Parent won’t accept boundaries and sibling not helping

[MorningSunlight]

My mother has always been hard work, she’s on her third marriage, falls out with everyone and always has some drama or another - she’s the epitome of someone who makes everything about her. On the surface she comes across as a sweet old lady who’d do anything for her family but it very much comes with strings attached.

I live around 2 hours from her - I moved away after uni for work. I’m divorced with my own house and a pretty full-on job which involves travel and a fair amount of responsibility. I’ve got 1 adult daughter. My brother lives 1/2 hour from her in the town we grew up in. He’s not married, has no kids and lives alone. He works a 9-5 type job and doesn’t drive currently. It’s becoming increasingly clear that despite the differences in our circumstances it’s me she’s choosing to rely on as she gets older.

Her health is not too bad but my SD’s is deteriorating. He does have some family but my mother has fallen out with most of them so support from that side is limited.

She has taken to guilt-tripping me every time we speak - how hurt she was when I moved away, how she wishes I lived nearer (even though she had the opportunity to move closer whereas I need to be here for work and my daughter) etc etc. I get she is lonely and life is becoming harder but why should all this be my responsibility?! I’ve been her shoulder to cry on since I was a teenager and I’m really tired of it. And my brother gets none of it.

She calls and texts at inappropriate times and I know I should just not pick up but what if one time it’s actually serious? And again it’s never my brother she turns to. He just gets away with it - when our dad died it was me that did everything and I can see it’s going to be the same going forward. There’s no point me talking to him as he just buries his head, or to her as she will just play the hurt bunny and make me feel like I’m in the wrong as usual.

How the hell do I deal with this? Women in our family live a long time and she’s only 80 🤦🏻

I think the grief that you are getting on here is because you are more concerned about making your brother do more (which isn't within your power) rather than you doing less, which is within your power. You just need to take the first step of deciding that enough is enough and setting your own boundaries that you stick to.

Yes that's a very good point - it's not so much that I expect him to do more as that my mother just assumes he wont and turns to me instead. My DC has recently left home and I'm divorced - I thought I would finally be free from someone else's life admin and problems after years as a mum and wife but now I'm expected to take it on for her.

I do get that I can put boundaries in place and I'm not ignoring the very useful advice people are giving but it feels bloody unfair that I have to.

Yes, that part is true. It's not fair to you that your mother has decided she's going to use you as a conduit rather than speaking to her other child, or trying to repair relationships with her husband's side of the family. Her isolation is a choice, and just as you shouldn't try and make your brother carry the can for your choices, DM shouldn't do that to you for hers. You are being singled out here.

So I think it's ok to be pissed off at the double standard. But be pissed off whilst you work on your boundaries, rather than as an alternative to it.

Why is it unfair that you have to put your own boundaries in place? Everyone has to. Yes, some people push at boundaries harder than others so more effort is required to maintain them, but everyone has to set their own boundaries and maintain them.

I suspect the problem is that as a female, you've been conditioned to "be kind", "put others first", "not make a fuss" etc and therefore you find the boundary setting process harder than a man who was conditioned to "be strong", "make sure your voice gets heard", "put yourself first" etc.

The answer is still that you need to set your boundaries. I'd urge you to do it, and get comfortable with saying no before the care needs really set in and the asks become much bigger.

My mother is/ was like this. I stopped helping her with things or arguing with her (as much, she started increasing her provocation to tempt me into an argument so there were still occasional times I lost it with her) and she eventually got bored and moved onto my brother, who’s now planning to move 100+ miles away. I developed extreme anxiety in relation to dealing with her and couldn’t cope with the constant prodding so eventually went NC for my and my young children’s sake. I hope you find a way through this OP, it’s tough, and I still second guess myself but overall I’m happier.

Bless you @MorningSunlight . You have absolutely no obligation to help her when she has gone out of her way to crush your spirit and make your life miserable.

Be free, block her forever if you need to, and feel absolutely no guilt (easier said than done, I know. I'm sorry). Alternatively, just limit the contact to interactions to help and support your SD, under your control and on terms you are happy with. You are an adult now, no longer the 7 year old, cowering in the corner from your mother's rage and spite (apologies - I make this allusion because it's what happens to me every time my mum starts on at me - I instantly revert to the little girl in the corner, frightened, confused and wondering how I can scramble to make it better and make her happy).

Honestly, with such people you would be doing the best thing for you and your loved ones by dropping the rope and not letting them drag you under. They are the architects of their own isolation. Cut them right off, block on all media and continue to enjoy your freedom. You owe them literally nothing. But I can understand why you might not be comfortable doing this and why you might want to continue to be there for your SD.

