Honestly I just need to vent:
I loved him, I loved us, and I loved our time together (primarily weekends).
I would drive to spend weekends with him almost every week for the past 3 years.
Last year, I approached the topic of us getting engaged, married, kids and he said he wanted all of that, but he needed another 5 years to get married (he is 38). That was an eye opener for me as I was not going to just keep dating him like we were close to 10 years before he can figure out what he wants. He was so fast to agree that yeah that was too long for him too when I balked at another 5 years and we compromised on August as a proposal date... I did NOT want to give him an ultimatum. It's just that, from his words and lack of actions, I felt like I was in a stagnant relationship and I wanted us to make some progress towards the next logical step in a serious relationship... I mean his brother was calling me his wife in public, but this man was not willing to ask me to move in with him (after 3 years).
I had this terrible feeling that he would string me along for years then leave me without a second thought. And I would be left to pick up the pieces of my life hitting 40. Or I felt that August would come around, no proposal would happen, or I would get a shut up ring, and I didn't want that either. Even though the thought of marriage and forever is scary, if we love each other, if we have the same goals and priorities (mine are raising a family and being financially comfortable), then what is there to fear in taking next steps? I wasn't asking for a marriage or kids tomorrow either lol. I told him we can wait for more years to think about kids, but engagement and marriage were my top 2 I didn't want to compromise on. He wanted me to compromise on not being married legally, and I didn't want to do that. Basically in his head, we were already husband and wife, and he didn't want the government involved knowing about our relationship as a marriage.
In March it was our 3 year anniversary. We went to go look at rings and he was a miserable grouch the whole time. Spent the entire appointment on his phone, and when the sales associate asked him how we met, he couldn't even answer that because he was soooo miserable being there. When I brought this up later, he blamed it on how he felt so pressured, and I was trapping him, etc.
Basically after all the love and time we have poured into this relationship, since he thought I was trapping him and the thought of spending the rest of our lives together was such a daunting and depressing thought for him (he actually said it was making him depressed), I basically emotionally checked out since March and finally called it quits at the end of April.
I still loved him at the time. I was still trying. But I had a huge fear that he would: A) never propose
B) propose but then never actually want to make marriage happen aka shut up ring and that's it
C) break the proposal and leave me embarrassed
How do I go about life now at 33 years old? I am still hopeful for that relationship I yearn after... but I feel like a lost child in the world now. I am doing things as a single person, but it feels like I am just going through the motions. I am not actually happy behind the smile and brave face. I am actually so lost and sad and scared about the future. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep forever. But I am going to the gym, I am taking horse back riding lessons and dancing classes soon, and I want to travel to at least one place this summer solo.