Toxic, elderly parent house sale nightmare

[Username9898]

Hi all. I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or just some sympathy? A bit of background - my relationship with my mother has been toxic and abusive since childhood (she was a single parent alcholic with mental health issues). I haven’t had any contact in the last 5 years and it was sporadic before that.
Fast forward to now, she’s a care home with no capacity due to dementia. I have lasting POA and 50:50 ownership of her now empty house. I wish I didn’t have either.

I am trying to sell the house - council disregard on her care home fees ends in July. A damp survey has just revealed major issues and basically it’s going to have to be re advertised to cash only buyers as it’s un-mortgageable. I’m concerned that no one is ever going to buy it. She doesn’t have any cash reserves to pay when the disregard ends and the house is low value anyway (and getting lower by the day as the damp gets worse!) that I’m not sure the care home will consider it as collateral against fees.

I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. I have PTSD from my childhood, which I’ve managed since going no contact with her, but now I’m pulled right back into her mess and chaos and I’m overwhelmed. I just can’t see a way out of this situation.

Are you an only child?

I am. There is no one else dealing with this.

You decided not to revoke it?

The council can put a charge on the house which you have to repay as soon as it sells, they are used to this please don’t worry. Talk to them

Try not to see this as her mess

instead see it as simply protecting your inheritance from an abusive person.

and price it right… it will definitely sell

Any house will sell for the right price. I saw a Welsh home with a fallen in roof full of 1980s tat sell for over £700k. In that case it sat on some land, the buyer just demolished it.

Just sell it as is. Try not to stress.

I don’t have any personal experience (although I do have a toxic mother) but I wonder whether selling the house at auction might be your best bet? This is the most common way that unmortgageable properties are sold in the UK. Perhaps Google a local property auction house and see what they can advise.

It sounds as though house clearance & then auction might be the best thing. A developer may be interested.

It will sell if the price reflects the work needed. Her care will be funded and then when it sells the council will claim her half.
Try not to worry there's nothing you can do at this stage. Sorry you've had such an awful time .

This. I'm 7 years NC from a highly toxic and abusive mother, so I understand how easily it is to get pulled back down. See this as something you are doing for yourself instead and try to minimize the time you spend thinking about. When you are taking action on it, it can be on your mind, but otherwise, try to set it aside and only focus on the more positive aspects of your life and other responsibilities.

If you're married, can you ask your DH to take over the handling of everything since he won't have any emotions tied up with the process?

I also had a very toxic relationship with my mother - alcoholism, abuse etc. She is now in a care home and lacks capacity, is running out of money but owns two properties. I had LPA but was struggling so much with my own mental health and issues with her were taking over my life. In the end I decided to relinquish the LPA. There's no one other than me to take this on so the responsibility is back to social services now. My understanding is that they also lack resources to sort this all out so it'll be passed on to a private law firm, who will no doubt charge a fortune. But I don't care. I don't have to see her again / resolve this mess and I can live my life happily with my own family.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have to do any of this, and you are allowed to look after yourself

@Soyfinger revoke my POA? I have kept it as I thought it would make the house sale easier. But actually it’s more complicated as I can’t act on my behalf and hers… The reason it’s in both names was to protect me - my grandparents owned it previously.

There is just so much to do and it’s problem after problem. I finally thought the end was sight as it’s been emptied, the estate agent is marketing it, paper work for the auction is all done…. And now the damp makes it potentially unsellable. I’m likely to walk away with less that £40K (which I know is nothing to be snippy about but I’m not sure it’s worth the stress).
I’ve spent 35 years parenting her and picking up the pieces of her life. I have a family of my own now and I want to enjoy them. But I’m back, sorting crap out for her, and I just want out.

Bung it on at price EA says reflects the massive damage and unmortgable and you want a quick sale price

it will go

I’d want something un mortgageable and ridden with damp off my hands. And fast. And definitely before winter hits.

@Violetmouse I want to revoke my POA but I thinks it’s just too conflicted now because I’ve started the selling process while still having it… and as @Soyfinger says I want the (damp!) house I own half of gone ASAP. I worry that revoking it now will slow the process down. I haven’t lived in it since I was 17 and certainly didn’t understand the implications of becoming joint owner when I signed the papers at 19… The care home suggested it would cost a grand in legal fees to put a charge on the house.
And there’s a million other things as well - benefits overpaid with the DWP, electricity company debt….. I spend hours every week on the phone.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. Huge hugs to you.
I would contact her house insurance if she has any ( sorry if this has been mentioned before)
if she’s been paying house insurance then they should pay out to sort it .

when you say damp issues what do you mean as these are often quite easy and not too expensive to fix and definitely wouldn’t deter me as a buyer.

but the insurance company is the way to go to get the house back to value .

has she a file of papers somewhere?

sorry this is going to trigger you. But throw open some windows whilst you are there put some ear pods in .
only stay in for thirty mins at a time.

much love

Thanks @MyLittleNest Last week, when I thought the end was in sight, I was really positive about what I might do with my ‘inheritance’. I’d like to go on a residential cooking course! And learn to brick lay 😂 But it all just seems a bit hopeless right now.

So…. Price to sell and get it off your hands

so what if you have to pay a grand to get a charge on it (it’s no where near a grand)

@Woofie7 thankfully the house is empty! That job was actually very cathartic!
The problem is basically rising damp as a result of badly done damp course. I have no idea when or who did the damp course but they fucked it up apparently. I doubt I can claim on the insurance as 1- I think it’s been a problem for some time and they’ve not been informed of it 2- she has very basic insurance as she was previously insurance due to unpaid premiums and 3- the property has been empty for some while and I have no proof that it hasn’t occurred since then.

Put the house up for auction. It will sell and will be quick and easy.

Stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. A residential cooking course sounds lovely and very well deserved! Print out a brochure and look at it every time you get pulled back into that darkness...

You will get there!!

Agree, I did this with my mothers’s house and got a fair price for it.

An auction would be the quickest and cheapest option. You won't get much for it but it will be gone in 30 days, flat fee and they use their own solicitor.
An insurance claim might take months and a lot of work and dealing with the company. Either choice will do depending on what you feel you can cope with.

A damp problem is nothing for a property developer. As others have said just auction it, get rid asap.

Insurance is out of the question

I speak as someone with 19 years insurance experience