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Original poster

Still not met my boyfriends adult son

42 replies

Cantfindabetterusername · 13/05/2025 06:24

I need some advice on how to navigate this with my boyfriend as I struggle to express how it's making me feel. I'm 47 hes 50. I've 3 kids between 10 and 23. He has 21 year old that lives abroad ( educational). He works 3 hours away, 4 days on 6 off. On his off days he's with me and my children. We have had issues regarding his ex before. I was going through my divorce but he'd not even started his and it was a touchy subject if I brought it up. He got therapy and started the divorce. My issue is when hid son returns from abroad for a week or so im not allowed to meet him and when he spends time the ex wife is always there. Meals, days out...he doesn't get the time with him alone to even be able to introduce me. His son stays with his mum when she's back and gets to see her son everyday but any time with his dad it has to be as a family unit. This is making me feel like im an outsider, hes involved with my life but I'm not his. Never met his friends, his sister either. His son is back now for a week and brought his new girlfriend and I suggested he introduced me too. No. Apparently this makes me rude and selfish when he's only back for such a short period and I'm not a priority. Am I in the wrong for feeling like a spare part? We have been together 4 years almost. I just don't get the seperated lives. He talks about his son and everyone else in his life, I feel I know so much just never spoken or met any of them. Thoughts ?

OP posts:
cakeisallyouneed · 13/05/2025 12:34

Do you know for definite that his son and ex wife know about you? It sounds like he has a lot of residual guilt for leaving and overcompensating financially. It may be he can’t bring himself to tell them he has met someone as this would also feed into his guilt, esp if his ex is still single. Having said that 4 years is a long enough time to get round to mentioning it!

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 12:39

Regardless of meeting his various relatives or mates, your further posts indicate the man is a dick.
Never date a man who shuts you down.
Does he enhance your life? I can't see the point of dating him.
Sounds like he's using you for housing.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/05/2025 12:47

Wow, I missed that he's still married!

He 'works away' (yeah right), owns a house with his wife, keeps you a secret.
The answer is right in front of you.

WhatHaveIJustRead · 13/05/2025 12:47

Surely you can’t be serious? It’s been 4 years and youve not met his family or friends? OP… are you well? He’s obviously not single.

Meeting the adult son is a red herring here, even if he was single, you shouldn’t be pushing to meet an adult son.

The issue here is that this man IS NOT SINGLE!

Have you ever been to his house? Are you on his social media?

How have you let this go on for 4 years?

BobbyBiscuits · 13/05/2025 12:52

There's no logical reason to keep you secret this way. Even if the ex was an arse and rude AF and he was worried about her saying something horrible, he'd still let you meet him separately. Just the three of you for coffee or a meal. It would take an hour?! Son is an adult so it can't be to shield his upset that his parents have spilt.

He's still with the ex. It looks like that to me big time.

Doyoumind · 13/05/2025 12:57

Not meeting the son isn't a big deal. Why would his 21 yo son want to meet you and spend time with you, in the nicest possible way?

But not meeting friends and other family members is not normal. Whatever is going on, you shouldn't continue in this way.

ginasevern · 13/05/2025 12:57

Blimey OP. He's still married and you are the other woman. He's not even trying to hide it from you! Wake up and smell the coffee. You're just his bit on the side.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/05/2025 12:57

GiantSaucepan · 13/05/2025 09:16

So after 4 years:

  • He’s deeply involved in your life (including your children), but has kept you completely separate from his—no introduction to his son, friends, or family. He expects to be part of your family life, yet you’re excluded from his. Do you have evidence any of his friends know about you? Are you on his socials?
  • Where is he when he’s not ‘living’ with you? Does he have his own home? Does he contribute financially to yours? Or do you have a cocklodger on your hands?
  • When his son returns from abroad, all time with him is spent with the ex-wife present, as a “family unit,” leaving no space to include you or build a relationship with his son.
  • Your attempts to express feelings or set boundaries are often shut down, deflected, or twisted into accusations (e.g., being selfish or money-focused)
  • He gave up his equity and remains on a joint mortgage with his ex-wife, paying half—yet dismisses your concerns about it as being only about money. And presumably is his excuse for not being able to afford his own home, so ‘lives’ with you and is unable to build a future with you?
  • He compares spending intimate outings with his adult son and ex-wife to you attending your child’s birthday party organized by your ex—these are not equivalent situations.
  • There’s a pattern of him protecting the comfort of his ex and son over showing up for you as a partner, while keeping you hidden from key parts of his. Huge huge 🚩

I’m sorry but are a secret convenience for him @Cantfindabetterusername . Not a partner. He’s very likely got at least one other person on the go - either his wife or someone else.