You could contact their local social services department and request an adult care needs assessment for your SD. They might be able to put in some support for him/your M, but you don't have to pick up the reins of care and intolerable burden for someone who has been abusive. It is right that there is some obligation, indeed honour and privilege, in supporting someone in old age or ill health who has been there and done the same for you when you were young and vulnerable. But if someone has perpetuated little else but misery and abuse during your younger life then I firmly believe that that relieves you of the obligation to step up and be their personal nurse/chambermaid/whipping-boy when they become less capable. You reap what you sow - maybe now is the time you can leave her to reap the harvest of the miserable existence she bestowed on you?

You might find a couple of the long-running threads on MN helpful to read. There is the "Stately Homes" thread here February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet so-called because the originator's parents were similar to yours but denied that their childhood was abusive because they'd taken them to National Trust properties.

The other recommendation is for the Cockroach Cafe - Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025 | Mumsnet a space where posters can get advice and support for dealing with elderly, often difficult and/or abusive, relatives. It is full of kind, understanding people who have been through it themselves and can offer wise support, practical solutions and empathy. They might also be able to help with suggestions as to how to get some more support and care in for your M and SD.

And pay no heed to those (on here or elsewhere) who pronounce themselves horrified that you could "ever speak that way about your parents". "You only get one mum" is a favourite standard, as is "I could never do this to my family, they gave birth to you!". Drown those voices out. Those people are lucky enough to have had normal, loving, healthy family relationships. They cannot understand the damage done by parents such as yours and will never get it, because happily for them they never had to. Their judgement and criticism of you is valueless.

And please don't blame yourself. This is NOT your fault. You sound like a lovely, strong person despite, not because of, your mother. I'm sorry that you had such a mediocre person pretending to parent you. It's not fair. It's OK to be angry and to grieve for the childhood you never had. But it wasn't your fault that they treated you like this. Block and don't look back, if that's what you want/need to do.

This is another helpful resource for people trying to do their best in similar family situations: Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD. In this case, "FOG" stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The sorts of things you feel when trying to pull free from toxic family like this.

Wishing you all the best for the future. x

Thank you @REP22 that's a very thoughtful post. My mother has had a lot of bad things happen to her so I dont feel it's entirely her fault she's like she is. My issue is that she flatly refuses to see that me and my brother also experienced those things and have been affected them - as I said above it's all about her, her feelings and her truth. But I find it hard to call her abusive or unkind because I dont think she means to be, she just doesnt know how to be any different.

As someone who was raised by a narcissistic mother, I was once in the mindset that I feel from these posts you are in at the moment. Your mother still has a very firm grip on you, and it seems that her guilt-trips are working. I made excuse after excuse for why my mother treated me as she did, got angry at everyone but her, and bent over backwards trying to give in to her endless demands, until my own health suffered terribly and I ended up in five car accidents and gaining four clothing sizes in one year--and that was the last year I was in contact with her. She too resented that I worked (or had friends, or even a husband, even though she was married, or that my entire life wasn't on her terms and at her disposal). I too have a brother who 1. had stronger boundaries than I did, and 2. walked away. I became more depressed, hopeless, and angry the longer this went on in my adulthood. I used to look at my future, five, ten years out, and it felt bleak, because I knew that every day would be filled with endless demands, negativity, and a complete lack of freedom. I used to feel that I would only finally be free to live my life when she was dead.

I can't tell you what to think or feel, but I will point a few things out.

1. Your mother will not change. Your brother will not change. Yes, it's easy to think that if your brother stepped up, you might be able to step back, but I don't think that's the case. My hunch is that your mother would expect just as much from you now because it doesn't seem like any amount of attention is enough to satisfy her.
2. Your mother called you on your honeymoon to tell you that you abandoned her by getting married. You need to have some real come to Jesus moments with the way these types of comments, lack of boundaries, guilt trips, and patterns impacted your life and if you will allow them to continue to do so. I think you know this is not normal. I doubt you have treated your own DC as such, or ever would.
3. You keep making comments along the lines of "I have no choice," "it's my duty," "because I have to." As everyone here has told you, no, you don't. This is your mother talking.
4. You are caving to all of your mother's demands right now and it still doesn't sound like she is content, grateful, or happy. What's the difference if you cut back or stop?
5. People like your mother will NEVER respect boundaries. It will never, ever, ever happen.

I could say a lot more but if you want to reclaim your life you will have to be the one who changes because they won't. As you said, this could go on for many more years, and it absolutely willor, more likelyonly get worse.

Again he chose to opt out and you can actually do so too. What would happen if you did. Also they aren't his responsibilities in the same way they are not your responsibilities. It seems clear to me that your mum knows exactly how to push your buttons and manipulate you. She can only do this because you let her.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you sound like a battered wife making excuses for staying in an abusive marriage. She is a grown adult, as are you. You were both mistreated as children, yet somehow you've gone on to live a healthy, functioning life and do a better job of raising a DC, while this gives her a pass to behave this way indefinitely? She is stuck in a victim mode, but that doesn't make her one.

