I expect too much for asking to be thanked

[yesterdaysbread]

Me and H have had a pretty rocky relationship from more or less the start. We have had good moments and we have two young kids who are everything to us but more and more feels like they are the only reason we stay together.

there are so many things I could write to show the bleakness of our marriage but this just happened and I feel like I’ve clicked that I don’t want to be married to him anymore.

I’ve had the conversation several times with him that I would really like him to say thank you when I serve a meal. I make 95% of the meals for our family and I want it modelled to the kids that they say thank you when they are served. He has probably successfully done this…10% of the time, hence several conversations where I’ve said it’s important to me.

he sometimes says nothing when served and sometimes will say ‘this is good’ or even ‘this is delicious’, but to me it’s just not the same as ‘thank you’.

tonight I served something new and he said ‘this is good’ and then ‘where did you get the recipe’. I told him where and we carried on with the meal and rest of the evening.

in evenings he’s either out in his shed or he’s in the house on his phone. He doesn’t ever seek me out to spend any time with me. I sent him a link for something we needed to buy and then he acknowledged it out loud from where he was sat on the sofa. I went over and we talked about it a bit and then I said, can I say something…I know I’ve said it before and maybe I should just drop it, but I would really like if you would say thank you when I serve your meal.

he got mad immediately and said he did say thank you. I put my head in my hands because I didn’t hear anything (and I would have caught it if he’d said it) and because I’m so exhausted from the instant defensiveness at any sort of comment like this that he takes as criticism.

I said I didn’t hear him, he said he had said it twice but I mustn’t have heard him over the noise of him putting our toddler in his seat, and then he was cringing to himself that he was even thinking about it.

I walked away and said fuck you under my breath. Then he starts calling after me, being nasty and having a problem with me bringing it up. He finally says that I ‘expect too much for what I do’.

it’s just … pathetic really. A grown man can’t take feedback from his wife that she’d appreciate him saying thank you when she puts a meal down in front of him. Wouldn’t most husbands take that on board and do it for their wives? I just despair.

like I said I could write so much more about what’s wrong. I feel like even though I’m terrified about the damage it may do to our kids, this stupid pathetic thing has really made me see that I don’t want this for the next 40 + years of my life.

Sorry but I think praising the meal is equivalent to thanking you for making it.

I understand that there may be more going on, but just for this micro snapshot I think you're being unreasonable

I actually prefer compliments to thanks when I've cooked. And we've trained the kids to "compliment the chef" too.

If there's other stuff going on, tell us about that

This sounds silly because it should be very obvious to him, you'd think.....but does he actually understand that you literally mean the words "thank-you", rather than "being thanked" or "showing his appreciation" by e.g.: saying "this is good" or engaging with you about it positively e.g.: "where did you get the recipe"?

thanks for the reply but I disagree. Saying something tastes nice is not the same as expressing gratitude to a person. Either way, if it’s just a tiny thing that you can do that will make the other person happy, at no cost or sacrifice to yourself, wouldn’t you just do it? He is the most stubborn person I’ve ever come across

It's all so very childish .

Poor kids

There must be so much more to this, because I wouldn't die on this hill. He's complimentary about the food, enough

I do always thank a person for a meal, or if they drive me somewhere.

But in a relationship where it is intrinsic that you do things for each other all the time, is it really necessary to say those actual words? Can't you show appreciation in many other ways.

DH and I don't thank each other every day for working and earning the money to pay the bills. What's the difference?

You sound like really hard work , he compliments the meal that would be enough for most people.

Do you thank him for putting the bins out or other household tasks ? I couldn’t be arsed

Me and H have had a pretty rocky relationship from more or less the start. We have had good moments and we have two young kids who are everything to us but more and more feels like they are the only reason we stay together

This ⬆️ is your issue

@WallaceinAnderland good question. I think the difference is that appreciation or gratitude is not intrinsic from him. I feel consistently overlooked and undervalued. He doesn’t do nice things or say nice things, ever, and I suppose the thank you at meal time is just one easy simple way to show a bit of appreciation for what the other person does. It is otherwise completely lacking from him

Honestly it’s not about the food or the thanks. You need therapy. You need to find out what it is you really feel he is not grateful for, and tackle that. And if you honestly feel you’ve been Rocky “right from the start” then maybe there isn’t any way out of this for you as a couple and it’s time to part. But therapy could also help there too… especially as you’ve got kids together so managing to have respectful communication is important. And right now you most definitely do not- saying “fuck you” under your breath is far worse than him not thanking you for making dinner. Do you thank him when he comes in from work for working? Does he thank you when you iron a shirt? Where does that even stop???

@CoastalCalm i thank him for plenty, yes I would thank for the bins or something trivial as well as telling him I appreciate the work he does for our family. I even thanked him for taking care of the kids when I was poorly this weekend, which he made a big song and dance about, and he then accepted the thanks

Of course he should say thank you.

Christ, it’s basic manners.

Don’t listen to anyone saying this is a ‘you’ problem, they’re being ridiculous.

He’s not living up to your expectations so you need to work out if he ever will, or lower them. It feels like you have a lot of ‘shoulds.’ He should do this, or that etc. If he doesn’t want to do this, behaviours tells you what you need to know. You also sound stubborn in what you require.

If you have these standards, which aren’t unreasonable by the way, and he can’t live up to them, he’s not for you. You need to work out what hill to die on.

I’m totally with you OP. We all say thank you for meals in our house and for kindness shown by others. It’s important not to be taken for granted. It makes the world go round.

Theyre his kids too- so looking after them is literally as much his job as yours so you don’t need to thank him for that. I am wondering if all this focus on gratitude or manners is kind of avoiding the bigger issues you don’t want to tackle- that your basic fundamental love and respect is not there.

All this small stuff is because….you don’t seem to like each other at all. It’s all so cold and transactional.

You’re being ridiculous.

Do you thank him for everything single thing he does?

Being honest, I can't remember whether we thank eachother for cooking. Probably sometimes we do, often we don't. Same for other daily tasks like laundry, ironing, cleaning work surfaces etc.

If it's something out of the ordinary - maybe he's spent his evening tidying the kitchen,.or cooked a particular fancy meal Id definitely say thank you, but probably not so much for the every day him drum of life.

But I know he appreciates me and vice versa. That's where the difference lies I think.

But for this example, I think you are being OTT.

Thanks for all the replies, it’s good to read all the feedback but I’m especially grateful to those who agree that thank you for a meal is basic manners.

I think @fourelementary you nailed it, I think we have so much underlying resentment towards each other that is just under the surface. I don’t know if that can be fixed and I think it’s been the case for years. I think he only stays because he doesn’t want to be the one breaking up the family

@yesterdaysbread I would expect a thank you when I put a plate of food on the table for my child, from my husband or anyone….surely that’s just basic goid manners? My dh makes me a cup of tea, I say thank you, I thank thank the cashier at the checkout whe we're done, thank the postman when he hands me the mail…. Basics surely. And you want your dh to say thank you also as a good example to the dc. Or do the majority of mumsnetters not do please and thank you?

I think extreme politeness in familiar relationships is a problem. He is appreciates your cooking by saying the taste is good, which is a better compliment than thank you, which is so formal and has no real affection. Similarly, why are you thanking him for taking care of his own children?

Do you thank him every day when he comes home from work? If not, why not?

I'd like to know why you think serving a meal is any different.