I expect too much for asking to be thanked

[yesterdaysbread]

Me and H have had a pretty rocky relationship from more or less the start. We have had good moments and we have two young kids who are everything to us but more and more feels like they are the only reason we stay together.

there are so many things I could write to show the bleakness of our marriage but this just happened and I feel like I’ve clicked that I don’t want to be married to him anymore.

I’ve had the conversation several times with him that I would really like him to say thank you when I serve a meal. I make 95% of the meals for our family and I want it modelled to the kids that they say thank you when they are served. He has probably successfully done this…10% of the time, hence several conversations where I’ve said it’s important to me.

he sometimes says nothing when served and sometimes will say ‘this is good’ or even ‘this is delicious’, but to me it’s just not the same as ‘thank you’.

tonight I served something new and he said ‘this is good’ and then ‘where did you get the recipe’. I told him where and we carried on with the meal and rest of the evening.

in evenings he’s either out in his shed or he’s in the house on his phone. He doesn’t ever seek me out to spend any time with me. I sent him a link for something we needed to buy and then he acknowledged it out loud from where he was sat on the sofa. I went over and we talked about it a bit and then I said, can I say something…I know I’ve said it before and maybe I should just drop it, but I would really like if you would say thank you when I serve your meal.

he got mad immediately and said he did say thank you. I put my head in my hands because I didn’t hear anything (and I would have caught it if he’d said it) and because I’m so exhausted from the instant defensiveness at any sort of comment like this that he takes as criticism.

I said I didn’t hear him, he said he had said it twice but I mustn’t have heard him over the noise of him putting our toddler in his seat, and then he was cringing to himself that he was even thinking about it.

I walked away and said fuck you under my breath. Then he starts calling after me, being nasty and having a problem with me bringing it up. He finally says that I ‘expect too much for what I do’.

it’s just … pathetic really. A grown man can’t take feedback from his wife that she’d appreciate him saying thank you when she puts a meal down in front of him. Wouldn’t most husbands take that on board and do it for their wives? I just despair.

like I said I could write so much more about what’s wrong. I feel like even though I’m terrified about the damage it may do to our kids, this stupid pathetic thing has really made me see that I don’t want this for the next 40 + years of my life.

I understand this to a degree. If I make something new or go effort, I expect words of appreciation from my DH. Not thank you specifically but oh this is really nice mmm. Some acknowledgment of my effort. I think you are unreasonable in expecting specific words after a meal. He is not a robot but a person. He also shouldn’t need a thank you for minding his own kids when you were sick. An acknowledgment maybe but not a thank you. You are a team and should be working together rather than scoring points off each other. Raising small kids can be gruelling and really test relationships. Could you possibly get some time away as a couple? Maybe reconnect?

I'm all for good manners, but for little jobs like putting the bins out, popping some washing on etc , I don't think everyday jobs like this need to be thanked everytime. I certainly don't thank my husband for doing some washing up for example, it's just a given that we both do things around the house. If he had spent hours doing a big job then I'd definitely acknowledge and thank him for that though.

I also find it odd that you thanked him for looking after his own child when you were il. Regarding the food, he's giving you a compliment on the cooking which imo is better. Sounds like resentment has settled in and that you don't enjoy being around each other much.

Fucking hell, saying thank you (or not) for a meal is the least of your worries. Your marriage is in a dire state. You can’t start a conversation without him getting angry, and saying “fuck you” under your breath is a 0/10 communication style. If it’s going to be fixed you both need to give a little, it seems like perhaps you both only see it from your own perspective.

Your problem is that he doesn’t want to spend any time with you. If he’s in his shed or on his phone all the time, that is your problem. I don’t thank my husband for every meal he makes, I would say it’s lovely, or ask him about how he cooked it. You both need therapy.

Hmm not sure. Praise is as good as a thank you I think.

Used to really piss me off when my DH would tell me what he’d done, like put the bins out or washed up, presumably expecting a thank you. Or a Blue Peter Badge.

I would be very irritated if I were treated as if I were a child, which I think is what you're doing to your DH. It's like handing a child a sweet and saying to them "what do you say?" and not giving it to them until they say please or thank you.
Possibly appropriate for addressing a 3-year-old, but not a grown adult.

If you are able to ‘train’ him to say thank you every time you present a meal, will that not feel artificial though? It’s something he says because you want him to as opposed to actually wanting / meaning to say it?

I agree with one of the top replies - saying ‘this is good’ or whatever pleasantry is another way of saying thank you and showing appreciation. If he said nothing and just ate and left, sure. But asking you about the recipe and engaging in a conversation about something you have worked on is positive and it looks like you certainly don’t see it, as it’s not in your script. So could it be that you apply the same outlook to anything else that he does? And you’re amounting that to 0 appreciation / 0 effort because it’s not your way? Couples counselling would really help you both unpack that

I have never thanked DH for putting the bins out and he has never thanked me for doing the same.

