Suddenly separated. Need a handhold

[LovelessActually]

My marriage of 8plus years (together for 11) has just suddenly ended fairly traumatically. We have two kids (3 and 7).

Things had been rocky for a while if I am honest. Constant bickering. We were becoming more like roommates. But we still spent most of our time together. We’d mentioned the possibility of separating in heated arguments before but I never really gave it proper thought. I still loved him deep down. I assumed we would do counselling and I mentioned it quite a few times.

Recently I had been thinking more and more about it and was really basically ready to make a proper go of it. There were several issues he needed to address but I also hadn’t been perfect (impatient, irritable). I was gearing up to give a proper apology for my part and give reassurance that I was going to try more.

But a few days ago DH told me he wanted to separate. I was devastated and basically begged him just to give it a couple more months and do counselling. If we fail, we fail but we had to try. He didn’t want to try. Said it was too late change his heart and he had made his decision. I asked him to at least give a bit of time and space before doing anything rash. At least talk to his friends and family about it. He said he would and ok let’s take it slow. Although he made it clear not to hold out any false hope.

But the very next night he went out and didn’t come home. I found out later that he fucked someone who he had been developing feelings for. He told me this was the first time he fucked her but they had realised they were more than just friends for a while.

I’m absolutely devastated. I have done nothing but cry since I found out. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m so upset that our family is now destroyed. I wish we could’ve stayed together but even if that was impossible I’m so angry that he couldn’t even do this amicably for the sake of our kids. I’m so angry that he didn’t even want to try. I feel so betrayed by his actions.

I’m really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that my life as I know it is now over. I’m so sad I won’t have him to come home to and watch crappy Netflix every evening. I’m so sad we won’t have lazy Sundays with the kids. I’m so sad we won’t have any more holidays. I’m so sad at the thought of telling our kids. At them shuffling between two homes for the rest of their childhood. Not seeing them everyday.

It has ended so abruptly and so painfully. I feel blindsided. DH says I wasn’t blindsided because it had been shit for a while. But I thought we were getting better. In any case, surely the process of separation should be a slow and careful one. My world has basically changed overnight.

I’m feeling so worthless about being left for this person. The thought of them together is unbearable. It is making this abrupt separation so so so much more painful.

Anyways. Sorry for waffling. Just a lot of emotions to deal with right now. Have been awake all night.

I’m so sorry ❤️ u must be going through a massive shock to the system.

He could have handled this much better! This OW has obviously been on the reserve bench waiting for her turn. Vile!

I know u’s had ur issues and neither of u were happy but he could have handled this much better.

The kids are still really young they will adapt quickly and get used to their new normal. And I know it won’t feel like it right now but the time they spend with their dad will allow u time to heal, see friends and maybe even have another relationship in time, a healthier one.

Where is he planning on living, like now? Get him out of ur home for ur sake. He doesn’t deserve to see u in so much pain.

My heart is sore for u, please be kind to urself.

Thanks. Before he fucked OW I think he thought he would be able to live in the spare room while we worked stuff out. I’ve kicked him to a hotel for now.

Makes you wonder if he was deliberately causing arguments so he had an excuse to leave.
So sorry op.

This pretty much happened to me two years ago. I thought I was going mad for 6 months while all the time he was having an affair. It was really hard but now I am in a really good place and life is so much better without having to suffer through the resentment and issues. You will get there. Protect yourself financially.

You’ll get through this! And hopefully get to a place where you can be grateful he did this so that you didn’t have to compromise yourself in an attempt to make it work with someone who is clearly a selfish and deceitful arse.

Your soon to be exh already had plans to go with this woman and he was pulling the wool over your eyes . Best he leaves today.

I am in the same boat as you if you want to talk pm me

Well done for kicking him out OP. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too didn't he, staying in his lovely secure home while going off to get a bit when he wanted it?
Things will be OK. You will be OK.
I know it's so tough now but trust me you're better off on your own than with a man who does this.

He is a pathetic and weak man! Good riddance!

It takes time to mourned the life you imagined in your head… in reality it didn’t exist if you look closely.

I would advise be kind to yourself… prepare for divorce and get your documentation in order.

Once the process finishes, you’ll feel a lot better without him… your kids would prefer a happy mother too!

