How to tell your children that you cheated?

[UndoRedo]

This is the crux of the issue, although it's a little more complicated than that as one child already knows as they read through my Whatsapp messages with my ex DH and confronted me. They want me to tell their sibling so they both know the whole story of why their parents divorced. Children are 13 and 16 and been divorced 3 years. I never guessed my youngest DC would go through my message history, but apparently they were searching for answers about when and how the relationship failed.

I think I need to give a little context so this isn't a drip feed, and I need some advice on how much I share with older DC.

My marriage has mostly been happy, were together for about 15 years, had children and while DH was a good father and we were good friends there had always been certain issues. He was lazy, did nothing around the house to the point that when I needed to go away for a week for work about 10 years in I had to write down instructions incase he had to use washing machine. That's on me, I should have pushed back more. Then there were the cutting, sarcastic comments, little jokes at my expense that as the kids got older they began to copy. And the sex had always been awful. I'd always meant to address it, say what I needed, say I wanted to feel desired and actually receive pleasure, but somehow I could never find the words.

Until, one day I did. I said what I felt, and needed and was told that he didn't like things any other way than the way they were, and if I wasn't happy I could leave. And that meant breaking up my family and I wasn't brave enough, or felt I had any support systems or finances to do that. So I backed down.

He made me feel really unattractive, wouldn't touch my body even during sex. I don't know how I put up with it with so long, but I had. And one night I took his hand and put it on my body, and his erection immediately disappeared and something in me broke. I sobbed while he slept and knew I needed more, needed to feel at least once how it would feel to be wanted. It seems self indulgent I know, but at the time my mental health was in tatters, and I felt trapped by my need for this, and not wanting to destroy my children's lives. So I went onto a website and met someone in a similar situation and spent the next 9 months in an affair. It was all consuming, wonderful, awful, living two lives. And I went to therapy to understand how I'd ended up there.

My AP decided he had to work on things with his wife, and we ended things. And I knew that without an affair I couldn't bear my marriage. I had tried, DH continued to want sex, I made excuses because the idea of it gave me panic attacks. I blamed menopause,sleepless children, anything.

He complained, and in the end broke into my phone one evening and then confronted me. The affair had ended by that point, I had already decided I had to leave and told him so. There was justified anger, messages about me being a slut, and then he wanted us to work through it, do therapy together although when I had suggested it months before he'd refused to. I left, and we co parented. Over the last few years he's told the kids the divorce was all my doing, hinted to the children that I did a very bad thing. And I've known one day I'd have to be brave enough to admit to them what I did.

He's got a new partner, I'm single still.

I should have left before I cheated, and while I have never regretted leaving my marriage, I do grieve for the years I had with my family unit as one.

I'm terrified my eldest will hate me for cheating. How do I have this conversation in the next few weeks? How much or how little do I share, or would it just seem like me trying to justify the u
njustifiable?

I think the only thing you can do here is take it on the chin and be open that you had an affair. Don't try to justify it by saying your marriage was going bad, it's never an excuse to cheat. Fully admit that you know what you did was wrong and deeply regretable (even if you enjoyed it!).

But do tell them that your marriage was about to end anyway, the affair wasn't the cause of it (proof of that is your ex wanting to stay together afterwards, so it would have been easy for you to go along with it rather than leave). And you didn't leave to carry on with the affair partner either, so that also indicates the affair wasn't the cause of the marriage breakdown.

Being blackmailed by a nosy 13 yo DC is a bad place to be in! If you dig deep enough, you'll find a skeleton almost anywhere. They must've gone through a lot of your messages to uncover that particular skeleton.

I’m with @W0tnow. Also I feel that if you mention this affair the children might see the man as too important and wonder if he’s coming back, etc.

You need to claw back some authority over this situation. Your ex treated you horribly, and I think the way he behaved in your sex life was just as reprehensible if not more so than what you did. I bet he doesn’t want you ‘hinting’ to the kids that he sexually degraded you, does he. You need to release yourself from some of the guilt feeling here. Yes, society has a clear moral code on affairs and less so on the stuff your ex was doing. But you do know that he behaved like a total wanker and still is relating to you in a dehumanising mode of bitterness.

Tell the 13 year old that that’s not the cause of the split, just one of the horrid things that happened towards the end, and that the detail is not their concern.

There is not excuse it is cheating so own it

lol. 🙄
OP absolutely does not have to “own it” or explain herself to anyone.

