I left my BF of 3 years a little under 2 weeks ago and I feel so empty...

[SadTexanChick]

Honestly I just need to vent:

I loved him, I loved us, and I loved our time together (primarily weekends).
I would drive to spend weekends with him almost every week for the past 3 years.

Last year, I approached the topic of us getting engaged, married, kids and he said he wanted all of that, but he needed another 5 years to get married (he is 38). That was an eye opener for me as I was not going to just keep dating him like we were close to 10 years before he can figure out what he wants. He was so fast to agree that yeah that was too long for him too when I balked at another 5 years and we compromised on August as a proposal date... I did NOT want to give him an ultimatum. It's just that, from his words and lack of actions, I felt like I was in a stagnant relationship and I wanted us to make some progress towards the next logical step in a serious relationship... I mean his brother was calling me his wife in public, but this man was not willing to ask me to move in with him (after 3 years).

I had this terrible feeling that he would string me along for years then leave me without a second thought. And I would be left to pick up the pieces of my life hitting 40. Or I felt that August would come around, no proposal would happen, or I would get a shut up ring, and I didn't want that either. Even though the thought of marriage and forever is scary, if we love each other, if we have the same goals and priorities (mine are raising a family and being financially comfortable), then what is there to fear in taking next steps? I wasn't asking for a marriage or kids tomorrow either lol. I told him we can wait for more years to think about kids, but engagement and marriage were my top 2 I didn't want to compromise on. He wanted me to compromise on not being married legally, and I didn't want to do that. Basically in his head, we were already husband and wife, and he didn't want the government involved knowing about our relationship as a marriage.

In March it was our 3 year anniversary. We went to go look at rings and he was a miserable grouch the whole time. Spent the entire appointment on his phone, and when the sales associate asked him how we met, he couldn't even answer that because he was soooo miserable being there. When I brought this up later, he blamed it on how he felt so pressured, and I was trapping him, etc.

Basically after all the love and time we have poured into this relationship, since he thought I was trapping him and the thought of spending the rest of our lives together was such a daunting and depressing thought for him (he actually said it was making him depressed), I basically emotionally checked out since March and finally called it quits at the end of April.

I still loved him at the time. I was still trying. But I had a huge fear that he would: A) never propose
B) propose but then never actually want to make marriage happen aka shut up ring and that's it
C) break the proposal and leave me embarrassed

How do I go about life now at 33 years old? I am still hopeful for that relationship I yearn after... but I feel like a lost child in the world now. I am doing things as a single person, but it feels like I am just going through the motions. I am not actually happy behind the smile and brave face. I am actually so lost and sad and scared about the future. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep forever. But I am going to the gym, I am taking horse back riding lessons and dancing classes soon, and I want to travel to at least one place this summer solo.

I just want to say huge kudos to you for getting out. You can’t find the right person if you are with the wrong one, and none of this is ok. I am almost 60 and my heart break every time I read about a woman here who waited and waited and then ended up without the family she wanted. Very proud of you. it will take some time to heal, but you did the right thing.

You’ve done the right thing. It might hurt now, but don’t waste your best years on someone who might never commit. Well done on ending it. You’re doing the right thing getting out there and doing things and it will hurt a bit less as time goes on.

I second this. I admire u OP! Time to start living

Yes agree well done for finishing it. I had the same - a man stuck digging his heels in and the relationship going nowhere. I didn’t finish it but we had such bad arguments that it forced him to. I can honestly say whilst it was painful at the time and I thought I’d never recover 18mths later I unexpectedly met someone and now married with kids - it all evolved naturally as it should without being forced.

You’re still so young, take time to heal yourself and go out and enjoy single life - sounds like you have such fun plans and solo travel is amazing, enjoy ☺️

Yes, I did not want to be that woman!

When I was in my early 20s, a co-worker who was 55+, got dumped by her ex whom she was with for 20+ years, for a 21 year old stripper who he fell in love with at first sight. They had lived together as GF/BF basically for their whole life, and then one day he just up and left. She told me to never be her position. She made all the compromises for him, and she still ended up single. Her words ALWAYS have stuck with me and this was ten years ago.

