Parent won’t accept boundaries and sibling not helping

[MorningSunlight]

My mother has always been hard work, she’s on her third marriage, falls out with everyone and always has some drama or another - she’s the epitome of someone who makes everything about her. On the surface she comes across as a sweet old lady who’d do anything for her family but it very much comes with strings attached.

I live around 2 hours from her - I moved away after uni for work. I’m divorced with my own house and a pretty full-on job which involves travel and a fair amount of responsibility. I’ve got 1 adult daughter. My brother lives 1/2 hour from her in the town we grew up in. He’s not married, has no kids and lives alone. He works a 9-5 type job and doesn’t drive currently. It’s becoming increasingly clear that despite the differences in our circumstances it’s me she’s choosing to rely on as she gets older.

Her health is not too bad but my SD’s is deteriorating. He does have some family but my mother has fallen out with most of them so support from that side is limited.

She has taken to guilt-tripping me every time we speak - how hurt she was when I moved away, how she wishes I lived nearer (even though she had the opportunity to move closer whereas I need to be here for work and my daughter) etc etc. I get she is lonely and life is becoming harder but why should all this be my responsibility?! I’ve been her shoulder to cry on since I was a teenager and I’m really tired of it. And my brother gets none of it.

She calls and texts at inappropriate times and I know I should just not pick up but what if one time it’s actually serious? And again it’s never my brother she turns to. He just gets away with it - when our dad died it was me that did everything and I can see it’s going to be the same going forward. There’s no point me talking to him as he just buries his head, or to her as she will just play the hurt bunny and make me feel like I’m in the wrong as usual.

How the hell do I deal with this? Women in our family live a long time and she’s only 80 🤦🏻

Mum: "you know what he's like, he's a bloke".

You: "having a penis does not exempt you from being able to help mum".

As others have said, it's up to you to set and enforce the boundaries. Yes you can help occasionally, but on your terms and when you're available. Maybe it is worth another conversation (face to face preferably) to set her expectations - you have a full time job which you love and need financially. You won't be giving it up or retiring early. If she's going to require more help than you're able to give, and brother isn't prepared to help her, then will she think about potentially moving to a retirement place, where there will be a community and more help at hand when she needs it. Remind her that times change - as has equality - and it's a fact of life that (due to work commitments) women are less available now for calls or caring responsibilities than they were (X number of years ago when she was caring for her own mother) and should not be the default option when there are two siblings.

I do far less than my dsis for my elderly mother. I live a few hours away. But actually she wasn't ever nice to me. I get annoyed that my dsis does so much because if she didn't, dm would move into sheltered housing. It enables her not to. Dsis will go round there for things dm can easily do but doesn't. Dm is a taker in life and uses this. She's also ungrateful and usually rude and abusive.

So I would be less available so that she thinks about a retirement community of some sort. I wouldn't dream of putting my dd under all this pressure.

No, there is no duty to be there for elderly parents. If they were kind and loving parents and you had a great relationship, they would be reasonable about the amount of time you could devote to them and they certainly wouldn't be doing what your mum is doing.

As other people have said, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. Tell her that she needs to stop calling you during your work hours unless it is an emergency. If she calls and you pick up and it isn't an emergency, you tell her that you won't be answering her during work time and she needs to call 999 or your brother. It's totally ridiculous that she has a son with no responsibilities who lives in the same town with a much less demanding job but she won't ever ask him for help and support. You needs to really pull right back and stop pandering to her.

What sort of mum was she during your childhood? Has she always favoured your brother?

Thank you, I was beginning to feel unreasonable about my brother! He’s 8 years younger than me and has always been a bit of a drifter but you know how people fall into roles in families - I’m the ‘reliable successful’ one and he’s the fun one you can’t rely on 🙄

Our childhood wasn’t great, both parents meant well but they had a lot of issues and we’ve both had to deal with that. I don’t entirely blame him for how he is but it annoys me he’s allowed not to step up but I get no choice.

OP, you have my sympathy, because my mother was horrible and manipulative, and I became her carer eventually, because no-one else would do it. But it was very much on my own terms.

