Sex mode "on" or "off" can anyone relate?

[User27563]

Bf/DP of 18mos, in our 40s, both out of long marriages.
He is lovely and it's generally going very well.
We both have kids, live apart (but nearby) and don't intend on living together in the medium term.

One issue though...
I feel like for him it's either Sex Mode On or Off.
I love a bit of snogging, "heavy petting", touching etc, without it necessarily leading to sex.

We sometimes meet in our lunch break for sex and it's quite "down to it", we're on the clock obviously, but do have lovely chats and cuddles after.
I stay at his house EOW when my kids are away and often we'll start kissing and cuddling on the sofa and things will progress.

Aside from those sorts of times, if we haven't got the opportunity for full sex because I'm not staying over, or I've got my period, or whatever, there is affection but not much in the way of touching and kissing.

Can anyone relate?
Is anyone similar themselves and can help me understand?

I almost find that stuff hotter than full sex.
But is it a man thing where he doesn't want to get turned on if it can't progress?
I love the friendship element and our deep chats but at times can feel like we are “just” friends.

Or is it just an individual thing I wonder. He can be quite black and white about other things.

I'm going to bring it up but just wondered if anyone could relate.

The routine nature of our sex life is starting to affect my drive a bit. As a bit of a separate thing to the above I need to tell him I need a bit more of a build up.

This is how most straight men have sex if allowed tbh. I’m happy to have some quickies/maintenance sex but need it to be more involved at times

Off you pop cunty chops seems an appropriate mn phrase...

Pmsl they definitely are, I can assure you!

I know how you feel OP!

My DP is similar, he doesn’t like being left high and dry, whereas I really like it if we’re watching TV and get a bit frisky but then go back to watching the show! In the kitchen we’ll have a kiss and cuddle and if I try and take it any further he’ll be like “nooo I’ll get too excited”. Erm, that’s the point!

But we're not talking about enjoying quickies. A well rounded human of either sex can enjoy quickies, slower and more varied sex and showing physical affection towards your partner that is not sex/orgasm orientated. Sometimes the latter might make you horny without the opportunity or desire from your partner to take it further but so what - it doesn't kill you!

A happy update, had a chat about it last night
For him, blue balls or aching balls aren't a thing, he's fine with getting a bit excited and then it just sort of going back down 😆

He is up for more stand alone petting or the odd bum squeeze etc while we're doing other stuff like cooking together. He said it's a force of habit, and getting distracted by doing other things and loving just chatting too.
So all good, will see if anything changes!

What about what the people around you think?! Public snogging is grim. 🤮

I would bring it up. Sounds like you have a good friendship.
He probably just doesn't want to get turned on if he can't finish. It's pretty normal for men.

Sounds like different love languages.

I'm demisexual, and I'm very one way or the other - I might be really into it, or I might be so unbothered that nothing would turn me on. I'm poly and have two male partners - one is hypersexual and would have sex three times a day if possible, the other is demisexual like me and sometimes horny but sometimes just wants a cuddle. When I'm not feeling sexual, nothing would get me into a sexual mood but cuddles and intimacy are very welcome.