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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still not met my boyfriends adult son

42 replies

Cantfindabetterusername · 13/05/2025 06:24

I need some advice on how to navigate this with my boyfriend as I struggle to express how it's making me feel. I'm 47 hes 50. I've 3 kids between 10 and 23. He has 21 year old that lives abroad ( educational). He works 3 hours away, 4 days on 6 off. On his off days he's with me and my children. We have had issues regarding his ex before. I was going through my divorce but he'd not even started his and it was a touchy subject if I brought it up. He got therapy and started the divorce. My issue is when hid son returns from abroad for a week or so im not allowed to meet him and when he spends time the ex wife is always there. Meals, days out...he doesn't get the time with him alone to even be able to introduce me. His son stays with his mum when she's back and gets to see her son everyday but any time with his dad it has to be as a family unit. This is making me feel like im an outsider, hes involved with my life but I'm not his. Never met his friends, his sister either. His son is back now for a week and brought his new girlfriend and I suggested he introduced me too. No. Apparently this makes me rude and selfish when he's only back for such a short period and I'm not a priority. Am I in the wrong for feeling like a spare part? We have been together 4 years almost. I just don't get the seperated lives. He talks about his son and everyone else in his life, I feel I know so much just never spoken or met any of them. Thoughts ?

OP posts:

Ooooohdear · 13/05/2025 06:27

How sure are you that he’s actually getting divorced?

Comedycook · 13/05/2025 06:29

Are you sure they're actually separated op?

sameshizz · 13/05/2025 06:29

He’s hiding something, he’s certainly hiding you . 4 years in it shouldn’t be like this .

Original poster

Cantfindabetterusername · 13/05/2025 06:49

I hated doing it but I asked to see the divorce application. That's as far as it's gone. They're not yet divorced. It's still in the cooling down period until the next step. I dont believe they're together but I have a feeling he's emotionally enmeshed still. After he left her and they sold their marital home he gave all his equity and helped her with his a joint mortgage to buy another house because she said she couldn't afford to rent or buy by herself. His reasoning was to put a roof over his sons head even though his son was living abroad. He still pays half of that mortgage. He says it's maintenance. If I mention it he says I'm only interested in money. I'm shut down at whatever I say, always an answer for everything or he deflects it onto me and how he has to deal with my ex. I was in a dv marriage and still have to deal with him and his high conflict ways. It's tough.

OP posts:

SnozPoz · 13/05/2025 06:55

My guess is he isn't even thinking of getting a divorce and his son doesn't know

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 13/05/2025 06:55

He’s not serious about you OP…it sounds like you’re his ‘dirty little secret’ which is appalling. I can only speak for myself here, but I couldn’t live with this. I wouldn’t even ‘talk about it’ with him if I’m honest, I’d just sack him off.

The question is…can you live like this? It really doesn’t sound like he is going to change the situation any time soon 🤷‍♀️

UncleBillyHatesChristmas · 13/05/2025 07:02

Have you met anyone in his life?

good friend of mine was played by a bloke living a double life. He was essentially cock lodging in her home and other women’s, lying he had a home but made excuses why she couldn’t go, the other women also got the same excuse.

Original poster

Cantfindabetterusername · 13/05/2025 07:17

I've not met anyone. He went to a mates 50th, I asked to go. He said it's not suitable and they'll be mean to me because I'm southern. That turned into an argument. If he doesn't want me to be around his son fine but then surely he should not hang out with the ex. Yesterday, the son his girlfriend and wife and him all went for a day at the races. They are also all.going out at the weekend together and he states this is the same as me going to my 10 year olds birthday party my ex organises. I said I dont do intimate gatherings with my ex, there are always friends and family there. I'd never go for a meal with just my son and ex it's disrespectful to my boyfriend. Especially if my son was in his 20s.

OP posts:

Bumblebeestiltskin · 13/05/2025 07:18

After 4 years this is unacceptable. Why have you put up with it for so long?

minnienono · 13/05/2025 07:25

So you don’t take him to things with your ex either? I don’t think this is a serious relationship to him, he is happy to be in your life but only on your terms.

By contrast I met my now dh’s adult kid’s within 2 months, he met mine even sooner, I also met his ex wife within 6 months (dsds birthday party). We don’t socialise together but I get on fine with her, no secrets for sure. The situation op doesn’t seem right

Harrumphhhh · 13/05/2025 07:30

Four years and you’ve not met any of his friends and family? FOUR YEARS?! Have you asked him why?

I’m also thoroughly unconvinced by the ‘divorce’. I don’t think there’s any such thing as a ‘cooling off period’ in English law, and he’s not sold up and given her the equity, has he? He’s bought a different house - with his wife.

