Suddenly separated. Need a handhold

[LovelessActually]

My marriage of 8plus years (together for 11) has just suddenly ended fairly traumatically. We have two kids (3 and 7).

Things had been rocky for a while if I am honest. Constant bickering. We were becoming more like roommates. But we still spent most of our time together. We’d mentioned the possibility of separating in heated arguments before but I never really gave it proper thought. I still loved him deep down. I assumed we would do counselling and I mentioned it quite a few times.

Recently I had been thinking more and more about it and was really basically ready to make a proper go of it. There were several issues he needed to address but I also hadn’t been perfect (impatient, irritable). I was gearing up to give a proper apology for my part and give reassurance that I was going to try more.

But a few days ago DH told me he wanted to separate. I was devastated and basically begged him just to give it a couple more months and do counselling. If we fail, we fail but we had to try. He didn’t want to try. Said it was too late change his heart and he had made his decision. I asked him to at least give a bit of time and space before doing anything rash. At least talk to his friends and family about it. He said he would and ok let’s take it slow. Although he made it clear not to hold out any false hope.

But the very next night he went out and didn’t come home. I found out later that he fucked someone who he had been developing feelings for. He told me this was the first time he fucked her but they had realised they were more than just friends for a while.

I’m absolutely devastated. I have done nothing but cry since I found out. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m so upset that our family is now destroyed. I wish we could’ve stayed together but even if that was impossible I’m so angry that he couldn’t even do this amicably for the sake of our kids. I’m so angry that he didn’t even want to try. I feel so betrayed by his actions.

I’m really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that my life as I know it is now over. I’m so sad I won’t have him to come home to and watch crappy Netflix every evening. I’m so sad we won’t have lazy Sundays with the kids. I’m so sad we won’t have any more holidays. I’m so sad at the thought of telling our kids. At them shuffling between two homes for the rest of their childhood. Not seeing them everyday.

It has ended so abruptly and so painfully. I feel blindsided. DH says I wasn’t blindsided because it had been shit for a while. But I thought we were getting better. In any case, surely the process of separation should be a slow and careful one. My world has basically changed overnight.

I’m feeling so worthless about being left for this person. The thought of them together is unbearable. It is making this abrupt separation so so so much more painful.

Anyways. Sorry for waffling. Just a lot of emotions to deal with right now. Have been awake all night.

I have learned the grey rock approach from mumsnet. anything inflammatory your ex says or does is just a reply of 'oh right'.

I am lucky that we are managing to be civil. I do enjoy sticking the fingers up at the spare room door when its closed and he's inside, very immature, but its helping a lot of the negative feelings to keep buried.

But also, from your post I though its only been a few days since you had the conversation. Its been 4 weeks for me and things are much clearer in my head now, I'm panicking less over things because I know they will take time to get done and I've come to terms with the fact that things will change. I know I will struggle when they do, but life will go on and children are much more adaptable than you think. That's mainly advice that I've been given from other mumsnetters, I'm yet to tell my kids anything, thats terrifying me tbh

Edited to add. I coped for the first few days by leaving rooms he entered as I couldn't act happy and as though nothing had changed

@LovelessActually anything he says about you now is to justify his bad behaviour. Don't take it to heart. According to my ex h I was the biggest bitch ever and never gave him any Christmas presents. I mean WTF 🤷‍♀️

He’s done The Script on you. Plain and simple.

Made you feel like you caused this, you were cold, you were difficult, you drove him away, you made him have an affair. He’s rewritten history to suit him and make him feel less guilty. You will start to believe it’s your fault and take the blame.

Honestly read it, it’s completely eye opening.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

The thing is everything he says is kind of true. I was irritable. I was impatient. I didn’t show him that much love (not that he showed me much). Just feeling so remorseful about my behaviour today. For me ruining my future. I know it sounds like I’m completely captured and I will read that thread for strength. But I had been a nightmare at times (although I think he should have given me a little bit of leeway having struggled with 2 young kids and a mild dose of PND). Although I was difficult before kids too. But don’t all couples argue? I had turned things around in the last 6 months and was advocating for counselling but apparently it was too late.