Our arguments were also getting bad. We literally had never argued about anything else besides on where our relationship was headed. I didn't want to argue about that with the supposed love of my life, so that meant he wasn't the love of my life, so I left. It was one of the hardest choices I made because other than that, he was so good to me and I really did love him.

You have made the right choice. Relationships have to evolve, they have to move, and can't stay stagnant. I'm not saying your ex thought nothing of you, but he didn't think enough of you, to want to marry you. In my opinion if a man genuinely loves a woman, he will propose in a timely way. Your ex, didn't even want to live with you after 3 years, let alone marry you. That in itself is a red flag. You're 33, it's better to end the relationship now, and find someone else (trust me, you will), than suddenly realise at 40, that he's never going to marry you and your chance of children has dropped considerably. Of course you're going to feel lost. You can't turn your emotions off, and there's a part of you that will still love him. You are grieving for the relationship you have lost, and that takes time to process. Focus on you...do the things you enjoy. Remember though that ultimately, you made the right choice for you.

You made the right décision. 33 is young.

If you have the money and it works for you ethically and medically, you could freeze your eggs.

I wish you every happiness.

I am so impressed by you. On this site which is absolutely rammed with women accepting the absolute bare minimum, you have taken yourself out of it to find the right relationship. You're right. If it's not right by now, it never will be. You deserve to be with someone who can't imagine anything else other than being with you and having that commitment of marriage. Women just don't have the time to fuck about with relationships that aren't progressing and you need that commitment of marriage if thinking of children.

You see so often that men will be with their gf for years refusing marriage then all of a sudden fuck off and marry someone else almost immediately. That's not going to be you.

I wish I did this. Got strung along for years instead.

Well done, you’ve made a good decision. Know your own worth, and stay strong. You will find someone worth your love and be happier while discovering your passions as well.

You have done the right thing. It is going to feel empty for a while till you find yourself again. Breaking up is never easy, it sucks actually. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge how on point you are with your self worth. There are too many time wasters out there who will happily future fake then complain that there are no good women out there. Mind blowing really.

It's very early days. You broke up less than a fortnight ago. It's totally normal to wallow a bit, to feel empty, to wonder if you've made a mistake. But I think that before very long, you'll realise you've given yourself the biggest gift and you've done something incredibly brave. You know your worth, you know what you want from life and you've taken a massive, scary step towards the future you want and deserve.

So take care of yourself, don't forget to show yourself all the gratitude you deserve for doing something so brave, and remember that you are closer to your dream of marriage and children than you were two weeks ago.

It WILL get easier. Keep positive & keep doing things that make you happy & get you out in the world. You definitely did the right thing.

That's what I thought as well. And I have never done anything to make him think that I would cheat him somehow once we are married. He had nothing to fear besides his own insecurities. The fear of the unknown is definitely weighing on me heavily every single day (I couldn't function this morning because of it and had to sleep it off until 10am fml). I am a huge lover, and I have been dreaming of my "Prince Charming" since I was a young woman. I just want to be with a man who is "all-in" on "us" as I am when there's really nothing to lose and we're sure about each other. So having to come to terms with this reality that I now have to start over to try to find this with another man, who might string me along as well, is depressing, especially because I am 33.

I have considered doing that... I think if by mid to end of next year I am still single and wandering around lost and a hopeless romantic (lol), I will take the plunge and freeze my eggs in Spain. The cost is a little bit cheaper I heard and it gives me a chance to go overseas somewhere! Hopefully I don't have to go this route, but that's I think going to be Plan B so that my peace of mind is secure.

Thank you so much... your words and encouragement brought tears to me eyes. The toll of not finding "my guy" and the possibility of me being single and alone for years and years is soul crushing for someone who is a hopeless romantic and yearns to find that kind of indescribable connection you have that only people who found their life partners can try to explain. I know none of this works on my timeline now. I tried to control everything and it landed me with a manipulator who couldn't even acknowledge all the love I tried pouring into his life when I told him I was leaving. I was gaslit for probably 2 years too long. I am just so tired of trying to find this perfect relationship and the thought of giving up hurts. I'm not usually someone who likes to give up on things in life. But my heart is just tired.