My advice would be that you have to stop trying to change things out of your control ("my brother should help"), and focus on changing the things you can control.

Don't answer the phone if she calls during office hours, unless she texts first and it is of some urgency. Don't pick up if her timing doesn't suit you. If she begins trying to guilt-trip you, say 'sorry, got to go now' and hang up.

If there is a genuine emergency, someone will let you know. You are 2 hours away - you are not an appropriate person to call in the first instance.

If she wants to think badly of you, or badmouth you to others, let her.

And strangely enough, even the things out of your control often do change when you do this.

So you want your brother to dismiss his own boundaries because you can’t maintain yours? His being single etc is actually none of your business OP. You need to direct your anger and frustration at your mother, not your brother. Yes, men do tend to get the easy ride in these situations but that’s usually because women are prepared to martyr themselves. So drop the rope.

No we actually do not have a duty. That is something you have decided for yourself. And your brother has clearly decided that he does not. You cannot make your brother responsible for your choices.

Only 80 😂

My DM had these tendencies. I got to the stage where I said to her “we’ve discussed this, I’m not discussing this again so we can either change the subject or I will leave the room/finish the call” etc. I had to follow through a couple of times but after she realised I was serious it worked a charm…

This is excellent advice.
You cannot change the actions or mindset of your B or your M, the only person you can work on is yourself.

A saying that is attributed to Philippa Perry is helpful with elderly DPs , it’s something like “It’s always better to feel guilt rather than resentment.” Try making that your mantra.

My DPs are not toxic but recently their needs have become much greater. Meanwhile they will only accept minimal external input. I live an hour away and work full time. I am an only so nobody is going to pick up any of the slack. I have had to work hard to think about what is manageable for me, rather than providing what I think they need. If there are gaps I will suggest external support- the cleaner is chomping at the bit to do
more hours and they are loaded.

You need to think about what you would ideally like to offer on a sustainable basis and offer that . Simply start leaving the phone if she calls outside those times. Suggest she gets an alarm pendant as even if it was an emergency there is not a lot you can instantly do at 2 hours away. Reject the role she has carved for you, feel the guilt but also the relief.

Sounds like your brother has set and is maintaining healthy boundaries.

I'd suggest you do the same.

What I would do here is ask her to repeat back to you what you told her (i.e your terms and conditions that you'll answer her calls) and ask her "Did I say that you couldn't phone me? No. That's not what I said and you know that because you've repeated back to me what I had said".
If she persists you drop the rope and say "So what we're going to do now, is that you're not going to phone me for a week - if you have any issues, you're actually going to phone Brother instead. Even if he doesn't give you the time/attention, he is going to be the one you phone for the next week. So the new rule is that I get a week off having to answer your calls and Brother steps up. I will not be answering your calls next week. Then when you phone me the week after, we'll have new stuff to talk about"
Drop the rope. Do not engage. Don't suggest that she moves closer to you - distance is good here & works to your advantage. Get your brother to be more involved.

Does she ever ask about you and what you're up to or how your life is?

I frequently see this scenario and can only reiterate what others say, you need to set your OWN boundaries.

I am mid (late actually!) 60s with a very elderly parent. I am retired as are my siblings but the vast majority of support and care ends up with me .. I look at friends who are the same age same with parents still alive and it is nearly always just one (and mostly - not always - a daughter) who ends up taking on the responsibilities.

I can't make my siblings get more involved, I do make suggestions but they feel sending the odd inter flower bouquet (and who has to deal with the hassle of unwrapping the flowers, dealing with the packaging, arranging the flowers, disposing of them when dead etc etc ) - makes them child of the year!

I have to live with my own conscience - I do what I can and control my own emotions.

It always gives me a wry smile when people say they have more than one more DC as they will support each other when caring for an aged parent.....

Why bring her brother into it? He's set and is maintaining healthy boundaries. The issue is that OP is unable or unwilling to set and maintain her own healthy boundaries. That's up to her and nothing whatsoever to do with her brother.