My DH will usually say 'thank you darling, that was lovely' after a meal, maybe not every single time, he might just say 'that was lovely' sometimes? I would still take that as showing appreciation. My sons are all adults now and they definitely say thanks mum after a meal ☺️

DH and I tend to thank each other a lot for little things like bringing each other a cup of tea in bed or picking up something at the shops etc. I do really appreciate the little things he does to make my life a bit easier and vice versa. It sounds like you and your husband have fallen into the habit of being adversarial and resentment has built up between you. If you have young children, before you throw in the towel, have you thought about doing some couple's counselling and trying to address the issues in your relationship?

Can I please just clarify something. Is it:

1. you want him to say thanks when your place a plate of food/drink down in front of him. That's normal politeness. Obviously won't happen if you serve yourselves at the table etc.

2. at some point in/shortly after a meal you want him to specifically say thank you for cooking? This is I think OTT most of the time.

Thanking the cook for making a meal is very basic manners.

Yes it is something modelled to young children so they grow up with it.

I wouldn't be long stopping cooking if I didn't get a thank you.

It sounds very miserable.
Start planning is all you can do.

@fourelementary "I am wondering if all this focus on gratitude or manners is kind of avoiding the bigger issues you don’t want to tackle- that your basic fundamental love and respect is not there".

I wonder the same 👍

I am now separating from my husband, but even we made a point of each thanking the other who cooked or prepared the meal, every night for 15 years. It really is basic courtesy.

Basic manners. My DH and I have been cooking for each other for 25 years and neither of us would never not say thank you when the other puts a meal in front of us - nor a cup of tea for that matter. Our children do the same.
What does your DH do when you eat at other people’s houses or in a restaurant? If someone else puts a plate of food in front of him, does he say thank you?

But as babyboomtastic pointed out, it doesn't sound as if the OP means the thanks most of us do when someone hands us something. It's more like what we were taught as children at the end of the meal:
"thankyouformyverynicedinnerpleasemayIgetdown"

My husband has been doing the cooking since I went back to work. I occasionally get the distinct impression that he expects me to say thank you at the end of the meal (I usually don't, partly because I'm petty and he never did).

I my school, we actively teach expressing gratitude. And I'm afraid that complimenting someone is a form of expressing gratitude. It doesn't have to just be saying thank you.

It's a bit like that fb post that keeps appearing on my feed that "I love you" can sometimes look like ,"Have you eaten?" "Text me to say you got home OK," etc.

You could just as easily be posting saying that he always says, "Thank you " but never pays your meal a compliment or comments on it otherwise and, "Thank you," just feels like a habit.

DP does all the cooking (incredibly) but I don't think I've ever specifically said "thank you" for a meal? "This is delicious/amazing/incredible" conveys my appreciation sufficiently and it'd be very weird to demand a thank you on top of that.

Me and H have had a pretty rocky relationship from more or less the start.

But this is the real issue anyway. You didn't particularly get on with each other in the first place (and yet got all the way to marrying and having kids with each other, unfathomably) and now you hate each other. You should never have married each other and the only way to fix this is to divorce promptly.

Or just seethe in mutual misery indefinitely, which is what I'd put money on, because you've obviously got to the point where your identities are all about how much you hate each other.

Once I realised I no longer loved my husband, I could have come up with a million gripes like this, even though he was a good man. But it didn't change the reality of the situation - that if he 'corrected' one thing, there'd be another thing, and annother and another - because the relationship was dead.

If you are able to ‘train’ him to say thank you every time you present a meal, will that not feel artificial though? It’s something he says because you want him to as opposed to actually wanting / meaning to say it?

This. I would find The Ceremony of the Thank You stilted, pointless and cringeworthy. There’s no meaning to it.

I get if you’re doing the vast majority of the cooking that you feel unappreciated. But realistically, making dinner isn’t going above and beyond. It’s just something that has to happen every day, whoever makes it happen. I would find it really wearing if I had to go through this performative response every day.

whenever a meal is served at our table, the person who has made it, gets a thank you from everyone (incl two young kids) before we start eating. It’s just basic manners.

I feel so sad for your kids, living in an atmosphere of sniping and petty point-scoring between their parents. Do them and yourselves a favour and split up if you can't get over this poisonous resentment of one another.

OP, I agree, complimenting the dish, and saying thank you every time, are two different things.

My DH does it automatically as he sits. Just comes out regardless on auto-drive. 😆But I appreciate it. He then often goes on to say, oh this is really nice, or I really enjoyed that, thank you. But he says thank you, ALWAYS as he sits down to his plate.

Sometimes when you feel put upon to the max (and I bet you do) you need those small words, because they make a huge difference to the grind.

Do you do nice things for him or say nice things to him? Do you thank him for the things that he does and show appreciation to him?

I think complimenting the food and saying its nice is a way of showing appreciation is it not?

of all jobs I find the planning of meals, preparation and serving of food, the biggest chore. Even so, I make home made bread once a week, plus cakes and home made biscuits.

if I served up this food and the family couldn’t even be bothered to say thanks, they would be kissing goodbye to home baked goods and authentic curries.

I guess they could get used to beans on toast eventually.

Jesus Christ this thread - sometimes mumsnetters' collective reading comprehension seems to vanish. Obviously there's more to it than wanting to be thanked for making a meal. Obviously there is a general lack of appreciation and taking OP for granted. Can't you read the meaning of what she's saying and stop being so literal? Honestly