Sex mode "on" or "off" can anyone relate?

[User27563]

Bf/DP of 18mos, in our 40s, both out of long marriages.
He is lovely and it's generally going very well.
We both have kids, live apart (but nearby) and don't intend on living together in the medium term.

One issue though...
I feel like for him it's either Sex Mode On or Off.
I love a bit of snogging, "heavy petting", touching etc, without it necessarily leading to sex.

We sometimes meet in our lunch break for sex and it's quite "down to it", we're on the clock obviously, but do have lovely chats and cuddles after.
I stay at his house EOW when my kids are away and often we'll start kissing and cuddling on the sofa and things will progress.

Aside from those sorts of times, if we haven't got the opportunity for full sex because I'm not staying over, or I've got my period, or whatever, there is affection but not much in the way of touching and kissing.

Can anyone relate?
Is anyone similar themselves and can help me understand?

I almost find that stuff hotter than full sex.
But is it a man thing where he doesn't want to get turned on if it can't progress?
I love the friendship element and our deep chats but at times can feel like we are “just” friends.

Or is it just an individual thing I wonder. He can be quite black and white about other things.

I'm going to bring it up but just wondered if anyone could relate.

The routine nature of our sex life is starting to affect my drive a bit. As a bit of a separate thing to the above I need to tell him I need a bit more of a build up.

Yes.. they don’t like getting blue balls, so I’ve always found it’s all or nothing. I love a good snogging session just by itself.

Hmm ok so is it normal?
Maybe I shouldn't bring it up then!

Blue balls really aren't a thing..

My last DP wouldn't kiss me or have any physical contact if it didn't lead to sex. He said 'but I might get an erection!!' like having an erection and not using it might lead to death.

He was a very silly man altogether. It made me feel as though I was only there for him to have sex with.

Well obviously they don’t really go blue, duh.

No need to use a childish comment on an adult forum imo.

There is when someone thinks they’re clever.

Yes it is

My ex was like this. I couldn't kiss him or be physically affectation without him wanting sex and being dissapointed when it didn't happen. This is unusual though in my experience with other bfs.

It was a problem for me and my ex. Particularly as he would get annoyed if it wasn't forthcoming. Which was a huge turn off.

It's not so much that, he'd never get sulky if it wasn't forthcoming,

It's more that I'd like MORE sexual touching and kissing, as a stand alone thing or little snatched moments, when sex isn't on the cards because of circumstances.

Can people stop saying snogging 😭

I too have a ridiculous hatred for the word 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I haven’t felt right since…. 😭😭😅

Blue balls as a euphemism for "I'm really turned on and will be disappointed if I don't get to have sex" is a thing. Blue balls as a euphemism for "Being turned on and not being able to have sex causes physical pain" isn't.

But don't men get the urge to touch a bum or do other touching and snogging lots of lovely kissing just for the enjoyment of that??

Men aren't identical. I love a snatched five minutes for a cheeky bum squeeze and a passionate kiss. I know other men who prefer to keep things more chaste until there's an opportunity to take it further. Similarly, women aren't identical. His previous relationship might have been with a woman who disliked being pawed at during the day. Not all women do.

If you have expectations for how he behaves towards you then tell him. He won't know otherwise.

I’ve taken to kissing on dates when we’re out and about. Get to enjoy kissing without worrying about getting (too) messy. Not sure what he thinks of it though.

Same for me and I think you’re right. There’s no snogging or touching unless sex follows - I think it’s fairly normal? I’m sure there’s couples out there that do kissing and other stuff without sex.

Sorry I said the bad word before reading the other comments! I actually hate it too but used it because the OP did.

I’m a woman, but I also find lots of kissing and touching frustrating if it doesn’t lead to sex. I get hugely turned on by kissing so avoid it myself unless about to have sex. Perhaps it’s the same for some men?

@BunnyisputbackintheboxBlue balls is a common term for epididymal hypertension. It’s not harmful but it causes aching discomfort what can last a few hours. For some individuals it’s mild but for others the pain can be quite unpleasant.

it’s not that hard to understand why some men would rather not have an unpleasant discomfort for several hours.

Blue balls isn’t a euphemism it’s a physical condition

Maybe your man hasn't had much experience of foreplay and his past relationship was just sex ? Just have a chat and tell him what you like/want and ask him the same. He might be glad of the opportunity to explore

No.

yes I'm another woman who likes the kissing and touching to lead to penetrative sex and can find it frustrating if it doesn't. my last male partner actually preferred the kissing and touching and preferred to be finished off by hand rather than penetration, we weren't very sexually compatible.
we're clearly all very different.

Yes, IME they do, if they are not total knobs. Very immature to act as if it must always lead to a shag.