I disagree with previous posters who say ‘firstly’ the child was wrong. The cat is out of the bag, so I think an honest conversation has to be had and you have to explain that what you did was the wrong way to end the marriage, and with hindsight you would have done things differently. And where you are now is the consequence of a wider context, and how mum and dad were better off separating although you went about it the wrong way.

The conversation about the wrongness of going through the messages is very much a ‘and lastly’ conversation to have at a later date.

Kids are curious, they break boundaries, we teach them, but we don’t use it as a starting point in an important conversation like this.

I wish you well.

My first observation is that your ex looked through your phone messages and discovered your affair, and now one of your kids has done the same. Why haven't you got a pass code on it?

your children don’t need details or justifications. Explain that you and your ex had serious problems. Admit that you lacked the courage to end the marriage and entered into an affair. Admit that part was a mistake, but not the actual divorce.

Honestly, no one in a happy marriage cheats. That’s a sad thing but true.
The sad breakdown of a marriage is too nuanced and private for your kids to be told every titbit. I would say that you are unwilling to discuss the failings of their father or yourself & leave it at that.
there would also be consequences for invading my privacy.
no one is without fault in the breakdown of a marriage. No one is the good person or the bad person.
marriage include many vows. Not just the forsake all others. Some people are all too happy to break the others and then act with indignant piety to those who then cheat. Hypocrisy at its finest.

You don’t owe minor children an explanation, and the one who went through your phone deserves severe punishment.

It was his.fault. He broke the OP way before affair and refused her attempts to try to fix the relationship or go to counselling. He was an emotionally abusive and destroyed the OPs self esteem to the point she didn’t have the confidence to feel she could leave. The affair to me is by the by. Something the OP needed to do to give her her confidence back to leave. The marriage was already dead. If her DH is bothered by the affair then that’s his ego because he didn’t treat the OP like he loved her at all.

OP the fact you have responded to your child like this shows that your confidence is still not where it needs t be. Hopefully you can use some of the advice on this thread to reframe the conversation with them. It’s not ok for them to blackmail you in this way and get involved in your relationship breakdown like this. It’s actually nothing to do with them why you broke up. The only thing children need to know is that they are still loved and it’s not their fault.

Vilifying yourself over this affair needs to stop. In my mind, what your ex did was way worse - emotionally abusing you for years and destroying your confidence. The affair was the symptom, not the cause of your marriage breakdown.

This. Refuse to engage.

As someone who’s mum cheated and I found out at a similar age to your youngest you do need to deal with with sensitivity. Pp saying you should tell them it’s none of their business and nothing to do with them have not lived this. This was the defining moment of my adolescence and changed me as a person.

In my situation I found out about the affair and didn’t tell anyone for fear of breaking up my family. It was such a lonely experience and I felt I had all the responsibility on my shoulders. Even though your marriage has now ended I understand why your child wants their sibling to know. They feel like the secrecy and lies are continuing.

I would have empathy for your child. Having your family breakdown is extremely hard and it’s understandable they wanted to know why. Especially with your ex alluding to the fact it was your fault. I agree that you need to tell them that reading messages is a breach of privacy but I would caveat that with how you understand how much this has impacted them and they wanted answers.

With your eldest I would be open. Tell them you had an affair as you were unhappy in your marriage but this was very wrong and you regret the hurt you caused your ex. Tell them you know you should have ended the relationship once you knew the problems in your marriage couldn’t be fixed but you didn’t want to break up their home. You acknowledge that this happened anyway as a result of your affair but that it would have happened regardless because the marriage wasn’t working. Accept their feelings and acknowledge they have the right to be upset. What you did wasn’t ok and you regret the hurt caused.

I really resented my mother during my teenage years. My parents eventually split (not because of the affair). But once I told my mum I knew about her affair, the weight was lifted and I moved on with my life. However she never accepted responsibility although she apologised for the absolute minimum. I would have respected her more if she had owned it. Now I am older I recognise she wasn’t happy, and I know she is human and I don’t hold it against her.

Your child needs consequences for going through your phone. Explain that if he wants a reason ask. The reason is relationships are complicated and need maintaining and yours had been broken for years. There wasn't one thing that ended it and both you and DH made mistakes but your relationship details are private and you won't be discussing in detail because it's inappropriate.

