How to tell your children that you cheated?

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This is the crux of the issue, although it's a little more complicated than that as one child already knows as they read through my Whatsapp messages with my ex DH and confronted me. They want me to tell their sibling so they both know the whole story of why their parents divorced. Children are 13 and 16 and been divorced 3 years. I never guessed my youngest DC would go through my message history, but apparently they were searching for answers about when and how the relationship failed.

I think I need to give a little context so this isn't a drip feed, and I need some advice on how much I share with older DC.

My marriage has mostly been happy, were together for about 15 years, had children and while DH was a good father and we were good friends there had always been certain issues. He was lazy, did nothing around the house to the point that when I needed to go away for a week for work about 10 years in I had to write down instructions incase he had to use washing machine. That's on me, I should have pushed back more. Then there were the cutting, sarcastic comments, little jokes at my expense that as the kids got older they began to copy. And the sex had always been awful. I'd always meant to address it, say what I needed, say I wanted to feel desired and actually receive pleasure, but somehow I could never find the words.

Until, one day I did. I said what I felt, and needed and was told that he didn't like things any other way than the way they were, and if I wasn't happy I could leave. And that meant breaking up my family and I wasn't brave enough, or felt I had any support systems or finances to do that. So I backed down.

He made me feel really unattractive, wouldn't touch my body even during sex. I don't know how I put up with it with so long, but I had. And one night I took his hand and put it on my body, and his erection immediately disappeared and something in me broke. I sobbed while he slept and knew I needed more, needed to feel at least once how it would feel to be wanted. It seems self indulgent I know, but at the time my mental health was in tatters, and I felt trapped by my need for this, and not wanting to destroy my children's lives. So I went onto a website and met someone in a similar situation and spent the next 9 months in an affair. It was all consuming, wonderful, awful, living two lives. And I went to therapy to understand how I'd ended up there.

My AP decided he had to work on things with his wife, and we ended things. And I knew that without an affair I couldn't bear my marriage. I had tried, DH continued to want sex, I made excuses because the idea of it gave me panic attacks. I blamed menopause,sleepless children, anything.

He complained, and in the end broke into my phone one evening and then confronted me. The affair had ended by that point, I had already decided I had to leave and told him so. There was justified anger, messages about me being a slut, and then he wanted us to work through it, do therapy together although when I had suggested it months before he'd refused to. I left, and we co parented. Over the last few years he's told the kids the divorce was all my doing, hinted to the children that I did a very bad thing. And I've known one day I'd have to be brave enough to admit to them what I did.

He's got a new partner, I'm single still.

I should have left before I cheated, and while I have never regretted leaving my marriage, I do grieve for the years I had with my family unit as one.

I'm terrified my eldest will hate me for cheating. How do I have this conversation in the next few weeks? How much or how little do I share, or would it just seem like me trying to justify the u
njustifiable?

Honestly you need to just own up to what you did.

The other stuff comes across as you trying to justify cheating on your partner and that is a VERY dangerous message to teach your kids. It is never okay to have an affair, you leave a relationship if you aren’t happy- that’s what your children need to be raised to know. Not that it’s somehow okay to cheat if you’re not happy.

Ok, so. 1st of all your child went through your private messages and is now blackmailing you?! Have a strong word with him about that.
Ideally no one should have affairs but it’s as common and as old as the hills. You aren’t a terrible, unforgivable person. Shit happens and whilst it might not be justifiable it’s better to have done it to someone who treats you and makes you feel like shit than someone who really doesn’t deserve it. If you do have to explain it to them now then the context is important. That yes you did a really reallly bad thing because you were lonely and sad but didn’t want to break up the family. That you knew you had to tell ex eventually and divorce him. Explain that this is not something that happily married people do etc etc.

It's actually none of their business and I don't get why parents have to explain things like this to their children. You split up because your marriage wasn't working for you and you weren't happy. This trying to aportionate blame or explain the dynamics of a marriage to anyone, including your children, should be avoided. It's between you and your ex.

Exactly this. Your child has absolutely no right to go through your phone, and I don't understand why you are apologising and almost abasing yourself to them.

Explain that you did the wrong thing whilst unhappy, and that it's always better to be honest in a marriage. End of!!

I agree, and originally he was adamant that the children never know what has happened and that we had just decided that we no longer worked as husband and wife. For what ever reason his anger seems to coming out still and wants make sure I'm seen as the one to blame.

It's not blackmail, it's my youngest not wanting to hold onto this knowledge alone

Explain to your child that you did a shitty thing because you were in an unhappy marriage and that you know you should have ended the marriage rather than cheating. Own up to your mistake, but make sure they understand that you were already very unhappy.