Girl, I was strung along for 2 years too long. But not anymore--- I am going to be so blunt from now on. And if a man runs because he's gets scared... bye? I don't need a baby anymore. I need a man who can step up to the challenge!

Thank you! I sure hope so!

That's exactly what he made me out to be--- some terrible chick who trapped him into this 3 year relationship. I was actually laughing when I heard this from a mutual friend.

I am letting the grief come as it comes, crying as I need to, then picking myself up again. This site actually has been SOOO helpful in getting me back up. I made this post last night just feeling so low and unsure of everything I did, but everyone on here once again helped me see that I did the right thing.

I think I found myself a great online community on Mumsnet!

I love your last paragraph. Thank you so much for that reminder. It is something I really needed to hear.

I would never have gotten the warm, loving, and wonderfully blessed future that I want to also equally contribute towards with him. It would always have been ME begging him to now get married after the proposal (if that ever did happen), and then ME begging him to have kids a few years down the line because he would probably put that off for as long as possible.

Also, some of my biggest fears were that he would either leave me at the alter and that would be soul crushing, or he would say something like "Well I NEVER wanted this insert kids/marriage" when we would eventually run into the tough times of raising a family, etc. There's no way I would be okay with hearing words like that.

It was just all too much for me, too exhausting, so I left.

You absolutely did the right thing, however hard it might feel now.

Even IF you got to the point of engagement/marriage and then children with him, if he didn’t feel he was properly on board with it, he would resent you deep down and feel forced and this would play out in your relationship and ultimately make you miserable.

There are a lot of “Peter Pan” types of men out there, who never want to grow up. Some suddenly had a lightbulb moment, usually when all of their friends have settled down, where they think “Oh wouldn’t it be nice to settle down?” But truth is deep down, most never want to let go of the image in their head of themselves being carefree and single, always wondering if something better is around the corner.

Youre still young enough to meet someone, but you won’t while you’re with him. Good for you for knowing your self worth x

‘Basically in his head, we were already husband and wife, and he didn't want the government involved knowing about our relationship as a marriage.’

This alone was enough to have me rolling my eyes at what an idiot he is.

I was in a relationship a long time ago, similar age, similar timeframe and exactly the same thing happened to me, although he ended up being the one to end it. I clung on hoping he’d change his mind. But (according to him) he was NEVER going to get married and NEVER going to have children.

As it happened he was married and had a child in under a year with the girl he’d started cheating on me with, (divorced a few years later).

I thank my lucky stars he did that, as he was SUCH a miserable human being but I think I was more scared of being alone and not finding anyone else so I settled and hung on!

YOU are amazing! I wish I’d been more like you! This misery needs to be in your rear view mirror. I’m not saying love will land on your lap (it may be tricky at times, but as a previous poster said you’re a step closer) but a future of your choosing has. Embrace life! Well done you!

"Even IF you got to the point of engagement/marriage and then children with him, if he didn’t feel he was properly on board with it, he would resent you..."

This is one of the huge insecurities I had moving forward towards the last week or so of our relationship. I was afraid that if/when we did get married and/or have kids, when things got tough, instead of being there to support each other through it, I was afraid he would throw it in face with "Oh well I never wanted to get married/have kids, so this is on you!" His immaturity really came out the second I dumped in, so there's no doubt he would have said those words and we would have ended up divorced.

"I was more scared of being alone and not finding anyone else so I settled and hung on!"

I think I did the same thing. I was clinging on because I was lonely, he gave me something to look forward to on the weekends, but I need so much more to be fulfilled in life.

I woke up today feeling empty and sad again. Being single really sucks for someone who is a romantic like me, but at least I know I am not wasting my love on a man who doesn't even know the value of what true love and companionship can mean for you.