How do I come to terms with being newly single at 33?

[SadTexanChick]

A little back story: I left my ex of 3 years exactly 2 weeks ago today. He was dragging his feet about taking our relationship to the next step, ie moving in together, engagement, marriage, kids, and I was just over having to beg for my core needs to be fulfilled just because he was afraid of taking any major step in our relationship.

But the reality hit me hard: I am 33, single, and the possibility of ending up alone and miserable has really been taking a toll on me. I just know, for me to be truly fulfilled in life, I need to find my lifelong partner. But at 33??? Ending this relationship, even though it had to be done, really threw me off my game.

I have been having trouble working, eating, and everything feels numb. I don't want to have pleasant conversations, I am snapping at people when all they did was ask a simple question, and any time someone asks me how I am doing, my eyes well up with tears and I can't promise that I won't breakdown right then and there.

I am taking horse riding lessons during the week, going to the gym like usual, and also trying out dancing for the first time. I am planning a couple of trips for the rest of this year, probably solo, so I am going to keep myself busy. But like I said, all of this literally feels like a zombie is doing it.

My heart is just shattered and I don't know how to overcome this huge setback in my life.

You are a brave and strong woman. I think you did exactly the right thing in ending it with him, you could be in this position at 38 or 45 if you’d stayed. You are young and have interesting hobbies, of course it hurts now, that’s okay and expected. Keep doing what you’re doing. I know you are so sad, but this was such a positive post of courage and initiative to make a self-empowered change. Xx

You don’t need to find your life partner.

Take some time for yourself and then when you feel ready start dating.
You’re looking at the long term right now but focus on the short term instead.

btw I’m 33 as well. I have a son but have been single for a long time. I don’t want to settle for whoever comes along it has to be right.

Bloody well done for cutting him loose and not clinging on.

i know everyone says this and it’s a cliche, but it’ll be fine. It was lockdown and I was 33 and single. Married the bugger didn’t I. Pregnant now.

I met my husband on Hinge (and was doing apps before covid).

I find that focusing on myself, my career and where i want to be is helpful. So instead of focusing on all the what-ifs and worse case scenarios, think about how to become more independent and more financially stable. That will come in helpful whatever relationship you have next.

You know you did the right thing, it was going nowhere so be sad for a bit, then dust yourself down and remember you are only 33, plenty of time for a new, better relationship where you don’t have to beg for your basic needs to be met.

Also, what setback? Real setback would be to cling on hoping he’ll change and waste next 3-5-whatever years on him. In 6 months time you’ll be patting yourself on the back for being strong and making the right choice now.

You are still very young OP- 33 is not too late.
Focus on self care for a bit, stop putting pressure on yourself to be ‘ok’ and let yourself go through the motions.

I met my current partner after 6 years of being single - I was your age when I left my ex. I needed that time for me, and I wasn’t willing to settle.

Do not despair, you don’t need a relationship to live a full and complete life. You can even have children without a man these days.

I met my now ex on Hinge as well!

I have had 3 long term relationships, the first one was with a guy from high school, and the last 2 were from the online world.

Hearing stories from other ladies who met their SO around my age helps. Thank you!

Yeah, this is very true. I have always wanted to adopt, and even thought it would be soooo lovely to adopt that child with an amazing man by my side, I can also do it without him.

I also need to learn that I need to take men at face value. I can not change them! There were red flags for years about this man, but I ignored them all because his words made me feel better. I feel so foolish!

Thank you for this sweet and uplifting response!💙

I feel so foolish because the writing was on the walls for me see, clear as day. But I ignored it all because I was stupid and naive. Even though my ex kept saying he was going to propose in August, I had this weird feeling that he wouldn't or it would be a shut up ring and that's it. I wasn't going to risk my happiness on either one those possibilities so instead of being older and ending it, I pulled the band aid off now.

IT STINGS LIKE BLOODLY HELL.

Would’ve stung more August 31st or, worse, five years married to him and begging for children.

Honestly, effin’ good for you!

At 34 a 12 year relationship (no kids) ended. Now 47 I have been married to someone entirely different for 10 years and have a 8 and 5 yr old. You never know what's waiting around the corner!

I think it's always heartbreaking to have to end things with someone you saw a long-term future with.

But I don't really buy into this 'what if I'm going to be alone forever' crap.

You're complete as you are. Men are just company. If you fixate too much on family and 'finding your other half' all that happens is it encourages you to settle for arseholes.

Alone shouldn't ever equal miserable.

Men will always come and go throughout your life. They are not permanent features. And that's a bloody good thing!

If you want kids, maybe you'll meet someone and have them...maybe you'll be a stepmum one day...maybe you'll foster or adopt...maybe you'll go it alone..or maybe you won't do any of those things. But it shouldn't govern your whole life.

