summer and go to australia for couple months working ect. Not sure what the answer is. I can’t see an end in him wanting to work abroad, feel like a single mum past few weeks without him😢 he says im selfish and its all what I want, I don’t want to move from the uk I have a good job living in my mums second home so no mortgage and have a lot of support here. I feel for him but what is the answer? Spending months apart every year? 😢 I do love him but how will this work I feel like he resents me

That sounds very difficult to manage, however gently was his job and visa situation not discussed before you had a child together?

Yeah he said he wanted to settle here but has now changed his mind and does not like his job here and wants to travel/work😔

What was your initial plan?

Dh and I are both British so don't have the visa issue but he lives and works in another country 10mo of the year. We have 1dc. Its a bit shit sometimes but it is what it is and won't be forever. Whats your plans for the future?

10 months? How do you manage this? 😔 our plan was just to be here but he is not happy here. Not sure what the future holds now

‘he says im selfish and its all what I want’

But he’s the one who has changed his mind about living in one place? I don’t think you’re the one being selfish here. He’s a Dad now, his responsibilities and life have changed - sounds like he hasn’t adjusted to that.

I just do 🤷‍♀️. I have a house to run, a child to parent, a part time job and all the other bits and bobs that comes with adulting. Just got to get on with it.

However, your situation feels different - was there ever a plan for dh to become a full citizen of the UK?

He seems a bit immature and selfish to be honest, he could have a stable home life with his wife and child and help and support them in the UK. Instead he’s choosing to do casual farm work abroad for months at a time because it’s what he wants and he enjoys it?

Im afraid once you have children, wanting to swan off and do farm work in Europe for 6 weeks is off the table as far as I’m concerned!

Im more sympathetic about going back to Australia if he misses it and wants to see family/friends but he should’ve thought of all this before agreeing to settle down and have a child somewhere.

You haven’t said it’s a great financial incentive or anything and travelling that much is expensive. Why doesn’t he want to stay at home and watch his baby grow?!

I'm just going through a divorce after 12 years of supporting my husband (of 27 years) working on a 6/2 rota in Iraq. He found someone else. So I was left for 12 years raising our four kids pretty much on my own whilst he had no responsibilities and lots of fun. I've subsequently found that marriages rarely last more than 2 or 3 years in an expat environment.

His parting shot was that I drove him into her arms because I was always ratty. I was on anti-depressants for 10 years and seriously struggled to meet the needs of four neurodivergent children who were statemented/autisitc/adhd etc. Don't succumb.

There are farming jobs in the UK
I have seen them advertised
Has he actually looked
Suffolk
Norfolk
Scotland
Does he have the "right to work in the UK" ?

Sounds like an excuse to be away in Europe to me

Do you get to see your husband though in those 10 months ?
How long left do you have to do this for ?

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Swanning off knowing you will hold the fort and welcome him back he basically has free rein to do whatever he wishes. How does he support you and the child financially? I can’t see seasonal farm work paying that well? Because you live in your mums house he has avoided the responsibility of having to pay for a mortgage or rent freeing him up financially. He needs to grow up and it sounds like he has no intention of settling down so you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him you are either a family or not and that he cannot just up and go like peter bloody pan whenever he wants. do you trust that he wont be cheating?

Only Facetime etc. He comes home approx 3-4 times a year for a couple of weeks each time.

No idea how long, maybe another 4 or 5 years?

He would e better paid if he worked off shore on an oul rig or similar
You could see him more

I don't understand this at all. Your husband is prioritising farm work over living as a family with his wife and child?! I'd understand a little more if it was an amazingly paid job and he was saving towards your future, but it sounds like he just wants to have fun and do a bit of travelling instead of taking his responsibilities seriously. This sounds very bizarre.

I am so so sorry. That sounds incredibly hard. I hope you’re okay.

Itinerant farm work is for students and refugees not a married man with a small child.

Just wanted to say I hear you! My DH works away from home a lot (well paid job) and yes I have a nice life style..but. I feel like a single mum too with our young daughter, a hinge house, farm to run, dog and various other animals! He keeps adding stuff to my portfolio thinking he is doing me a favour but filling my time!! Fuckin annoys me. We do have a happy and healthy child who is adores and looks after when he is here…
we are both in the UK so slightly different we also a mid early 40’s not sure if you two are just a bit younger and therefore he isn’t seeing the full picture?

That’s tough going ..
Must be great when he comes home ..
Ah , you’d never know what good fortune might happen that may not see him away for as long as you both anticipate 🤞
Best of luck x

So you're basically a single mom so he can go do farm work for over a month at a time in the EU and then he goes to Australia. Does he finance this with his work? Is he also helping support your household?

It really seems like he has no interest in living with you and your child as a family. Don't move away from your support system for a husband who can't be bothered to live with you and raise your baby other than very part time on his terms.

@ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers sorry that does sound tough. My dh also works rotation in Iraq and he did say that there is a high rate of divorce amongst colleagues.

He has responsibility here with yourself and a child he cant just change his mind because he doesn't like his job here and uproot you all he is the selfish one.
Needs to grow up !!

Why isn’t he happy here? What is the specific thing that’s driving his need/wish to get farm work in other countries?

Your set up feels truly odd and very weird. Sorry, but your husband has few responsibilities. Wants to keep it that way. And lives a single, very cheap subsidised carefree llife

How do you really know that he is working in Europe?

He could be having a double life and be working anywhere and even have another family. Sorry. l know must sound really upsetting.

I know of someone who has been working inone month one.month.on then one month off for years. In s very highly paid Cionsultancy job in the middle east

.Everything he does is sbout control status and money and himself and his big House in the country

He met a prostitute, younger than him, when working in another Middle Eastern Country over 20 years ago. whilst still married to his first wife

Got divorced. Married the prostitute and had a child straight away Child is now a boarding pupil of a very expensive public school.

He may work hard to keep up this inpeccable respectable lifestyle
but he has completely outsourced his responsibilies and life. IIn fact l reckon he is still seeing prostiutes at work.

Working away from home can be a must for some family men with good financial rewards. But they are in control believe me.

You seem to be getting vety little of anything from your husband who is a real freeloader.

Sort him out. Don't let him get away with it.

Does it pay well, i can’t imagine it does. Send him
back to oz and claim child support, they have a sh1t hot system