Sure, punish a child who is going through emotional turmoil and struggling with the breakdown of their family. Sounds like a great way to promote a loving and open relationship with your child. Focusing on being in the right, and not on what your child needs, is not good advice.

The ‘how’ they found out is separate to ‘what’ they found out. It’s ok to state looking through someone’s phone is not appropriate but focusing on this to deflect from the ‘what’ is straight out of a cheaters playbook for not taking accountability.

OP should consider what lesson they want to teach their children. Do they want to teach them that having an affair is ok if you can justify it to yourself? That privacy trumps openness and accountability?

She doesn’t need to go into the sordid details, but acknowledging she was wrong, and regrets the hurt she caused doesn’t mean she’s fully culpable for the breakdown of the marriage. Her kids will be understandably upset but if she maintains a dignified acceptance of her part in the breakdown of her family over time as they mature they will respect her honesty and self awareness.

It’s a hard situation, and obviously it would have been better if they had never been exposed to it, but her children needed answers and went looking. That is understandable. Cheating affects the whole family not just the partner cheated on.

Just for balance, I’m just back to temper the “cheating is never ok” posts with my own declarations.

Fucking your wife like she’s blow up sex doll is not ok.

Deliberate, weaponised incompetence is not ok.

But jumping on another man’s dick for 9 months behind your husband’s back is🥲

Only when it’s a woman who has had the affair will you ever see people trying to defend affairs as “having two sides”😂

I think the simple truth stripped of all private details might be the way to go.
You were unhappy in the marriage because you didn’t feel loved or respected. But you weren’t brave enough to divorce then because divorce is hard and has a big effect on everyone in the family. Then you met a man who did make you feel loved and respected. Or at least liked and respected. And that lasted a while and then ended. Then their father found out and he was understandably very angry and sad, and so then he didn’t feel loved and respected in the marriage either. And so then you were brave enough to say you wanted a divorce. So from their Father’s point of view, you caused the divorce by having an affair and your point of view you wish you would have been brave enough to divorce before having the affair. And now you hope both of you are happier divorced than you were married.
Then it’s not their fault, adult relationships are complex and not their problem. Adults’ phone messages are private. Stop snooping.
Basic message is, relationships require love and respect. Your marriage with their father was missing those things, on both sides by the end. It’s better to be brave and break up a relationship that’s missing love and respect rather than have a affair in search of that from somewhere else, since an affair also destroys love and respect in a relationship.

It's none of their business and the issue here is them invading your privacy!

They don't need to know the whole story, and they need consequences for reading your messages. And you need better phone security.

@MrsSunshine2b “But jumping on another man’s dick for 9 months behind your husband’s back is”

Is it? I didn’t say that. You did. I’m a bit astonished you find this thread funny. Kind of in bad taste, no?

Thanks for all your comments. My DC going through these messages and confronting me (honestly, he felt really bad that he has looked I think, and slightly disturbed by what he had found) has brought up so many emotions. I have completely vilified myself for the affair, but thinking back I'm finding anger too.

I spoke to a mutual friend yesterday and she reminded me that my ex was adamant he never wanted the children to know about the affair, but that's really not how he's acting. It's been used as a form of control and having the conversation with my eldest will be hard but it will set me free.

Phone security ... Ex used my thumb print while I slept.

DC asked to watch YouTube videos as his phone was dead.

No one is saying you should be proud of your actions. But don’t you dare wear a hair shirt for the rest of your life, no matter how much your husband wants you to. Or how much your child (at this point in time) thinks you should.

Honestly, no one in a happy marriage cheats. That’s a sad thing but true🥹

I’m sorry but it isn’t true. People cheat for all sorts of reasons in all sorts of marriages. This shit is just a way to try to justify treating someone badly by saying it was in fact kinda their fault they got cheated on. People telling their AP how awful their spouse is to justify their shitty behaviour is a tale as old as time.

OP I actually think it is natural children want to know why their parents got divorced, and giving your 13 yo a hard time for snooping is the wrong approach. That message does need to be conveyed but the main conversation needs to be explaining in brief terms what happened, and empathising with your child about the impact it has had on them, reassuring it doesn’t reflect how much you love them etc

So youngest is on my side, said he doesn't blame me (some of the messages he read were from a couple of months from before the affair was found out and were my ex complaining he was in a sexless marriage and how unfair it was)

I said nothing of the sort. I don't know who you think you're responding to, but it's not me.