In my defence he can be stubborn and angry and his drinking had become more and more frequent. He was getting so nasty when he drunk.

Stop taking the lions share of the blame. Subconsciously you may have felt him withdrawing, he has been putting his time and effort into someone else. No wonder you were feeling irritated and angry.
End of the day you have children together, and ideally he should have been willing to try to work on things. The fact that he isn't, is his choice and his responsibility. It is not all down to you.
Find your rage op. You had a right to expect more from him, and at the very least, to not get involved with someone else whilst still living together. Take comfort in that once the dust has settled, the OW already knows her new man is capable of cheating, when the going gets tough.

Hi OP I went through very similar 1.5 years ago now and it’s still painful but it gets easier. This post had actually helped me realised how he would cause arguments to leave to be with her. You won’t understand it. I find it hard as I’m grafting with the children most the time and he has swan off with a multi millionaire two decades older than me and left me and our children for money.

what I’ve learned is they start off fair most the time so they can hurry on into their new relationship then quickly guilt goes they re write history and it’s all your fault.

My ex now pays the minuim he can and I don’t go through cms out of fear he will go for 50/50 where he doesn’t look after the kids but delegates it to his family to do for him.

It’s brutal it’s the hardest thing you’ll go through I think. It’s shattering your family. Future what you thought was going to be the life for your children all gone.

I think this is brave to admit. If you said you had felt him pulling away for the last few months etc I would be agreeing with others that he was the problem but your update shows real self reflection on the entirety of your relationship.

There is no point in trying to replay the past now and considering how it could have been different. You have both made mistakes, and you are where you are.

Clearly he now has an emotional and physical connection with someone else. You are allowed to be hurt by that. But I think it would be beneficial to envision what you realistically want your relationship to be like as co-parents.

Perhaps sit down with him and tell him you acknowledge that he has feelings for someone else and whilst he has to understand how hurtful that is, you accept the part you played in how your marriage has turned out. Then ask him to go to couples counselling not with the purpose of getting back together but with the view to sort out your differences and move forward as co-parents. This might not be the outcome you want but I think you need to be realistic. Hopefully it will make the transition easier. And there is a small chance that you really connect and this other relationship fizzles out, but I wouldn’t go into it hoping for that.

I am finding staying civil quite hard too. I find it helps to think about what you would say to a friend or someone at work or someone you actually like and then try and do that. My H has just lost his temper in front of the kids because I hadn’t done the collar on his laundered shirt properly. So I put the kids to bed and then put my HR training into practice and calmly told him it was unacceptable behaviour and the appropriate response would have been to thank me for washing it in the first place. He looked sheepish. He’ll probably be extra twatty in the morning but me taking the moral high ground is confusing him anyway. I think I started this tactic after I read someone say “be someone through the process of the divorce that you can like and respect when it’s all over. Be the person you want to be”. It was probably someone on here who said it but it has stuck with me. I do not want to be angry or rageful, I want to be calm. I do not want to scream and shout like a child, I want to speak and be spoken to respectfully. I do not want their behaviour to drag me to a place I do not want to go.

OP, I feel for you. I’m day 2, without kids but with dog, house and the rest. We work in the same organisation, everyone knows us.
Same situation, grew distant, I was essentially depressed and shut down from everything for a while, I was so stressed all the time trying to hold a house a new puppy and a changing job together. He ‘tried’ to help but never spoke to me directly about it until a few days ago when it was too late.
We had a big crying chat, decided to try and make it work, I tried my very hardest, 5 days later he ends it. There’s someone else he has feelings for. 10 years younger. She would have been 9 when we got together. Adamant nothing has happened but I am very doubtful. I just feel like a mug.
I have no answers other than I really feel your pain. I feel ridiculous for trying to fight for the relationship when he clearly didn’t care. Feel like I’ve wasted my life with someone who’s changed so much in 6 months and mourning the fact I might not get to have children as we had planned to in around 18 months. Trying to get back to myself and realising I live somewhere I have little connections in.
I am also swearing behind his back and relishing the fact he doesn’t seem to have realised his hair is thinning and he is likely to be balding soon.
Sending love. It’s so hard.