Thank you for all the reassuring words. I know I will feel better eventually but it’s very hard to see through to that right now. All I can think about is the pain of seeing happy photos of him on social media or bumping into them on the street. It’s so unfair that he can behave so badly and yet gets to go off and be happy while I’m here picking up the pieces of my heart.

It won't be happy though, will it? He'll be going through the same drudgery just with a different woman.

Your husband has shown you who he is.

Time to step up and take him to the fucking cleaners.

Block him on all social media, u don’t need to see him “happy”. But believe me he won’t be happy, he has broken his family up for a quick fumble. You should pity him really.

You said things weren’t great between u. It’s time to find ur new found freedom in a peaceful relaxed home with u and ur babies.

I know this must feel like ur life has been ripped apart. Please be kind to urself, is there anyone close by who can help with the kids over the next few days?

what has he got to say for himself? Is he showing any remorse at all?

Men. Lining up the next one before they leave. Hedging their bets. Not giving a fuck about their wife/ partner or kids.
Bet he’s got a comfy vision of him and OW all cosy, having the kids once a fortnight and doing none of the work.
Time to get your fight on OP. Get angry. Get a lawyer. Explain how 50/50 is going to work on YOUR terms. How he needs to be doing the dental appts and the after school, the childcare so he can work. Etc.
Don’t do it on his terms. Do it on yours.
Im so sorry he’s been such a bastard.

Your arguments and the tension between you both was probably due to him pulling back emotionally as soon as he started to have feelings for the other woman. When your DH says that your marriage has been shit for a while, I would bet good money that it started when he began his emotional affair with the other woman which has now turned physical.

You need to be practical and organised about finances, child support, living arrangements, shared custody of your children etc. Find a solicitor and take their advice.

Do you work or are you a SAHM? Do you rent or own your house? It's an emotional time but being practical and pragmatic will help you come to terms with this horrible situation and will make sure that you get everything that you are entitled to.

Hi OP, I feel your pain as I am in a similar situation, although no kids involved. 3 weeks ago my DP of 19 years ended our relationship out of the blue. He claims there is no OW but even if there isn’t I just know he will be straight on the dating apps. We too had been having more arguments and I also begged him to try and work things through and talk to his family. His mind was made up though, he doesn’t love me and he had felt this way for about 5 months. I am so sad and heartbroken too, and also really angry that he won’t even consider trying. I have just bought a book on Vinted called How to heal a broken heart by Rosie Green, it was recommended in some similar posts on MN. Not started it yet but the author was in a very similar situation to you where kids and OW are involved. Sending you big hugs x

Thank you. I’ll take a look at that book. It does sound like you are going through a lot of the same feelings. Hope you are holding up. It is just unfathomable how someone who you thought was your life partner could treat you so inhumanly. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel as shit as I am feeling now, let alone a person I love. So frustrating to not understand why they didn’t even want to try. I’m sorry you are going through this too. Sending hugs back x

Massive hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

He didn’t want to try because he had moved on in his mind a long time ago with this OW. Men very rarely initiate separation unless they have someone to move on to. I agree that he likely caused more arguments and was less patient with you as he was putting his emotional energy elsewhere. When times got hard he took the easy route, find a new relationship rather than work on the existing one. But he will end up in the same place if that’s his mentality. Just poorer and with less access to his kids.

Did you know the woman or suspect an affair? Also unlikely no physical contact has happened prior to ending your marriage. He just didn’t feel guilty once he had told you it was over.

Karma will always find them because ultimately they are the problem. He’s not miraculously going to turn into a different person because he has a new partner.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take the anger and despair and turn it into fight. Fight for the life you want with your kids. If you invest in yourself you will attract the right sort of person. Lean on your family and friends and take the opportunity to deepen those relationships. You will get through this stronger.

@LovelessActually

I’m doing the slow, amicable divorce and I’m sorry to say it is not any less shit and in some ways I think worse. I’m facing up to 12 months still living together and appearing “normal” while knowing it’s all over. Yours is a huge shock but you will start to heal too.

I can’t move on for a long while yet (complicated scenario-redundancy and halfway through a house renovation so neither can leave until we sell and can’t sell until have job etc).

