Affair

[Tennisstarfromteeside]

Hi I’m in a bit of a mess , I know I only have myself to blame
but I finished an affair which was long term because I found myself more unhappy than happy, I felt I wasn’t making the affair partner happy either so really thought it’s come to an end, and now I just want to move on with my family and never do that again. I done all the things like blocking and no contact but it appears I am being stalked.
where do I go from here?my partner doesn’t know and I’m suffering with anxiety terribly but I guess it’s what I deserve

So you started the affair as it made you happy and ended it was it was no longer making you happy? Now the OM is having trouble accepting its over and you want him to go away so you can settle in and pretend nothing ever happened?
Ok… no advice but just sparing a thought for the partners involved. No one deserves that level of betrayal and over such a long period.
Should be DPs decision whether to stay or leave once he/she finally knows the truth. Not the cheating partners right or decision to make. Relationship built on a lie. Cannot imagine sitting or lying next to someone in good conscience knowing was leading a double life.
Who deserves such little basic respect? If it’s not working will never understand why people don’t just end it instead of wanting their cake and to eat it too.

You need to come clean. That is a long time to be having an affair. I would also report to police as stalking like that can quickly escalate into a dangerous situation. Your husband deserves to know the truth. It maybe the end of your marriage but that is the chance you took when you had an affair.

I think you need to tell your partner the truth. He needs to decide what to do next.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

I understand you were not happy in the relationship but why not just tell your partner before cheating?

Then if your partner is unwilling to help / work on the relationship then you can tell him and end it first

I think you should tell your husband. It’s not fair on him.

Oh, dear...

Woman comes on Mumsnet and says she is being stalked by an ex lover and is potentially in danger. Fellow women tell her to confess the affair to her husband because he deserves better.

We don’t really need the likes of Andrew Tate to do it: women are really good at being vile at each other.

Once again for those at the back. She’s being stalked. An actual criminal offence.

@Tennisstarfromteeside what happens when he comes to your home now - does he try to come inside, or just hang around? Does he leave if you ask him to?

It’s a worrying pattern of behaviour and in cases where women have been harmed by ex partners the violence has often escalated from this sort of thing. You do need to involve the police, sometimes a warning from them is a short, sharp shock that stops the behaviour. My aunt was stalked by an ex partner and thankfully a warning from police was enough to stop it overnight.

Namechanged for this response because i have experienced similar and it did in fact escalate and I had three years of incidents including physical assault, police and attending court. By behaving in this way he is blackmailing you. Tell your husband, deal with the consequences and report to the police. Log every single encounter (get picture/video evidence if you can). By doing this you are taking away his control over you. The shame of the affair is likely crippling you right now, and if you feel anything like i did you will feel you deserve this - you don't. You deserve consequences from telling your husband for sure but what you are experiencing from this man is domestic abuse and his behaviour is illegal.

The obvious solution is to tell someone with authority (the police)that she is being stalked by an affair partner

Her other issue is her husband doesn't know about the affair so she does need to tell him first before it all spills out.

Most police ask for your address / contact number for further correspondence so will it not be odd when they turn up or call and she doesn't know what to tell her husband if he asks

She still needs to tell her husband first

I agree, no one deserves to be stalked or treated like that

OP listen to this advice please - tell your husband and then the police. Also, your husband will be angry, upset etc. - it will get emotional however you deserve to be safe for your own sake as well do the right thing.

Agree completely. But that wasn’t the tone from previous posters who were full of sympathy for the husband they know literally nothing about and full of condemnation for a woman in possible danger.

Someone above said it too - op you don’t deserve this. There might be consequences in terms of your husband being angry etc, but still those consequences should not put you in danger.

Tell your husband. I hope he manages to be a support to you.

contact the police. See what they say. Might be something he has done to previous partners.
if he does out your affair, is it the worst thing? Sometimes the worst has to happen for life to get better.

Well if he is stalking you, call his bluff and tell him that unless he leaves you alone, not only will you tell your partner, you will also inform the police.

It’s about to all come out.

If it was me I would want my DP to hear it from me, rather than anyone else.

Really? Always one to turn on those calling it as it is. If OP really 💯 genuinely believes she is being criminally stalked and in absolute mortal fear for her life…or any other kind of danger she is welcome/able and indeed should to go straight to the police. Dial 📞 999. Simple.
Sounds more like she has dumped OM abruptly and wants him to go away asap so she can pretend nothing happened but he is having trouble accepting it is over. For some reason he may still have feelings. Don’t get me wrong, he’s just as bad, behaving poorly and needs to get a grip - not defending him either but OP & OM are not the victims in this situation.
They had a choice. Their poor halves didn’t… still don’t - who can justify living a lie and making excuses for a self created mess. Take responsibility instead of being beside yourself due to fear of getting found out.
Sorry but on this one sympathy is most definitely between sh*t and syphilis the dictionary.

I think it's a 2 fold thing here.

You need to appropriately deal with the potential stalking situation. You need to start making a log of any incidences so that you have this to report to the police. Definitely increase your awareness and safety ie ensuring you aren't going places alone, get an alarm of some kind etc. Tell friends who can support you as your husband shouldnt have to step in due to how this has come about.

Secondly, you need to tell your husband. Not just for the fact that there could be police involvement and he should hear it from you, not them, but also because depending on this individual, he could be at risk too.
You also need to let him decide how he wants to move forward. Your relationship is now based on a huge lie and he deserves to make the decision of if he wants to continue. It would be awful for him to find out in 5 years time and feel like he has wasted his life on someone who didn't care about him and were able to betray him in this way.

Nice.

Oh please!!!!!!

Do you actually have anything to say or are you just here to quote me with a bunch of cliched exclamations? If you’re bringing nothing to the table then sit this one out mate.