In your position, I would tell 13yo that they can tell 16yo if they want to, but that you won't be manipulated into doing so. Then give them a punishment for looking through your phone.

Firstly, your child was wrong to go through your phone.

It doesn’t matter what he found or what he knew, going through someone else’s phone is a breach of privacy and is a no-no and won’t be tolerated.

Secondly what happened in your marriage is none of his business.

You tell him that marriages end for a variety of reasons. Sometimes adults just aren’t meant to be together, but while you may have done wrong, the truth is that there are almost always two sides to every marriage breakdown, and so it’s not for him to know who did and didn’t do what, and for you to talk about it would mean pitting his parents against each other and that’s not something a child should need to go through.

Then you tell him that the discussion is over.

People will get up on their moral high horse here and say you need to come clean, that there’s no justification etc.

The fact is that affairs are rarely black and white. And while it’s never ideal to have an affair, if it was that simple no-one would ever have one.

And despite what MN’ers say, it’s really not as simple as just leaving.

And he will use this to blame you for everything for years. Add in ritious self indignation, a bit of martyrdom, self pity, family moral judgement and teenage children lashing out and the narrative will always be to blame you. All the reasons and context as to why you made those choices will be lost in the noise. If it was him who had the affair it would be that you pushed him to it and he was so unhappy, of course. And forgotten within a few months.

Exactly this! This is what is happening, I'm been portrayed as a bad mother and morally corrupt, and he's holding the threat of exposure of my secret over my head

Generally speaking I agree. But OP’s younger child knows, and it’s a lot to expect that child to keep it secret from their sibling. So I think OP has to tell them, not because she owes her eldest an explanation, it because she owes her youngest. I agree the child was wrong to go through the phone, and that would be a separate conversation. I just wouldn’t have a situation where one child was in the dark, and the other child felt they had to keep it secret.

I think this is a great response. Don't shut them down totally, and make sure its made clear it's unacceptable to go through your phone, but with understanding at their anger, and love, and also making it clear you aren't going to answer questions because sometimes even if we think we need to know things, we don't. Quite a tightrope to walk.
I don't think you sound like you are making excuses at all btw, I think you were explaining in your OP the state of you and your childrens lives so noone here thinks you were in a perfect happy marriage prior to this, which is important because kids do remember tensions at home no matter how hard we think we hide them!
And also, even though people on MN generally think you should be stoned to death for an affair - they do happen, much like any other mistakes we make in our lives, and dealing with the repercussions is part of that.

playing devils advocate here, my marriage has very recently broken down and I can understand why your Ex doesn't want the blame if it wasn't his fault. What happened to mine wasn't my fault in any way and I feel angry that we have to keep a neutral front and say no blame, but that's what we'll be telling the kids. They are too young to understand just now, but it will come out in the future and right now I just have to be the bigger person

I never agree with cheating. Ever. If you’re not happy then you should leave.

But your post made me feel so sad for you op, I hope you won’t spend the rest of your life blaming yourself. People have cheated for much more selfish reasons than you have.

I agree with previous posters who have said your dc was entirely in the wrong for looking through your personal phone. That’s totally out of order and needs to be addressed.
We give everything to our children. But we do not owe them complete transparency when it comes to our private lives.

You do not owe them an explanation in my opinion. You were in an unhappy marriage and it ended, for the sake of everyone. That’s all they need to know.

13 is a very delicate age. We all remember feeling that the world was against us and looking for answers to our feelings, so I don’t blame your dc for feeling like they ‘deserve’ an explanation. But they don’t.

I would pre-empt the ex telling them by having a talk with both children together. You can explain without going into detail that the marriage was unhappy for a long time and that you had a relationship with someone else when you were feeling at your lowest, which you very much regret. Tell them that you know it was wrong to start a relationship with someone else but that is not the reason for the marriage breaking down.

I think you need to allow them to feel angry, hurt and upset. This is only natural. As long as you have a strong and loving bond with them, they will come through it. Ideally, I would say that it's never a good idea to go into too much detail about why marriages end to the children but the cat is out of the bag with your youngest so you do have to address it.

firstly I think your child was out of order, intrusive and perhaps colliding with their dad in an unpleasant way. Yes you are their mum but you are also your own person and shouldn’t apologise for wanting to be happy.

Be really clear that you were un happy in your marriage - they don’t need gruesome details and that you met someone else that didn’t lead to anything. Be direct clear and unapologetic - you want them to live in a happy and relaxed home and you don’t want to hurt them but you also need to do what is right for you.