(Her exact words - you know what he’s like, he’s a bloke etc etc)
so do 50% of what she needs and leave 50% because she created that situation herself by raising him that way.

really though she sounds quite toxic and I think there’s a lot of other issues here. You’ve been trained to answer her every call, and your brother has been given a free pass. He’s decided to not be your mums servant and she sees him as the golden child anyway and instead of changing what you’re doing or seeing her as the problem you make lots of excuses for her and blame him.
you’re trying to be a good person and do the right thing and that’s admirable, but I think maybe you need to unpack some of the dynamics here

That is true - often the face of the abuser is in the abused. But we do have choices. I choose not to treat children as I was treated, just like you have been a decent parent to your DC, despite the way you were raised. Hence your sorrow and other feelings too, really. If you were nothing but the product of your upbringing, you wouldn't care two hoots what happened to your M and SD, stuff 'em. But you do care. You do want to help. Because you are more than just the sum of the bad things that happened to you. You are a good person who chooses to say "no more. This cycle ends here." and you continue to want to step up and help despite the overwhelming burden it is placing on you.

There are some things which may explain why your M is the way she is. That doesn't necessarily excuse them though. Not all kids who are raised in estates with heavy gang influences grow up to be knife-wielding troublemakers; not all abused children grow up to be child abusers. At some point, your mother had choices. As, indeed, she is - right now - choosing you and not your brother to be the target of her demands and frustrations - that's a choice too. Her choice today is to persecute you and not your brother. That choice can't just be because of how she herself was raised, despite all that has gone before.

You can choose to protect yourself and say (if you want to), "I will help with this but no more." Then feel free to block her communications. Just don't answer. She can get the basic help and support needed, but is then left to hurl her bile and abuse into the empty night sky, where it can't hurt you anymore. xx

I do, really sincerely, hope for better times ahead for you. x

Therefore it’s only you can change it. I can hear a “I have to” but you don’t. You can also choose

You are a good person who chooses to say "no more. This cycle ends here.

I've said this so many times! And then it doesnt 🤦🏻

I just feel a bit 'Prince Harry' and as though I'm not trying to make issues out of the past because the present doesnt suit me. She comes across very differently to how I see her and I dont know if it's just me but I think it's more that the older I've got the more aware of it I've become..

People have given you some good advice here. Just step back otherwise it will completely tack up your life as your mother gets older. I have stepped back from my mother and am LC. It is very liberating. I have said this many times in MN but once again - hell would freeze over before I would let my adult children run round after me.

I can virtually almost guarantee that it is very much NOT "just you". Your M has worked hard to train you to view it this way and, sadly, it's what has evolved into what's normal and "this is just the way it is" for you.

With age, more life experiences and increased exposure to the "normal normal" of others, comes greater realisation. And the more distance you get, the further slips the filter of your M's influence - you can see things for yourself, and not through the barometer of her manipulation that it was "just you". It's often a horrible, sickening realisation. What we thought was right and normal was actually very far from it. Everything we thought we knew and understood was wrong or misinterpreted, and the person who should have been the anchor of love, wisdom and protection throughout was actually one of the sharks snapping around and biting chunks out of us. It's upsetting and hard to process sometimes.

But it's definitely not just you. x

I just feel a bit 'Prince Harry' and as though I'm not trying to make issues out of the past because the present doesnt suit me

That should say 'now trying to make issues'

All I hear from you OP is “yes but..”

you are complicit in the dynamic..all relationships are a dance

look up the drama triangle

Thanks but I don’t need some kind of psychology bullshit that just blames me, I was hoping for understanding and practical advice which some posters have been kind enough to give.

No no duty who has told you that? You are inventing stories to keep you trauma bonded to her.

quite agree, op you are doing all this stuff to avoid horrible guilty feelings that are like lead in your stomach, nothing will happen if you pull back , there won’t be a big thunderbolt that strikes you down, you’ll feel shit and then after a bit you’ll feel better then after a longer but you’ll think fgs why didnt i do this years ago.

So if you hadn’t shouldered the entire burden of house clearance, what would have happened?
You don’t know, because that wasn’t what you did, but perhaps, just perhaps, DB might have stepped up?

I’m more on your side of the duty spectrum than a lot of the drop-the-rope posters, I tend to think that they are quite heavily motivated by self interest, but I was appalled by your DM ringing you on your honeymoon; that really is a destructive selfishness.

My only suggestion is that it may be too hard to go cold Turkey, but you could make some rules about when to answer the phone etc. My widowed DM made a valiant attempt to get me to replace my extremely attentive and supportive DF (a position she did not reciprocate). So we never answered the phone before 9.30 am, or after 7.0 pm. That was our time. To counter balance that, I offered her a day a week to be devoted to her ( I was freelance, so I could).

I won’t say that she found this especially satisfactory, but DH and I did, and we mattered as much, not more, but as much.

I wish you calmer waters ahead. 🕊