I'm not sure my brother knows what boundaries are, he's just selfish and does what he wants, he always has. He works when he feels like it, isnt driving because he lost his licence and still manages to be seen as the good guy. I'm unsure why I'm getting grief here for struggling to deal with everything on my own when my mother has 2 children.

Yes she does ask about my life but usually uses it as a way to guilt trip me eg she asked how I was coping since my DC left home which led to the conversation about how abandoned she felt on my wedding day - which I already knew because she rang my on my honeymoon to tell me.

Because you do not have the right to dictate what your brother chooses to do or not do.

He has set his boundaries and is doing as much (or as little) as he wants. It is illegal to try to coerce someone into taking on caring responsibilities. He is perfectly within his rights to decide he doesn't want to take on any caring responsibilities at all, even visits or phone calls. He has set his boundaries, you need to respect them.

You need to set YOUR boundaries, which appear to be sadly lacking. You should only do what YOU are happy and willing to do. Worry about yourself and stop worrying about what your brother does/doesn't do.

It's because some of the things you're doing are an unnecessary rod for your own back. The solution isn't you expecting someone else to cover what you think is a fair share of tasks you've unilaterally decided should be done.

There isn't a way to reduce your struggle that doesn't involve you getting better boundaries. And fortunately, that's the aspect of this situation actually within your control. But you're not showing any understanding of that.

Regarding the 'selfish' comment, I once read "it's not selfish to live the life you want, it's selfish to expect others to live as you want" (or words to that effect). This always stuck with me and is worth remembering. Your brother is living as he wants to. It may not suit you, or your mother, but it is his right.

You need to stop telling yourself you have no choices here. You do. They may cause you some angst while you get used to saying 'no' and to putting yourself first but you DO have choices.

I feel, to an extent, as you do, that we should help our elderly parents but only up to a point. I spend 1 day a week with my mother and enjoy her company (mostly!) and I phone her 2 or 3 times a week. This is as much as I am willing to do. It's not that I couldn't do more, I could, I have the time but I don't want to. From time to time we go away together for a few days and, to be honest, we get on less well the more time we spend together - I love her very much but we are very different people.

My sister sees her 2 or 3 times a week - I don't know if this is entirely because she wants to or because she feels she should - we don't discuss it and if she were ever (I doubt she would) to put pressure on me to visit more then I would absolutely resist it. They were always closer though, since childhood, so I think it suits both of them and they are more similar in personality.

You can't force him to act. You can only control your own actions.

Can you try calling her every day at a set time? Then she knows to expect the call. Otherwise don’t answer her calls because you have other obligations.

Where I would start OP is setting some times where you're not going to pick up. Turn your phone off, onto silent or even temporarily block the number. If it's an actual emergency, not only could she phone 999 but there are also other relatives. If it isn't, then there's no issue.

Maybe just do this in baby steps initially, if that would help. Set aside blocs of time when you make yourself unavailable.

But you do have a choice ❤️

You don’t actually have to do anything. You can choose to but often escalates and takes over your life. I think it’s best to put your time into into scaffolding strategies. Can’t manage the shop, set up a weekly delivery, struggling to clean, garden, wash hair? Get in a cleaner/ gardener/ carer. Worried about emergencies have them sign up to a monitoring place. Struggle to financially maintain house, offer to help downsize.

The lasting solution to a problem isn’t going to be you so don’t fill the gap as then you are “abandoning” them. Strong boundaries and solutions that are third party based. If they have money and don’t want to pay that is a them problem. If they don’t then need to have a look at lifestyle / costs to prioritise paid help. If are really poor, overs 55s sheltered accommodation and assessed by social care for visits.

Being selfish is working for him so you should try it too. He doesn't feel any guilt about not supporting your mum. Neither of you had a great childhood and you have been at your mum's beck and call for years. You deserve a break.

You know that none of her calls are emergencies but you still answer during work time anyway. Tell her that your employer has told all staff that they are not allowed to make or answer personal calls during work time and you can't risk losing your job.

I think the grief that you are getting on here is because you are more concerned about making your brother do more (which isn't within your power) rather than you doing less, which is within your power. You just need to take the first step of deciding that enough is enough and setting your own boundaries that you stick to.