Absolutely break up with people you feel are disingenuous but, don't fixate too much on one dream and let it turn into a obsession. Cultivate solid friendships and work on being happy single, that way, everything will work out even if it doesn't go to plan.

I could have written this. 15 years ago, when I was 33, I split from a partner of 13 years due to non-commitment. Met my lovely husband online when I was 35 and we've been married for 12 years now with 2 DC. You will meet someone - you have to kiss a lot of frogs..

I got divorced at 33. Met now dh at 35, married 37, ds at 40. You're still young and have lots of time.

I’m newly single at 47

I was in a similar situation when just a slightly younger than you. Met dh just a few weeks later (too soon if I’m honest! Would have been nice to decompress properly). Had two kids in my late 30s. Now 47.

well done for leaving your ex. A male friend was in the situation of your ex and was eventually persuaded to marry his gf that he didn’t want to- it’s sort of worked out to a point but really a far from ideal situation and both of them know it. You deserve to find the right person.

Well done for leaving. You will go through tough times but try and focus on that. Sometimes you need to remember that where you are now is better than where you would be if you stayed.

I'm 39 and still single after leaving my husband almost 2½ years ago (he was my first partner and we were together almost 17 years). Bit rubbish that only 1 man has ever wanted to date me, but I'd rather go through the waves of emotion I do than be with a husband who disrespected me enough to be unfaithful.

I’m sorry to hear this. I was in this position 10 years ago and since then I’ve moved country, met several people but then someone special, new job and friends. See it as a wonderful opportunity.. know it hard at the minute but it can and will be what you make it.. use that inner strength girl xx

Sending strength. It gets better.

I left a 10 year relationship at 34, due to lack of commitment. After a few months of absolute despair, I focused on my career, froze my eggs, and took lots of evening classes to stave off the loneliness. I got 3 promotions in 3 years, and made some lovely friends through my new hobby.

I also started dating with intention again after a while. I’m now 37 and getting married later this year. I promise it can happen, and that you’ll also be ok if it doesn’t.

I did this at 35, a few weeks before the wedding. Was horrible at the time but now the best thing I ever did. I’m writing this at 41 now with my toddler sleeping next to me.

@BirthdeighParteigh similar here, my career really took off because I didn’t waste so much time imagining a future with someone that wasn’t on the same page.

@SadTexanChick
My auntie adopted at 44 as a single mother.
She left her ex of 16 years at 42 after being stung along - DA is now 61 my DN is 19 nearly.
Of cause it hurts, it will get easier, stay strong keep planning nice things, try not to snap - apologise where needed.
Keep going 💪
Well done your for doing what may don't.

You did the right thing. You’d never have been happy with him, not really. And now you’re have an amazing opportunity to start afresh. That’s really exciting..
Give yourself some sympathy. Breakups are really hard and it’s normal to be feeling shit and numb. I read somewhere it takes a year to even feel ‘ok’. Then soon enough you’ll feel happy again.

Babe, it’s been 2 weeks. You’re in a full breakup meltdown mode right now, you’ll be emotional and not thinking straight. I remember what that feels like. It’s a confusing time. Crying, breaking down, all that is normal, especially if he kept you on an emotional rollercoaster for years.

This will pass.

I was single at 33, also not realising how low being in a relationship can drag your self-esteem.

My other objectively gorgeous friends don’t even realise how amazing they are, there’s something about being in a relationship, unless your partner totally adores you, that makes women blind to how beautiful, bright and worthy they are.

I’m now 35 and absolutely living my best life. I look way better than any other age, too. I’m getting attention and commitment from men that are better than my ex in every possible way.

Depends on where you are, usually around your age is where men become very set on settling down and finding a life partner, so it’s a good age to be single and keep options open. I appreciate in some circles it’s earlier but modern urban professionals you’re looking at 35-40 for men.

Just focus on feeling better and happier, finding emotional balance, becoming the person you’d want to date. And that makes you irresistible to the kind of person you’d like to meet.

Don’t date now or go back to your ex. Far too vulnerable and you need to see that you’re able to make it alone first.

I needed this post!
my partner of 12 years has just left me at 32. I’ve not been ‘me’ for a while and while this has given me a shove up the bum, I feel the same OP. I never wanted kids and then over the past year ive begun to want them and I’m now mourning that it might not happen .
this thread has been so helpful seeing such lovely stories. Thank you. There is hope!!

It’s only been two weeks so give yourself a break. After three years I would have also expected them things. It’s better to have gotten out now than say stay with him and waste your time. Honestly you are still young and can still do all that with someone who also wants them things. After the initial shock you will feel a bit weird but change always feels like that. I was the same, completely heartbroken but realised the ex had did me a huge favour and quite frankly i started thriving after getting dumped. Just take your time. Keep busy and don’t text him.