I agree, @GiantSaucepan - this has more red flags that Putin's Birthday Parade!!

Bananalanacake · 13/05/2025 12:58

I had a BF like this, I met his friends but not his family. 2 of his sisters lived close to him, I only went to his place twice in 4 years, he was dragging his heels getting his divorce sorted out. I would ask to meet his sisters and he would never arrange it, I felt hurt, like I wasn't that important to him. After 4 years he came to mine and told me his mum had died, I told him to go home and not bother me until he was over it, well, I'd never met her so why should I care. I 'gave him space' his dad and sister also died soon after his mum, I still ignored him and met my DH, who was happy to introduce me to his family.

WellErrr · 13/05/2025 13:01

I have a friend who was in similar situation, for years. We all told her that he and his wife were still together and she was the OW. She wouldn’t believe it, but it eventually all blew up and had an awful effect on her.

Please tread carefully OP. It looks very much to an outsider that he is still with his wife.

A PP asked a good question - what would he do if you tagged him in a pic of the two of you on social media?

Look after yourself 💐

WellErrr · 13/05/2025 13:02

Bananalanacake · 13/05/2025 12:58

I had a BF like this, I met his friends but not his family. 2 of his sisters lived close to him, I only went to his place twice in 4 years, he was dragging his heels getting his divorce sorted out. I would ask to meet his sisters and he would never arrange it, I felt hurt, like I wasn't that important to him. After 4 years he came to mine and told me his mum had died, I told him to go home and not bother me until he was over it, well, I'd never met her so why should I care. I 'gave him space' his dad and sister also died soon after his mum, I still ignored him and met my DH, who was happy to introduce me to his family.

Jesus 😳

Please read that back to yourself and have a bit of a reflect…

Mapleunicorn · 13/05/2025 13:11

Oh OP this is not right. I think one of 2 things is happening here - worst case scenario, you are the OW and that’s why you are being kept a secret. As meeting anyone from his life would out him. Best case scenario, he is genuinely single, but not remotely emotionally ready to move on with you.

When I met DP he was long time separated but still technically married, and with a joint mortgage (wife lives elsewhere). He was hesitant to introduce me to people in his life. But 2 years on he is divorced, the house is being sold, and I’m very much integrated in his life. I’ve met his kids many many times, I’m included in all family events, we are going away with his family later in the year. 4 YEARS?? And nothing? Sorry but this is not it. Be kind to yourself, walk away.

AgnesX · 13/05/2025 13:14

He's using you. It's as simple as that.

outerspacepotato · 13/05/2025 13:18

You're the side chick and he's sucking up your resources when he's staying with you. He has no interest in integrating you into his life and family after nearly 4 years.

He's paying half his wife's mortgage, gave her the equity when they sold their last joint home, and their divorce is only in the paperwork stage.

Is he paying you any money for being at your place or a portion of the bills or contributing to your household?

Clearinguptheclutter · 13/05/2025 13:24

red flags all over here!

he clearly hasn’t told any of his friends and family that you even exist. Presumably his (not ex) wife knows that he has other things going on and is happy with the state of play

i wouldn’t accept this for five minutes. You can go down the ultimatum route but I suspect he will choose them over you. What an awful man.

looselegs · 13/05/2025 13:40

Once a person has their decree nisi, they have 6 weeks and one day until the decree absolute can be applied for. The divorce can be stopped during that period of time.

Endofyear · 13/05/2025 13:42

You're wasting your time with this one. If after 4 years he's not divorced and hasn't factored you into his life in any real way, he's not showing you the respect and commitment that he should. If I were you I would end it and find someone who's actually free to be in a proper relationship with you.

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