We will all be ok in the end, that’s what I keep saying anyway.

You know who he is and what he feels and now the line has been crossed - appalling as that is, it’s forcing the change now. Ripping off the plaster is often the best.

Hi OP, when did the breakup happen? I am 3 weeks in and still doesn’t feel real. We are living in the same house which is awful because he is trying to carry on like usual and be ‘nice’ while I keep breaking down in tears for the future I have lost. I know it will be awful all over again when he eventually leaves. I could ask him to leave now but that will shaft me financially and given the suddenness of his decision I think he he should take some responsibility for sorting out the finances and helping to get our house sold. Like you we had more arguments and he was acting weird for months. He is absolutely done with the relationship despite me pleading with him, and the last 20 years count for nothing it seems. At least you have your children so focus on them. You have every right to be absolutely livid about the OW! Please PM me if you want to offload more… ❤️ I found telling friends and family helped and do does writing lists of all the practical things that need to happen. Xx

Men. Lining up the next one before they leave. Hedging their bets. Not giving a fuck about their wife/ partner or kids

I fully agree with this and its shit. I have very similar numbers to you. Together almost 11 years, married for almost 8, 2 kids, 3 and 6. 4 weeks ago he told me he'd slept with another man and that he was gay. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions, so if you ever want to rant just do it on here.

We are doing ok, managing to get along enough to live in the same house as its what its best for the kids right now. We've not told them yet as I know my 6 year old son will have a lot of questions and I don't think he will cope well if we answer everything with I don't know. Its truly shit, I'm sorry you are going through this too.

I honestly looked at my ex this morning after he said something that shocked me and its like I never really knew him at all, he's changed so much, so distant and cold. Its clear he has already moved on

So sorry to read what a tough time you are having, I've had something similar. A couple of things ...

Allow yourself to feel shit about it now... just go for it as much as you can whilst still being there for the kids. Feel the pain. Get it out. Helps, I swear. Because you will come out the other side stronger than you ever imagined.

Try to be as civil with him as possible... he doesn't deserve it but you do. And it will wind him up to see how well you are doing. It's about you now, not him.

Also it sounds like you were probably in love with how the relationship could be, not how it was. Good news is you can still have a great relationship with someone else. Not, tomorrow. But you can. And this is a chance to make your kids so proud of you and that you are someone who didn't stay in a shitty relationship..you get the chance to model that for them which can be a great gift.

Good luck. X

I work four days a week. But I’ll need to go up to five days a week now. Even with that I can’t afford our mortgage on my salary alone so we will have to downsize massively to stay in the same area for schooling etc. We have a lovely home that we have invested a lot of money and time into. It’s so depressing to think all of that was for nothing and we’ll need to squeeze into a space half the size. I won’t have any money to make it our own. I expect DH will want 50/50 so he needs a place somewhere nearby too with space for the kids. I’m trying not to think about this long term stuff too much right now as I’m already anguished enough thinking non-stop about him having fallen for another woman.

I hope he’ll be mature about finances. Hopefully he’s feeling contrite enough not to be too much of an arsehole on that front (although not holding my breath).

So sorry OP. Good job kicking him out. He will struggle being out of the home Im sure. Get him to get settled soon somewhere cheaper than a hotel. He needs to save money now to fund his foolish life choices. Good luck xxx

@bullfrogdoingitagain

Staying civil is the hardest thing I am trying to do. We just tried to work out short term practicalities but it ended up as a long and bitter argument. The gist of it being what an utter utter bitch I have been for 11 straight years and how that means his heart was dead to me and there was no chance to recover. It was pretty hard to hear. Especially from the person who had essentially cheated on me and was leaving our family for another woman. I obviously tried to defend myself but I’m not sure what good that would’ve done as it’s just more ammo for his contempt of me (what a fucking bitch who refuses to take accountability).

We’ve loosely agreed that he can live in the spare room for a month or two while we sort out things. I’m not sure what other option we have financially as there’s no practical way he can stay with friends or family for now. Plus I want to keep it as least disruptive as I can for the kids.

But how am I supposed to be civil? How am I supposed to be dignified? He doesn’t deserve any kindness. I’m so angry and upset. But I don’t want it to be hostile for the kids sake. It’s so fucked up on so many levels.