I don't think I would even try explaining an affair to a child. No matter how much they feel they have a right to know every little detail about you, they don't. You'd also have to do too much bad-mouthing of the other parent to explain why you took comfort elsewhere for a while.

I think I would actually be blunt and say that, whilst I understand your child wanting to know why you are getting divorced, it was unacceptable to search through your personal messages without your permission. In future, if he has a question, come to you and ask directly and you will do your best to answer. As to what you specifically say about the divorce - something generic like marriages can end for many reasons and whilst you and their dad tried to make it work for a very long time, it reached a point where you decided you would be happier apart. It doesn't mean you don't both love the kids and will continue to love them, you'll both still see them and support them etc. If they continue to press, tell them the truth - the adult details of your personal life are none of their business.

Don't be pressed into giving sordid details or bad mouthing their father. Try to remain dignified; it's all you can do.

This is definitely a cautionary tale of how 'staying for the kids' can go horribly wrong.

At 14 years old I knew more than I wanted to about my parents break up (my dad was an over sharer which I now better understand as trying to manipulate me) but I knew right away it wasn't my place to ever share with my sibling. I guess maturity will place a role in that eventually. I don't see it as keeping a secret either, it isn't my information to share and would cause bad feeling.

I would be absolutely livid at the 13 year old and I’d tell them that while they may think they are entitled to sit as judge and jury they most certainly are not, and their life experience is barely a drop in the ocean. That they may be smart enough to break into my phone but when it comes to life experience they have the IQ of a fucking newborn but are still too ignorant of life experience to know it. And if they insisted on blackmailing me and blaming me then have at it. You can’t control their actions any more than you can control their father’s sly digs.

I’d say that we have one life, and yours became unhappy for all sorts of reasons that they are not fucking entitled to know, and you may have made some decisions you would not have made in hindsight, but you have absolutely no regrets about leaving the marriage. The marriage ended because you were unhappy in it. It’s as simple as that. Not because your husband is perfect and you are flawed, but because that is life.

I’d say they I love them, but am incredibly angry with them and they should keep their distance from me for a few days.

Say that sometimes adults do the wrong thing and it has an affect on others. You are sorry but you can't change the hurt it caused to others. Explain that it is not acceptable to read someone's private messages and it is particularly not acceptable to then attempt to blackmail them over it. Behaviour like that is also wrong and we can all learn from this.

My dd aged 13 knew I'd cheated didn't care tbh. Dd aged 10 doesn't. Anyways if he's blackmailing u. U say when me and dad split i was very unhappy and met another man i regret what I did and I apologise for the impact this had on you but we are much happier now

Youngest knows it was wrong. But it's telling my eldest that worries me as they have strong views on cheating, having had their first BF cheat on them (in a teenage way)

But ‘mum had an affair’ isn’t actually why your marriage ended. It was the final thing. So he’s not really mature enough yet to engage with this. No criticism, I’m not sure the average 13 year old would really be able to grasp how marriages work - and fail - and what you’ve written here. Probably cos most of it isn’t appropriate to tell them. So since you can’t in good conscience fully explain the context for your affair, you’re a bit stuck - ‘telling the truth’ can quickly become over-sharing.

I think your DH has been selfish, hinting darkly because he’s angry. He’s forgotten kids’ relationships with their parents are distinct from
their parents’ relationships with one another and both parents do best by their kids if they remember that. It’s not good for them to ‘blame’ you even if he does.

I don’t think it’s okay to have an affair, but I agree with PP’s that reasons aren’t really necessary for kids. Not because the breakdown of their parents’ marriage doesn’t affect them, but there’s no age-appropriate way (right now) for them to get a full picture of human relationships and process an affair in an informed way. People make mistakes, it’s usually not all one way, and they’ll find that out, but if you say anything like that it’ll no doubt be seen as minimising and justification.

I think I’d probably tell my son it’s up to him what he tells his brother, it’s not a secret now, but since it’s not right for you to go into the details, you won’t be. I’d be displeased about him invading my privacy but I can also remember needing to know.

If you have a friend, sibling or parent who knows what happened and might be able to give a balanced but not detailed overview, without championing or vilifying either parent, maybe you could get them to speak to your sons?

I would explain that your relationship with their father is actually quite a private thing that you don’t need to share with other people. What you will share is that you were both unhappy at times in the marriage and that you tried to make it work. Ultimately you did meet someone else and you know that it wasn’t a kind thing to do to have an affair, but it showed both you and your ex that you would be happier apart. And now he has new girlfriend, and you have your happy life with them. Mistakes were made, but actually the ins and ours are quite complicated and private.