Affair

[Tennisstarfromteeside]

Hi I’m in a bit of a mess , I know I only have myself to blame
but I finished an affair which was long term because I found myself more unhappy than happy, I felt I wasn’t making the affair partner happy either so really thought it’s come to an end, and now I just want to move on with my family and never do that again. I done all the things like blocking and no contact but it appears I am being stalked.
where do I go from here?my partner doesn’t know and I’m suffering with anxiety terribly but I guess it’s what I deserve

Hmmmmm
affairs happen for a reason, not condemning you but you need to find what that reason is and address that.

Stalkers are cowards, either call his bluff & live with the consequences or call the police.

It depends if you are male or female….

female = keep quiet and hope he never finds out

male = own up and prepare for a divorce.

that’s the typical MN advice anyway!!

When you say "stalking" can you give more detail? Can you also state if the stalker is male or female because the level of physical danger you are in will be statistically different.

he Was a friend for a while and was at my house visiting while partner was at work and it started there I couldn’t resist and loved the buzz that has faded with partner
it went on a few years but I’m always in trouble if I do anything with my family , the grumpiness I face just brings me down but it’s ok for him to have a life with his family and it just got to the point we are just unhappy
so one little thing he said to me just tipped me over the edge
I ended it gently to say it’s not him it’s me and I just think it’s best we just let go and move on with our family’s I also said it would be last time he will here from me and now I’m being followed and he is coming to my house when partner is at work. I’m in a terrible state but I can’t exactly talk about it I’ve only got me to talk to

It's nice to see others see the double standards with this one. Ditto looking at phones and snooping.

Tell him to leave you alone or you will have to tell your husband everything. You might want to consider doing that anyway, face the consequences of your actions honestly.

This sounds like he could be dangerous. Your mention of "being in trouble" makes him sound very controlling. What's happening when he comes round?

You're going to have to take steps to keep yourself safe and that means you're going to have to confess to your husband. I would expect your relationship to end and have a plan of where you're going to go. You can at least give him the respect now, at the end, that you've not given him for the last however many years you've been bouncing on his mate's dick every time his back is turned.

If he’s likely to tell your husband it might be better you do so first. But then his wife will probably also find out. Is he worried about that?

Why does everyone instantly jump to the conclusion that he might pose a danger to OP? It's as if all men are terrible people after a break up...…

An affair lasting 'a few years' is utterly unforgivable, and you've put both yours and your DH health at risk ( assuming he is also sleeping with his DW )

Come clean, move out and file for a divorce. That will sort the 'stalker' issue and be kinder for your husband.

If you feel in danger currently then phone the police and speak to them about it. There are stalking helplines you can get advice from. Paladin is one I think it’s called.

Yep. Usually if a man has an affair he's a pig, he deserves to lose everything and it's all his fault. If the wife has an affair she was taken advantage of, her husband is probably to blame, keep quiet, he doesn't need to know.

Because a) he was giving the OP a hard time if she spent nice time with her family and b) he keeps turning up uninvited.

These suggest some degree of worrying behaviours no?

That in no way constitutes violent or dangerous behaviour IMO

Helpline

Go to the police and report him for stalking. You do realise this could all blow up in your face and probably will. A one off short affair is bad enough but you can't really explain away a 3 year affair.
Best to get onward plans, savings in order and be prepared ahead.

Make it very clear to him ONCE that if you see or hear from him again you will call the police and his wife will hear every detail about the affair. That you are prepared to tell your DH about it rather than feel blackmailed by him.

If he's going to make you feel threatened in this way then make it clear he will be throwing a grenade into his own life as well.

Ain't that the truth 😂

Tell him you will go talk to his wife if he doesn't leave you alone @Tennisstarfromteeside. Surely he doesn't want to risk losing her now that he has lost his mistress.
I do wonder how you can look your DH in the eyes though (unless he is cheating as well).

Oh dear op, you seem to have sounded the klaxon for the morality police and they are out in force.

Heres the real advice. An affair? Not a crime, no legal repercussions. Stalking? A crime, legal repercussions.

Go to the police before this escalates. Tell your husband - as long as he isn’t as unstable as your AP. Whatever you do you need to keep yourself safe.

And all you pearl clutchers - get a life man.

👏👏👏

Yeah, probably something to do with the patriarchal society we are all part of and how women are disadvantaged in numerous ways, including treated far more harshly in family court etc for affairs

👏 👏 👏
Being stalked is horrendous.

@Tennisstarfromteeside Make it crystal clear his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to stop and keep away from you. Make it clear that you will call the police and bring the whole thing out into the open if he doesn't stop.
If the threat of a grenade into his life doesn't stop him then you will have to call the police. That may or may not be something that can be done discreetly. If not you have to be able to face tour husband and he open about how this has occurred. Time for lies and secrets to stop, time to start living back in the real world. Good luck.

OP, you have made a mistake. It happens. Don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over it.

I'd tell him very clearly & concisely to leave you alone & if he doesn't, you'll report him to the police for harassment.

Make sure he's blocked etc on all platforms & document everything.

I'm getting the impression that the 'threat' being spoken about isn't a violent one, more that if she doesn't [something] he'll tell her husband.

This is obviously the risk with any affair. They ALWAYS have leverage over you, and could blackmail you at any time, particularly if you hurt them emotionally.

It's an affair... let the cards fall where they may.