Original poster

Cantfindabetterusername · 13/05/2025 07:35

My ex refuses to meet him. He drops our children off outside but he says he doesn't want to. I can't force him to meet new partner. My ex is very aggressive and to be honest it's better that way. However, my boyfriend has come away on family holidays, met all my family, met my work friends, hes been involved in every aspect. I, avoid things with my ex to not upset my boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't have fun days out when they're adults.let alone kids.

OP posts:

Wells37 · 13/05/2025 07:35

Seriously just get rid of him. He’s definitely hiding something if you haven’t even met his friends after 4 years!

Tourmalines · 13/05/2025 07:40

No way would I be with him . You need more respect for yourself .

hattie43 · 13/05/2025 07:51

Hmm I’m not convinced he’s single .

AltitudeCheck · 13/05/2025 07:58

He's lying to you about something and preventing you meeting anyone who might blow his cover. Working away for several days at a stretch is the perfect cover story too. Are his ex, son or son's partner on social media? I'd be tempted to dig a little to see what their day out at the races looked like.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2025 08:04

Does he have his own place to stay op? It sounds like he stays at either yours, hers or work?
i don’t think any of this sounds like he has ever had any interest in you as a person, sorry.

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 13/05/2025 08:25

@Cantfindabetterusername

He's not fully committed to you.

It's possible to fake divorce papers and nothing else he's said is actually backed up in real life with evidence.

I think he's still in a relationship with his wife and you're the OW without realising it.

He's probably playing you both off against each other.

The whole 'my friends would be mean to you because you're southern' nails it. He really doesn't want you anywhere near his friends or family.

Open your eyes and really see whats going on. Suggest you watch Love Rats on Netflix, it may be an eye opener as to how easy it is to fake information and a story.

sandpiperspring · 13/05/2025 08:25

I'd wager good money most, or even none of his friends or family even know you exist.

He's hiding you.

This could be because he's still involved with the ex, perhaps they're still together even.

Or it could be that he's not that serious about you.

Or even that he's ashamed of you for some reason. (Fuck him especially if so).

Whatever the reason it's not right and YANBU to question it.

His response to you having an issue you want to resolve is poor, also. It doesn't bode well for your needs or your feelings mattering in this relationship.

GiantSaucepan · 13/05/2025 09:16

So after 4 years:

He’s deeply involved in your life (including your children), but has kept you completely separate from his—no introduction to his son, friends, or family. He expects to be part of your family life, yet you’re excluded from his. Do you have evidence any of his friends know about you? Are you on his socials?
Where is he when he’s not ‘living’ with you? Does he have his own home? Does he contribute financially to yours? Or do you have a cocklodger on your hands?
When his son returns from abroad, all time with him is spent with the ex-wife present, as a “family unit,” leaving no space to include you or build a relationship with his son.
Your attempts to express feelings or set boundaries are often shut down, deflected, or twisted into accusations (e.g., being selfish or money-focused)
He gave up his equity and remains on a joint mortgage with his ex-wife, paying half—yet dismisses your concerns about it as being only about money. And presumably is his excuse for not being able to afford his own home, so ‘lives’ with you and is unable to build a future with you?
He compares spending intimate outings with his adult son and ex-wife to you attending your child’s birthday party organized by your ex—these are not equivalent situations.
There’s a pattern of him protecting the comfort of his ex and son over showing up for you as a partner, while keeping you hidden from key parts of his. Huge huge 🚩

I’m sorry but are a secret convenience for him @Cantfindabetterusername . Not a partner. He’s very likely got at least one other person on the go - either his wife or someone else.

viques · 13/05/2025 09:19

How long is a “cooling down period”, is it measured like string or in light years? I think you have found yourself someone who thinks he has found the perfect solution to having his cake and eating it.

Anxioustealady · 13/05/2025 09:56

Does he have social media OP? If you posted a photo of the 2 of you and tagged him, would he kick off? If he does I'd say he's definitely hiding you.

RealEagle · 13/05/2025 11:15

He’s taking the piss ,treating you like a dirty secret

MattCauthon · 13/05/2025 11:25

Come on, OP. He's still married and living a double life with you and your DC as his second family. Have you ever stayed at his place or does he come to yours? Is he on your socials? Do you post picture sof you loved up? Are you even sure his name is real at this point?

But okay, even if it's all 100% true - why on earth would you stay with a man who, 4 years in, still is too embarassed to introduce you to his friends? Bloody hell, what a wankerish thing to do.

blettedmedlar · 13/05/2025 11:36

You’re the other woman. Wake up and get rid.

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